March 16
A writer who has to write JAVA code for a living but dreams of someday reaching the elysium where letters would be all that she would need to exist.


JANUARY 20, 2011 1:50AM

Moana and Me

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I started writing at OS in October 2008. So its been more than two years now at this place. I am yet to write a piece under my real identity. Why? I have written some very deeply personal posts which I would prefer remain unknown to everyone who knows me personally.


Nothing even remotely scandalous but thoughts and memories which are personal and for that very reason I cannot bear to see under the scanner. I am an introvert, always have been. I have always have trouble confiding in people and that is the reason I have a lot of friends but no “friend”. My mother comes closest to falling in that pigeonhole but yet even she is not completely there. So to make a long story short you guys know much more about me than most of my flesh and blood friends.  I like it that way.


That is why I need a pseudonym. That is also why I am a bookworm, love to stay indoors, love the rain and need and enjoy my own company .


But that is also why I need to blog. Thoughts absolutely need an outlet. For most words and physical company are enough. But for me, because the aforementioned avenues  are difficult to indulge in, I have almost always resorted to diaries and other written scraps of paper.


Then I discovered blogging. I started out at Wordpress. Though my posts never got any response there I loved it. I had to give it up because of Internet unavailability and other personal crises during the last year at college. As soon as I landed on my feet again I started scouting the net for other places to vent. Of course my old blog was still alive but I needed a clean slate and Open Salon looked to be the thing.


When my first testing-the-waters blog got three serious responses I was home and have been ever since. Even though many of my subsequent posts have sunk without a single trace into internet obscurity I have never thought in terms of leaving. I love an audience but do not need one. Pretty narcissistic of me but then I wasn’t here to be heard but just to be allowed to say. And the best thing that has happened over the course of my association with OS is that I picked up so many friends…I love them like I love my real friends and because they are voices without faces and not likely to wander into my plane of physical existence , trust them more.


I was on orkut mostly because everyone in my class at college was. I rarely visited, rarely scrapped. I was not interested because Orkut was the online personification of the real me. I was not Moana but ….. .


I came upon Facebook pretty late. In the spring of last year. It took me a few months to get hooked because once again, it was the real me.


I am guilty of being very much into Facebook since the first few months. I love the way almost my whole High School class in on my friends list and most of my college class and colleagues too. It is a great and very convenient way to be up to date with the lives of people who were a part of my life at some point or the other.


When I was new, I contributed significantly. Status updates told my friends about my new job, the book I was currently reading, my adventures with the public transportation system, my moods….


But true to the real me, as time went by, I slowly started closing up and now I find myself contributing less and less. I still log on everyday but now I have settled into my role of a passive Facebook member very much like I love my role in real life as a passive member of a group, hardly ever starting a conversation, but doing my best to keep it up, hardly confiding but always being ready to be confided in. Always the wallflower never the belle of the ball.


But at OS, as Moana I have at times managed to shed my wallflowerish tendencies and speak up. I have cleared my throat, said things I wouldn’t dream of saying to anyone in flesh and dared to simply be without trying to be correct.  Whatever that is.


 I have dared to open up and have been rewarded unfailingly with kindness and appreciation. I have dared to create and above all share my creations. I have constantly surprised myself over here.


And I love OS for it.

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Moana. I remember. Respectfully,
I mentioned how much I love India.
In 1993 I went on a India burial detail.
Approximately 28,000 villagers died.
A rumor was underground weapon test.
I saw sadness. Gravity laid walls crushed.
I saw babies buried under fallen stones.
Wallsswayed and humans sleeping died.
It was 4AM. I met homeopathic doctors.
It was natural devastation. Natural? no.
It was manmade ruin if the rumor is true.
After one month in Indian I began to see`
Flowering yellow mustard, Sunflowers,
Marigolds, Twin Births of Goats `etc.,
Good to "see you" and thanks...
I wasn't gonna call Fox's 9-11.
They remind Ya of the office`
Vets Suicide Hot Line. 24-7.
office is strewn with beer cans,
gum wrappers,cigar butts, porn,
fraud-sell-out forecasters, t-shirt,
Ya know?
The Suicide Fox TV & Radio Theatre`
The office?
Phone Operators are on `Ox stupors,
Zoloft, Pepsi cans, Fanta `Orange Aid,
Mountain Dew, Powdered`Ox Pho Slop,
and the soled Tissues are called` Values.
Broad castors smell like Anchovy de' Oil.
GOPs cell-lobby i-pal 'honorable' Delay.
The filthy litter scattered on a floor is`
Just valued wrappers geese flop etc.,
Values collectibles. That's what Fox say`
The tea table is a Open Wood burial coffin.
Thanks Arthur...I believe you are referring to the Latur earthquake. India is beautiful, I see it everyday...

As for the manmade angle to the catastrophe, I honestly have no idea...
Gotta love this place. ~nodding~


thanks for these need to be a wallflower.
This was a lovely little piece.
It's nice to see you and your banner again, after all these years
: >]
However you came to OS, I'm glad you did. Just wish you'd send me a little note when you write a new post. They are always so excellent, I hate to miss them.
Thank you for commenting on my story because it led me to your blog. I value authenticity above all else and this blog talks of nothing but open and honest sharing of who we are. SO refreshing! I believe we are all the same internally - we share the same basic insecurities and fears. Although our experiences may shape our external self - the ego based self - in different ways, these are only superficial differences. I too love my own company and often feel guilty about this and until recently, have over-compensated by accepting friendships that do not nourish and sublimating my true voice. As I near 50, I am finally beginning to shed my Wallflower persona...let's continue to share our journeys of self-discovery on OS thank you! Tracey aka Musings of a Half-Back
we love it when you speak up.
Nicely expressed. You might enjoy my post Using Real Names has Real Consequences, which underscores the needs of people to have pseudonymity and anonymity to be able to make certain kinds of personal and political points.
What a beautiful post! xo