When I lived in DC I was not an honorable woman. I used to cheat and lie. No, I did not work for a lobbyist, but I was dishonest just the same. I have changed.
In DC I had several friends who loved me just the same. They worried and confronted. I went through ups and downs. It was not until I left and moved home to New York that I was able to make myself a better woman.
After being back in New York for several years I planned a trip down to DC. I wanted to sit down, buy a cup of coffee for a couple friends and look them in the eye and apologize. Take my lumps and hear what they may have to say.
Unfortunately, my place to stay in DC fell through at the last moment and I have spent the last couple of days alone at my place truly distraught. I sent a couple messages to those I planned on meeting up with. They had been excited for my visit and were disappointed I was not coming. However, none of them offered up accommodations. I don't blame them.
They do not know me now. Know that I pay my way, that I give back. I am not a walking manipulation. It's hard to just tell them I have come around, stepped up and worked my shit out. I wanted them to see.
So I have to take these lumps, alone. I realize now that I can't really go back and fix it. I will compromise with occasional Facebook comments and status 'Likes'. Maybe a random text message will be exchanged. But that is all. No reconnection, no smile or hug that illuminates forgiveness.
This painful sober solitude is why I partied so hard. However, I will not turn. I must be on my way towards a better me. These are the times that one could falter. But I look my past square in the face. I cringe, then wash my face.
You see, for a person like me, it is necessary not to feel sorry for myself. It is imperative. I could turn any situation into a victimization of 'Poor Molly'. That was what I used to do. I am sad...
More than anything I am so sorry. Not all of this is about me.
Maybe next spring I will plan another visit. I'll go in time to see the Cherry Blossoms. With more time, I'll be that much better a woman. I'm already on my way.