Good Golly Miss... ✎

Molly Lilly

Molly Lilly
New York, New York, USA
July 04
Words fail me.


APRIL 5, 2011 8:06PM

On My Way

Rate: 8 Flag

 When I lived in DC I was not an honorable woman. I used to cheat and lie. No, I did not work for a lobbyist, but I was dishonest just the same. I have changed.

In DC I had several friends who loved me just the same. They worried and confronted. I went through ups and downs. It was not until I left and moved home to New York that I was able to make myself a better woman.

After being back in New York for several years I planned a trip down to DC. I wanted to sit down, buy a cup of coffee for a couple friends and look them in the eye and apologize. Take my lumps and hear what they may have to say.

Unfortunately, my place to stay in DC fell through at the last moment and I have spent the last couple of days alone at my place truly distraught. I sent a couple messages to those I planned on meeting up with. They had been excited for my visit and were disappointed I was not coming. However, none of them offered up accommodations. I don't blame them.

They do not know me now. Know that I pay my way, that I give back. I am not a walking manipulation. It's hard to just tell them I have come around, stepped up and worked my shit out. I wanted them to see.

So I have to take these lumps, alone. I realize now that I can't really go back and fix it. I will compromise with occasional Facebook comments and status 'Likes'. Maybe a random text message will be exchanged. But that is all. No reconnection, no smile or hug that illuminates forgiveness.

This painful sober solitude is why I partied so hard. However, I will not turn. I must be on my way towards a better me. These are the times that one could falter. But I look my past square in the face. I cringe, then wash my face.

You see, for a person like me, it is necessary not to feel sorry for myself. It is imperative. I could turn any situation into a victimization of 'Poor Molly'. That was what I used to do. I am sad...

Well, tough.

More than anything I am so sorry. Not all of this is about me.

Maybe next spring I will plan another visit. I'll go in time to see the Cherry Blossoms. With more time, I'll be that much better a woman. I'm already on my way.

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As far as I'm concerned, you've arrived. Pink says it best with her hit song - the one with Perfect in the title. Continued consciousness will keep you from losing precious ground you worked hard for, and deepen the victory of freedom. It takes courage to suck it up, the consequences we've created, and it's a worthwhile price to pay while we allow others the grace of time to catch up to the reality of where we are now. I'm both proud of and inspired by you. rated with love.
Thank you dear Maria. You inspire me.
"You see, for a person like me, it is necessary not to feel sorry for myself. It is imperative."

How right you are Molly -- but not just about yourself. I'm coming to see thaty self-pity is rampant wherever I look -- outside and inside. And, as your post so thoughtfully demonstrates, confronting that fact and looking it in the face is as difficult as it is necessary. And admirable.
" But I look my past square in the face. I cringe, then wash my face."
The smart ones do just that, Molly. And the good in you is clear.~r
You step up and stay up. You are walking the walk, and some of those take us to darker places sometimes, just plain cruddy places, then take us back to the light

Courage resounds in you, in this post, in every line. The best courage is the one that trembles at times, lets itself mope a bit just because, but is always ready to get up when life requires. You have that courage.

The most moving part of this for me is the way you describe wanting to simply sit and look them in the eye and be the better, whole you. This is sign and wonder of your self-transformation, Molly my sweet daughter, that you want this, you want all of it: the reward, the fun, the daily energy, the self-respect, -- but also the dues-paying, the presentation of wrongdoing, the resolution and reconciliation, if it is to be gained, with some.

You have done what the foolish and fearful cannot do, what the inattentive and timid never try, what the bullys and proud won't do: you have embraced THIS life, made yourself eager for the daily weight of it, made yourself open to the great gifts of it -- and found them.

You enrich us, your family, made our lives better with your work, make us embarrassed to feel too glum, and brave enough to be brave, too, like you. The gift of your existence, as you have defined it, for you, is an immeasurable gift to your sisters.

This life takes all we have, and you have enough and plenty extra, one breath, one joke, one careful observation, one day at a time. I love you, and thank you, for the thousand gifts and the sustenance that you have given to me.

You write with eloquence.
Rated for courage. And do make that visit.
Totally rated . . . both for the writing, and for the content . . . change is difficult, both for the one changing, and for those who are unsure how to evaluate the effects of the change. Continued courage, ML . . . rock on . . .
It takes both guts and talent to articulate so beautifully difficult experiences and insights.
You are so close, hope you do not give up and make that trip and write about it too, we shall wait. You take your time, one has to complete the dive before one can resurface, right?