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Molly Lilly

Molly Lilly
Location
Upstate, New York, USA
Birthday
July 04
Bio
Words fail me.

MY RECENT POSTS

JUNE 28, 2010 11:59AM

Skinny Bitch

Rate: 17 Flag

I was once curvier. Big boobs, big ass. I never liked it on me. Then, it seemed a burden, unwanted weight on my small frame. I grew to accept it, after trying anything, unhealthy things, to be rid of the womanly curves.

Now I am thin. I am in my mid-thirties, a time when most women, thin or not, start to put on the pounds. I am lean but have enough curves not to look like a twelve year-old. I am cute, sometimes beautiful and look younger than I am. Right, fuck me.

My thinness, a result of working my ass off, literally, running around the resort where I work with crates of liquor, beer, wine. From dining room to wine cellar to kitchen to bar, up and down stairs, cases in arm, restocking, setting up temporary bars for weddings and family reunions and such.

I eat, I eat well, but I eat and run. The buffets and fine dining are at my disposal. A dessert case of last night's gourmet peanut butter cups and chocolate cake and coconut custard pie are open to all employees 18-hours a day. I sample.

I work hard. I play hard and spend any free time I have visiting my parents, my sisters, a few close friends, sometimes a boy.

Once in a while I sneak up the path, past the boiler house, and the main building of the resort, where I live and work, and hike a trail. I only go at night, alone. Employees and guests are strongly discouraged from hiking at night. I hike to the top when the sky is clear and the moon permits. I stop at the top of the lake to let my eyes adjust to the dark. No flash light. I need my hands and refuse to wear one of those silly helmets with a minor's light attached that are sold in the gift shop.

From my favorite spot, I look out over the main guesthouse, look up at the stars.  I sit for a bit, never more than half an hour. In the darkness I am not thin or fat, I am just me. Then I scramble down the rocks, through the trees, I think it's a path, back to the dorms. Years ago I never would have done this, I would sit in my apartment and eat ice cream and wonder why I was lonely. Now I know it was not because I was bigger, but because I was in my apartment, hiding, eating ice cream or not.

I guess I feel I need an excuse for my thinness. But I don't have one. There was a time, in my teens, when Kate Moss was the epitome of beauty and I was thick, when I would have given anything to be thin. Now it just is, I am. A result of living, not eating my sorrows away or sitting lonely in my room. I just don't have time to dwell on myself, pitifully as I once did, bigger or thinner. Maybe I would have always been thin, had I taken better care of myself. That's the point right, taking care of yourself?

A young woman I work with recently looked at me nastily blurted out, "you're tooooo thin! It's gross." I bit my tongue, thinking "I'm sorry you hate your curves, I'm sorry you smoke your weight in Mary Jane and order pizza every night." No woman likes to be picked apart, her body put in the spotlight with disdain. Instead I said, "you look like a real woman, and your boyfriend loves you." She bit her tongue.

But I get it. I can't talk about clothes shopping and not finding something I like or feeling bloated, not around many women. I know how it sounds, how they feel, looking at me, annoyed, looking for flaws, which I have, to compare.

What they don't know is this, my last boyfriend cheated. He cheated with a big girl. After I found out, I remember looking in the mirror, naked, cupping my small breasts, missing what I once had. I turned to the side and arched my back to stick out my ass. I stood there crying, picturing him entwined with her and her curvy womanhood. I imagined his face planted in her enormous boobs, his hands grabbing her buxom butt as he thrust. I sobbed, feeling like less of a woman, unwanted, not enough.

 

Fuck him.

 

Fuck the media, Fuck implants, fuck Vogue and Cosmo and fuck Acai Berry.

 

Fuck the dirty old men who harass me at work and look at me lustily like I'm Lolita. Their wives of 20 something years, who's wider hips are testament of the life and love they gave, who look at me with that "you little whore" face. I smile, it's my job. I understand. I hate it.

 

When I sit and blabber with women I work with, or with my girl friends, and weight comes up, as it always does with women, I refrain. My leg starts to shake under the table and I look away like I'm lost in thought. Sometimes an opportunity comes, after an awkward moment of silence, when they realize I have been quiet, I say, "yeah, yeah, I'm a skinny bitch, I know." They laugh. I get it. I can't say anything and shouldn't. I don't talk about watching how much sugar or fat I eat, my dad has battled diabetes and high blood pressure and I worry. I don't talk about feeling like a child, undeveloped. I don't tell them I was once bigger, in high school, when girls were cruel and boys were idiots. I don't tell them I worry that any man who is attracted to me is somehow messed up, that he likes little girls or will end up controlling, dominant, abusive. It's happened before. My concerns are hidden, and remain so.

Bodies change, women's bodies change alot, from puberty, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause, age. Mine will change again. But for now, I'm a skinny bitch.

 

Body

 

 

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I grew up a very skinny, wirey tom boy. I hated not having curves until well into high school. It seemed a curse to be so skinny; long before the term skinny bitch was uttered. Now, with age, skinnyness adds age to your appearance, leaving your face too gaunt and aging skin more wrinkled and paper thin looking. Enjoy this while you can, while your skin is still soft and supple. Now, I have learned to be happy at any weight and need to slather on the moisturizer! When you have grand children, being called a skinny bitch just doesn't fly. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. A few extra pounds each year and a love handle that peeks out over my jeans. Won't kill me! I like what you said about the dirty old men who creep you out and the wives that have stood by them for decades, who are working so hard to age gracefully. So many men (not all) are delusional to think that young, beautiful girls like you, would give them a second look. Yuck!
I had a roommate in college who was a "skinny bitch." Because I have always been on the the thick side of the spectrum, I had no idea how difficult her life felt to her . . . until one day, she told us. I've never looked at "skinny" the same way again . . .

I wish women could quit with all the pressure on themselves and each other . . . and feel content with themselves and therefore others. This is a beautiful piece of work, Molly Lilly . . . very, very human, very, very honest, and marvelously full.
I like this post.

I was chunky once. My face was filled out and I was, not exactly overweight, but nice and rounded. Then my husband died suddenly and I dropped about a 10th of my weight and it never returned.

People had lots to say on the subject, some of it wrapped inside something else I couldn't define. It wasn't always complimentary and I was for awhile too distraught to try to parse the hidden meanings. Now I figure 1) I earned it, 2) it has nothing to do with who I am and everything to do with what I went through and
3) f-ck 'em if they can't take a joke.
I carry my fat picture with me and throw it out on the table when I get this kind of attitude. "Look, I've been there, I've done that, I changed my eating habits, I'm thin now."

I'm sick of people telling me that I don't know what it's like.
I had to wait, to repsond, to take this in.

This line: "In the darkness I am not thin or fat, I am just me."

To me, you stand, always, in bright light. This is big, this post, in the most important way: Truth, frayed and irregular is bigger than all else.

You earned and earn all you have. You have precisely enough, and I think you always will, because you own yourself.

I have loved you each and every day, but I have never been as impressed with your talent as today, nor as proud of you as a fully human being.

This is exceptional writing.
Wonderful writing, Oh Skinny Bitch! _r
Wonderful post. Your life sounds fun and full. Why, why, WHY can't we women talk to each other without starting in with the body type/weight/eating stuff? There are so many more interesting things to talk about. Loved your response to your coworker - way to shut it down firmly, yet gently.
Beauty and body size have no bearing on each other. If your ex went after the curvy model because of that, he's a moron and you are best off without him. Likewise the men who lust for you and ignore their curvier wives. Fools who deserve whatever happens to them.

Are only men prone to lusting after what they don't have, no matter what that is? I suspect not...but perhaps we are more prone? I've given up apologizing for my gender & decided all I can do is try to be the best man I can be, after years of mistakes, to try to balance the scales.

By the way...I loved your two paragraphs describing sneaking off by yourself. Nice images.
If your bio is accurate and you're in/around New Paltz, NY, then you are definitely in "big people" territory

Enjoyed the read

(R)
I take it that you wouldn't like a guy weighing in on this one!
(R)ated for making me read the whole thing!
Nick Carraway ~ Right on.

Just Cathy ~ The weight will come or not, I'm sure the wrinkles will. I look forward to the swellling belly, maybe one day, of having children. I look forward to silver hair, like a fairy. I wasted to much time fighting the inevitable, now I anticipate it and look at beauty everywhere.

Owl_Says_Who ~ Life is difficult, skinny, thin, short, tall, black, white, young, old. I agree, women are much tougher on eachother and themselves than men. It is a shame.

Nicki Stern ~ Thank you. I lost more wieght when I found out about the ex's cheating, stressed and sad. I understand. I made myself gain some back. I never would have thought that I would ever had to battle being too thin.
Women speak in tongues it seems, our own confusion and feelings put on others, wanting to be nice, unable to hide personal opinion. I've done it, try not to anymore.

WendyLynn ~ I must admit, I have disguarded "fat photo's" that turn up. My own vanity I guess. I'm not that brave. Though I am super happy in most photo's taken, no matter my size. That's what I don't forget.

Papa ~ Thank you, thank you for the Writer's Retreat that got me to post again :)

Joan H ~ Thank you! Hah :)

MissV ~ Thank you for noticing the good in this, yes, my life is full and fun and I love it. I always have, thick or thin. And yes, there are soooo many more important things than what size we are. I love my girlfriends deeply and love to distract them form such conversations.

Irishwolfhound ~ People are animals, male or female. We all like thinks that make us feel good and pretty things make us feel good. I guy once told me, thin looks good, thick feels good. Who knows.
My night hikes are my sacred space, happy or sad. A time to just breath, thank you.

Crazeczar ~ I hadn't noticed, but thank you.

Fred Hallman ~ Hahaha, nice. People struggle with weight, so come on join in.
Molly: I don't want this to sound glib. But the metaphorical truth I know is that whatever size a person may be, what matters is how thick a person's skin is. Too thick, and life bounces off the surface. Too thin, and life invades and destroys. I'd say, after hearing your reading at the writer's retreat, that you've had to struggle to find a balance in this regard. And your story -- both the experience of it and your willingness to tell it, (which I hope you'll one day post here) demonstrates that you've found that graceful balance. Your bravery is remarkable.
Walk through a supermarket checkout line and check the tabloids. "Who's Anorexic?" next to "Look, Jennifer Love Hewitt Has Cellulite." "How to Lose 10 Pounds in a Week" next to "Try This Luscious Chocolate Cake Recipe." No wonder the subject of weight drives people crazy.

Bravo for your attitude, Molly.
lordy, I'm sick of it. I'm the same fat or thin, curvy or skinny, however you want to say it. The person living inside the body here is just doing the best she can.
This made me cry.
The part about you looking in the mirror, thinking about him entwined with the bigger girl, feeling less of a woman...
much too perfectly articulated...
I've been there... am still there...
but you're right, our bodies do constantly change and we're beautiful in all our womanly stages of life. I think your brain is gorgeous and probably always has been and probably always will be. loved your writing.
I missed this one, and I am reminded how much I enjoy reading you. I'm sending this link to a friend I love. She's a SB too. Thanks for posting. Good writing!
You are such a great writer! This really opened my eyes. I've never called anyone a skinny bitch, but I have begruged some their small waists. I shall think of you next time I make a joke of shooting a thin girl. Sheesh. What the hell am I thinking? Thanks for this. Very good.