What is about being young and helpless that files into the lives of everday women? It is a site for sore eyes, and individuals affected by the sense of a woman that is angry is practically scorned for life. I should know, my mother was angry, not that she might want to agree quickly to that. She would have the sense of denial, the dreaded "d" word that urges many to purge attempts of being self pleasing, self fufilling. It is not a bad thing to be in denial, but yet it comes with some other unfufilling tendencys. Being a theif it comes in the night to determine and encourage fateful messges while one lays sleeping.

         Night visions that do not go away once the eyes open, the illusions are still quite present. The sense of anger has certain abilities to control, that encourges unspecific fears. Why only at night does the truth appear? under the guise of what is real, the anger is real. At night when the truth of many lies appear like a disguise instead of dreams I see nightmares worse yet they are my truth in despair I cry silent tears.

         Vignettes of writers I have known are always in my quiet audience, the audience again reveraberates and the anger is silent, but present. I am told by my mother that most important things are that, "you are born with it". I state back, "you are"? I ask hesitantly, "with what"? She answers, "a gift", I pause to reflect on her interpretation as we are listening to musical family, I would say the year is 1967 or so. It's "The King Family" for those of you much younger, you will not be familiar with them. But  I am sure if you go to You Tube and look up "The King Family" you will find many videos. They were a talented family, much like "Lawrence Welk".

        I liked the little girl that would sing, and I asked my mother that Sunday, if I could sing like that? To that my mother answered, "no", being I was not one to accept the simple answers I asked why not? Her response was no better, she stated "you are born with it"? It was like I'd gotten one of those slap in the face type of answers. I am sorry for not being born with it, that was my mothers take on practically anything there was to give comment on or judgement of. "You were born with it", did not leave my craw for many years. I might imangine if I looked I might still find it there.

       Moving along, I managed to find many things that would make my mother angry. What gives? It was our chemistry as I had absorbed how to make my mother angry, I was also missing one main ingredient, how did I make her happy? Well, believe it or not that wasn't too hard, she loved cards, and loved to send them as well. It was her trademark, she had that way about her, she would send a little note, a thoughtful comic or just some odd sentiment that showed how she was feeling.

        How easy is it show how you feel?

        I leave some space there, because it isn't. As I type here some of the things come up easily, others are buried and on rare occasions their memory comes up to the surface. Sometimes while I am lying awake at night, thinking about stuff I am not even sure if I am aware of, those first perfect thoughts come back and I am able to pin-point a diagram of where I have regressed back to those primal feelings. Other times, I see the spaces that don't allow me to quite put two sepeartae polaritys together, the one where I used to live, as opposed to how those original patterns shaped me.