March 16
A writer who has to write JAVA code for a living but dreams of someday reaching the elysium where letters would be all that she would need to exist.


MARCH 11, 2009 3:28AM


Rate: 11 Flag

I am a sicko. No, no,stop. Don't even start telling me how wrong I am. How sweet I am or how smart I appear to be.

I just know I am a wierdo. Let me tell you why. I have this wierd feeling always that all the people around me are observing me. All the time. It's like walking on a street in the afternoon and knowing that all the nosey bored houswives in the houses on both sides are peering out of the windows through the curtains and looking at you.

The feeling is always there. At work, I feel everyone in all the surrounding cubicles have their eyes trained on my screen. I actually look around, my head swivelling 360 degrees each time I open any of the posts with the magic words in the title. You know what they are. Now, people in my office are busy people, they may not be saving the world excatly but they have more important things to do other than spy upon me. Yet, I know they spy upon me.

While I walk around the bays, to the restroom or to the pantry, I just know everyone is looking at me, snickering at me, gossiping about me. I adjust my hair, my hands smooth the non-existent wrinkles, I fiddle with my dress. I look down and run. ( Well not exacctly, I don't run, I almost run which is close.)

When I walk on the road, I feel every other human being in view is, yes you said it, looking at me. I feel as if  some article of my clothing which should stay hidden is showing. I suspect my dress is hitched up in all the wrong places. I feel as if there is something on my face which should not be ideally there. That is one reason I walk with my eyes trained on the road and fast. That is the reason, I almost always frown while walking on a public thoroughfare.

I feel people are talking about me all the time. If any group of people are discussing anything, anywhere around me, and if any one of the group even chances to look in my general direction, I am convinced that they are discussing me.

I feel everyone is out to judge me. To get me.

I see myself thirty years form now, a spinster in a cobweb filled dark house, all alone, the windows shuttered, and with a gun trained on the door to shoot the next visitor.

Lord, Almighty help me.

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I also know that you guys over here get behind my back and send PMs to and fro making fun of me.
I feel you, and this.

All the time I have the same feelings. The one time that I KNOW I was right ... my skirt was tucked up into my pantyhose.

The other times? I know, but not quite with the same certainty.
Shhhh, Moana is back , we better stop talking about her!!!


Man, I sure do hate it when I tuck my shirt into my pantyhose. Oops, I mean, good read.

Stupid nosey neighbors!!! :(
no, I am laughing WITH you. I love your writing... hope you keep posting through the spinsterly cobwebs.
In reality, there is a formula for figuring out how many folks are looking at you at any given moment.....I don't have the formula, but believe me...the ones looking at you and judging; the number is small.
Consider the myriad worries and aspirations people carry around in their heads at any given moment. It is hard to quantify. It is surprising how "un-noticed" we can be in an office, train station, and other public places. And the anomolies that we worry about, i.e. hiked skirts, pants too short, bad hair day, are so inconsequential in the context of these active, separate, individual minds around us.
You're as OK as the rest of's OK
I seeeeeee you! I'm sitting at my computer with one eye opened really wide just to see you better.

I know how you feel. Do I have something in my nose? Check for me, will you?

When you walk down the street, don't frown. Pretend you are someone famous and deserve the attention. Throw your shoulders back, lift your head and smile. Give them something to look at.

Oh, and to avoid being a spinster with cobwebs all you have to do is get married and dust ;)
That must be a terrible feeling to have. Have you talked to your doctor about this Moana? It's probably nothing, just stress, etc... but worth checking out.
Tell yourself over and over it just isn't true, because logically, you know it isn't! :-)
This is so open and honest. Do you let your family and friends know? Sounds like you should talk this out with a pro and see what can be done to help. And they can help. Take it day by day. No way for any of us to know the future.
Moana, I hope you are exaggerating, for literary purposes. Anyone so accomplished as you could not possibly care what others think... right?

I have two things to suggest on the subject, though again, I suspect your writing proves you are a self-confident person.

One is, most people are obsessing about themselves. The vast majority. The few that are actually curious about you are doing it just because they are so insecure that they have to compare themselves to someone else. You are obviously a higher standard that they hope to resemble some day. (This is not made up, by the way - there is research on this.)

Two, this will all go away with time. As you get to know yourself better, you won't care whether they look or not. They don't rule your world; you do. Screw 'em! (an americanism that probably is impolite in India, but say it in your head - it works!)
I was very, very happy to read this from you, and no, I would never burden another OSer with a PM from me. (Not entirely true). But I thought it was just me, but I never see people or go to work, so I have the exact opposite problem. Absolutely no one is talking about me, thinking about me, looking at me or wondering about me at all. I feel my problem is much worse than your problem. But this was a very good post, though if true, very sad.
i wear a pair of men's work overalls most days. i love them. they are warm and keep me dry and very sturdy. i thought for months that all the workmen i walked by were staring and laughing and pointing at me when i wasn't looking, because i am very obviously not any sort of contractor. my partner pointed out that even if they were looking and pointing at me, which he said they weren't, that they were most likely comenting on how they wish they had nice overalls like i did. it made me feel better, but i still think people are staring.
oh this is hard. i battle this a bit myself. Hope things get better.

Moana, didn't I just see you at Wal-mart?
LOL. Haven't you heard that life is but a dream? And every character in a dream represents another aspect of yourself? That's some multiple personality you've got there, Ms. Paranoia.