Let me admit right up front that I don’t do well with unnecessary interaction. Call it a pet peeve or call me an over-reacting jerk; all I know is that there are certain things in life that bug me. Really, really bug me.

We need to pause here a moment so that you can truly reflect on what I’m talking about. Stop the train; shut off the TV; put down the book; everybody out of the pool.

When I say something ‘…really bugs me’, try to understand that this borders on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, to the point that I’m physically affected. My breathing becomes labored, my heart rate and blood pressure increases accordingly and I can actually feel my central nervous system slowly constrict my very existence. A dark, thick liquid rises from the pit of my stomach, up my esophagus tube and onto my tongue, where it turns in the most disgustingly tasting bile one could imagine. My brain immediately kicks into overdrive and it feels like I’m somehow traveling near the speed of light as I try to comprehend the sheer stupidity of some people. If you think you can appreciate what I’m trying to describe, multiply this feeling by a factor of 10 and you might be close to catching a glimpse of what I’m actually going through.

Yes people, it’s that bad.

You can all get back into the pool now.

Let me also highlight that my feelings are pointed inward. I’m not the type of person to become so enraged that I completely, (or even remotely), lose my temper, blow my top, or turn into a Tasmanian devil. I’ve seen people react like this and although it’s sometimes mildly amusing, it’s not who I want to be. Instead of losing my temper, I’ve learned to channel this excess energy into something better: sarcasm.

My wife tells me that it’s my biggest fault. Apparently, I’m sarcastic at the most inappropriate times. I asked her if she could describe a situation where sarcasm might be appropriate.

“Good point…and yet another example of your sarcasm.”

“But that was an honest question. It doesn’t count as sarcasm.”

“This just proves how much of a problem you really have. You’re subconsciously sarcastic.”

“Okay. I’ll buy that for a dollar. But what if the sarcasm is funny; does that mean it’s inappropriate?”

“If it’s above a ‘7.839’ on the funny scale, I’ll let it slide.”

“Duly noted.”

So besides the magic potion, what would cause the mild mannered Dr. Jekyll to turn into a sarcastic Mr. Hyde? It’s not easy to re-live these images while trying to write, but for the good of humanity and future generations, I will try my best to describe various situations of unnecessary interaction. Most of these situations come disguised in the form of customer service, with me being the customer. I’ve pondered these situations for endless hours and have exhausted a considerable number of brain cells in at attempt to arrive at a plausible explanation for people’s behavior.

So far I’ve been unsuccessful.

The first example that comes to mind is the Wal-Mart Greeter.

JUST WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE MOST HOLY MOTHER MARY OF JESUS H. CHRIST IS THIS PERON’S JOB ???!!!!!

I don’t know this person and they don’t know me. Why are they trying to interact with me? Wal-mart doesn’t care about me. They only want my money. I know this and they know this, and they know that I know this. There’s no need to pretend that we care about each other.

I’ll be damned in eternal Hell if the CEO of Wal-Mart didn’t established a 50-person task force entitled, How to Annoy the Complete Crap Out of the Customers Every Time They Walk into a Wal-Mart Store.

It’s true. When I walk into a Wal-Mart store, I don’t have to shit for three days. As far as I’m concerned they can close the men’s restroom inside the store and use that space for something useful, like modeling classes for Phyllis Diller, the Hunchback of Notre Dane and the entire monkey population at the Detroit Metropolitan Zoo.

If the Wal-mart executives would pull their heads out of their never-been-wiped-good-enough butts for half a second, they would put an end to this ‘Greeter-gimmick’. Anyone who’s been in retail for more than 5 minutes knows that for a gimmick to work successfully, you have to use the 4 B’s: Beautiful, Blonde, Busty and Barely-clothed.

Noooooooooooooo. We get an old retard with spittle sliding down the side of their face…or at least what looks like spittle on what looks like their face.

I can’t be the only one. Come on…this has to bug a few more people.

As a marketing research project, I propose that we do the following: have two entrances and let the mass population decide what they’d rather do. Door #1 is the sorry-ass Wal-mart Greeter. Door #2 opens to a large swimming pool full of whale shit that you’re forced to jump into and somehow make your way to the other side and into the store. I guar-fuck-an-tee it that Door #2 will be more popular.

I’ve discussed this topic with my friends and the general consensus I get is that I’m over-reacting. (How they get this obviously wrong impression, I don’t know.)

“Dude, lighten up. It’s just an old fart saying ‘Hi’.”

“But it’s not. It’s a conspiracy.”

“Conspiracy? You’ve been reading way too many Babylon 5 books lately.”

“No really, I’ll prove it to you.”

I then go into a detailed explanation about capitalism and corporate greed. Everyone readily agrees that Wal-mart wants to make money. If they thought having or not having the despicable Greeter would make them more money, guess which way they’d go? They’d go with the money of course! At the end of the day the Greeter is NOT there to make you feel welcome; the Greeter is NOT there to point you to the Jeff Gordan bath mats; the Greeter is NOT there to help you save time; the Greeter is there because the gimmick makes money.

Am I the only one that sees the dancing street monkey with a tin cup?

C’mon people, try to keep up:

• The dancing street monkey makes money for its owner; the Greeter makes money for Wal-Mart
• The monkey has a tin cup; Wal-Mart has cash registers
• They’re both forced to wear vests
• They both have music playing in the background

I’m all for making money and I think Wal-Mart has done quite nicely at it. However, the Greeter gimmick is unnecessary. If I’ve made it to the front door, you’ve already got me. I’m coming in.

Now get out of my face…

leave me alone…

and stop annoying me.