March 16
A writer who has to write JAVA code for a living but dreams of someday reaching the elysium where letters would be all that she would need to exist.


JANUARY 13, 2009 5:48AM

what has to be, will be

Rate: 12 Flag

I am scared of tomorrow.


What I have today is not perfect. I would like to have more of everything, more of love, more of wealth, more of health, more of beauty, more of happiness, who can ever have enough? And yet I am scared of tomorrow. What if it takes away instead of giving, what if I am left with less of everything after tomorrow is done with me?


I am happy today, I may be happier tomorrow but what if I am not?


I know resistance is futile, I realize tomorrow will come in spite of everything and yet I close my eyes like and cat and believe that the day is night. That I have skipped tomorrow, but then what about the day after?


I am rambling, because I know my life as I know it today will change tomorrow. The wheels have already been set into motion. Tomorrow will bring more responsibilities more compromises and change.


I was living in a bubble, a bubble of independence, a bubble of dreams where every tomorrow was a host of new possibilities. Where my life was my own, where I was carrying it in my arms down the road of my choice. I could choose any diversion I felt like, I could stop, I could run. Today, it has been gently pried away from my arms, they say my bubble has hosted me long enough, its time to return home. Today they carry it, tomorrow they’ll walk along some unknown path and I will just follow in their wake, not knowing if the journey’s for the better or for the worse.


They tell me to point out the road I’d like to take. The problem is I do not know. This country’s new to me, I want to find out, I want to explore, I want to get lost before I find my way. They say they cannot leave me on my own. They say they cannot bear to see me lost. I say I want to learn on my own, I want to fall before I walk, I want to crash before I fly.


They say they love me too much to leave me to chance. They do, I know and so I trust them with my life for the better or for the worse. I believe in destiny, what has to be, will be…..

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I believe in destiny too.

I hope tomorrow all your dreams come true.
tomorrow is just an illusion. how can it hurts you?
enjoy today.
Natalie, I hope so too.
Brian, I guess its simply the fear of the unknown.
This reminds me of a lovely old Cat Stevens song, "On the Road to Find Out." I believe in destiny as well as you and Natalie, but resistance is not futile. Thanks for writing such a lovely piece.
Rated, and thoughts are with you...
Rick, you are thoughts are very much appreciated. Thanks for visiting.
Moana, I have also feared tomorrow. Even as I have loved the moment, that moment has been tinged with sorrow because of its impermanence. I remember clearly a moment many, many years ago when my son was very young and the day was warm and we were on the porch eating strawberries and everything was absolutely perfect. And I knew enough to know that the perfect moment was transitory, that it would disappear and that there would be fear and pain and sadness...

But I also knew that I would always have the memory of that perfect moment, and I do. I can close my eyes and call it up and feel so very good for having had it.

Change will always come. It will sometimes take away something we don't want to lose, but it will also bring us something wonderful that we did not expect. But we are not helpless, we are not dry leaves blown in a wind. You can decide to make changes, too. So if you are on a path that is not right, you can stop and choose another path.
I think you'll find your way...
Susan thanks so much for such a personal response, yes I know nothing in life is irrevocable and I know fearing change only spoils the perfection of the present.
Just a moment of weakness captured forever in a blog post.
V R, I sure hope I do and I know I will have plenty of guidance too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the process that is life.
Faith, This place is my secret place. The places where we used to go to as children, unknown to our parents.
You people know me and my thoughts far more than most of the guys who know me in real life. I can be myself here without fear of being judged.
Thanks for listening to me.
Ooh Moana, goosebumps! I love your gentle, rolling sentences. This was pitch perfect: tone, sentiment, you have me.

I want more. What will change tomorrow? Are 'they' your family? What is it they want for you?

You're in the right place, doing the right thing here!
Thanks Nada, that is high praise indeed.
Yes "they" are my family. They just want me to tell them what I plan for my future.
They, like all good Indian parents want to get me married if there is nothing else ( read education) on my mind.
I'm O.K. with the plan. Its nothing out of the blue and its the way of life out here but I do get the jitters sometimes and that is when I turn to you.
The unknown is always scary, particularly if you feel you will not be in control of it. You write about these universal fears beautifully.
Lisa, I just try to make sense of my fears by writing them down and trying to observe them objectively.
Earlier I used to note them down on paper and hide the diary in a suitcase under my bed, now I put them up for public scrutiny.
All because of people like you.
This is a lovely expression of your inner fears. But there is great courage here too. So hold on to that and have faith. The future can't harm til you get there, and by then you'll have even more courage.
Great meditation on change and impermanence. And like Lisa says, I think the fear that goes with it is fairly universal – and necessary. Without it (and a few other things), we’d have no path, no journey toward enlightenment. Thanks for sharing this.
I always have to keep reminding myself, tomorrow never comes, yesterday, you cannot change, so live for today....

Great piece. Rated.