I am a sicko. No, no,stop. Don't even start telling me how wrong I am. How sweet I am or how smart I appear to be.
I just know I am a wierdo. Let me tell you why. I have this wierd feeling always that all the people around me are observing me. All the time. It's like walking on a street in the afternoon and knowing that all the nosey bored houswives in the houses on both sides are peering out of the windows through the curtains and looking at you.
The feeling is always there. At work, I feel everyone in all the surrounding cubicles have their eyes trained on my screen. I actually look around, my head swivelling 360 degrees each time I open any of the posts with the magic words in the title. You know what they are. Now, people in my office are busy people, they may not be saving the world excatly but they have more important things to do other than spy upon me. Yet, I know they spy upon me.
While I walk around the bays, to the restroom or to the pantry, I just know everyone is looking at me, snickering at me, gossiping about me. I adjust my hair, my hands smooth the non-existent wrinkles, I fiddle with my dress. I look down and run. ( Well not exacctly, I don't run, I almost run which is close.)
When I walk on the road, I feel every other human being in view is, yes you said it, looking at me. I feel as if some article of my clothing which should stay hidden is showing. I suspect my dress is hitched up in all the wrong places. I feel as if there is something on my face which should not be ideally there. That is one reason I walk with my eyes trained on the road and fast. That is the reason, I almost always frown while walking on a public thoroughfare.
I feel people are talking about me all the time. If any group of people are discussing anything, anywhere around me, and if any one of the group even chances to look in my general direction, I am convinced that they are discussing me.
I feel everyone is out to judge me. To get me.
I see myself thirty years form now, a spinster in a cobweb filled dark house, all alone, the windows shuttered, and with a gun trained on the door to shoot the next visitor.
Lord, Almighty help me.