A big old bonfire, pick up trucks and a keg stand. The typical Saugerties party down a dirt road, through the woods in some back field. Of course I said I was going somewhere else. At 16-years-old, my parents would not have let me go to a keg party in the woods.

I did not know how to drink, I had no tolerance. Sloppy and stupid as I took my first keg stand. I feel nauseous now, thinking about it. I looked up from the funnel and saw my buddy, B***, looking at me with amusement and a twinge of concern. I was so tough, acting like I knew what I was doing. He knew better. He always did. I wondered around, wishing my best friend A***** was there.

It’s still pretty blurry; I remember talking to a handful of people, drinking some more. Trying to focus and be cool. At some point there was a scuffle, people cleared out really quick, jumped into trucks and cars. B*** and some other people I knew, H***, S*****, were going to another location. I jumped in the back of a truck, the party was moving.

I could see out the back of the truck, I knew it was B***'s car behind us. I was laughing and nauseous and things were starting to spin. Nirvana's 'Teen Spirit' was blasting on the radio as we turned down another dirt road. I closed my eyes. The truck stopped.

S***** opened the back of the truck, someone got out. She shook my leg, "You ok Moll?" I just mumbled.

I tried to sit up, tried to move to get out, saw kids standing around a little fire. I knew them, most of them. Some I did not, not from my school. B*** saw me and walked toward the truck. "Let her sleep it off." he leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Silly girl, I thought I lost you back there." He pulled a blanket over me and I closed my eyes. Nauseous and spinning and then nothing.

Nothing.

Then I was afraid. Where am I? Who is this? I kicked.  

Hands, yelling.

H*** and B*** dragged a guy, I did not know, out of the truck. I looked down at myself. I was ok. I didn't really understand what was going on. But I was ok. S***** jumped in the truck as this guy was dragged out onto the dirt. I was confused, embarrassed. I wished she was A*****. I hugged S*****. "Thank you" I said. She was so cold.

That was it. I put it out of my mind. I was ok, I wasn’t supposed to be there. Nothing happened so nothing to think about. The next day in school B*** asked me if I was ok. Of course I was. No one else ever brought it up.

More than a decade later H*** finds me online. He comes up to my work, we hike around the lake. Talk about the years in between. Our mutual friends, our different paths. Nothing of that night long ago. I never really thought about it after it happened. There were so many other nights, days, which stand out to me, more important, meaningful, about being young and finding my way.

H*** and I stop along our hike. He is standing on the rock ledge a little in front of where I sit. We breathe and take it in, the view, the peace. I’m trying not to, but I shiver. He looks back at me and offers his coat.

"Naw, I'm good." I smile.

His arm is still extended, coat and gloves in hand. I'm not so tough, I take the coat. I see him. He is beautiful. He always was. He is older now, a man, but still so beautiful. I can see in his face, he's seen things, but there is no darkness, no shadow in his eyes. He looks back out over the lake, the cliffs across the way. I close my eyes. This is nice.

But I'm still shivering so we move on, walk back and get tea. We sit by a fire inside and talk about life after high school. The great friends we shared, how his and mine paths never really crossed until now. I am happy he came up the mountain. We sit and talk for hours, forget lunch, forget dinner.

Later we talk of deeper things;  our similar mothers, our loving families, and the things we never knew about each other. The people we loved and lost, the friends we still have who drive us crazy. The things we kept private as teenagers, about our families, our lives, ourselves: Those things that don’t matter now, but did then.

I think of A*****, how she and I drifted apart, I still miss her. B*** and I keep in touch. He checks up on me, still making sure I’m ok. Then, I remember that night, many years ago, in the truck, in the woods. I remember it was H*** and B*** who just did the right thing. What might have happened. I ask H*** if he remembers a place called the Love Shack. He vaguely does.

But I am ok. I see it clearly, I'm not embarrassed. I hug H***. "Thank you" I say.