It is cloudy ouside. Being a Friday afternoon the bay is already starting to wear a deserted look.

Not much work to do and I find my thoughts drifting in varied and random directions.

I try yet again to reason why I cannot forgive and forget. I made bad decisions in college. When seen within the context of the circumstances that prevailed before and during that phase of my life, they were definitely pardonable. Instead what do I do? Each night I masochistically go over the events of those three years reminding myself over and over again why I should never ever make a decision for myself again.

If it had only to do with me it would have been fine, but try as I may I find myself obessesively trying to obfuscate those four years and any memories of them from my mind. I find myself trying to avoid my friends from that time over the internet and over the phone. I find myself driving away anyone who wants to reconnect, I hate myself for coming up with ingenius excuses to avoid attending weddings of close and one time intimate friends only because I cannot face the guilt the memories bring with them. I have been punishing and hurting others for something which was only my mistake.

But am I really guilty? Is it really evil of me to say "Leave me alone" to people who I associate with some dark years, some of them who were real friends to me throughout, who helped me through the turmoil...? Probably if the reasons were different, it wouldn't be, probably the reason for my guilt is nothing but the fact that I am trying to change things by pretending not to remember. Because basically I haven't yet accepted the simple fact that I made a mistake, that I too am capable of making mistakes. A simple case of an inflated ego and an incurable superiority complex.

Then there is the fact that I simply cannot stop feeling the hurt whenever I think of a friend who simply for no concrete reason stopped trusting me thus effectively terminating our friendship. I say effectively because we are still friends, casual-more-than-an-aquaintance friends. Why am I so full of myself. If there were a Nobel prize for navel gazing, I would be a formidable contender for it.