Or, for that matter, any kind of wild animal.

Thank you.

I appreciate your cooperation.

I really do.

And for your information, not that you asked, I don’t stalk younger men in order to sink my talon-like claws into them and drag them back to my den. That would be wrong. I don’t really have talon-like claws, for one thing, and I’m happily married, for another.

Yesterday I discovered that some people have a problem with age differences. Can you imagine? It’s not as if anyone in this relationship is underaged, which would be a problem. Do I pronounce someone else’s marriage “creepy” because I don’t like it? (I might, but not right in front of them. I’d do it the proper way, behind their back.)

And for your information (not that I’m including you in this sort of thing, not at all, so I’ll change that . . . ) And for their information, when I wasn’t married or committed or wallowing in the depths of my singlehood, they were chasing me, not the other way around.

I know it’s hard to believe, but there’s that whole cougar myth thing going on out there. Honestly, some of the offers I received were downright hideous. Such as this: “I want to meet you and have a relationship but we couldn’t go out in public together but there’s lots of indoor activities we can do instead . . . “

Huh? I shooed the young boys away like swatting away flies, they were that consequential to me.

I shooed away my husband, for that matter, on the basis of age. “You’re far too young,” I told him, “So go away now.” Well, he didn’t, apparently, because he’s still here, even though there’s this 20 year age gap which becomes apparently only when . . . let me think. Here’s a good example: when we discuss the world before computers. He doesn’t really remember such a time. But that’s okay. I don’t really have any context for his numerous family trips to Hawaii since I’ve never been. (I know, how can that be possible?)

I’ve heard people say that these things don’t work because we’re in different life stages. Like we’re butterflies and he’s in the larval stage while I’m in the pupal stage? I could see how that would be a problem in a relationship.

I just consulted Wikipedia on a whim, and actually, I’m not that far from the pupa stage. As they say: Pupae are inactive, and usually sessile (not able to move about). They have a hard protective coating and often use camouflage to evade potential predators. That is so me, so maybe they have a point there, though I rather doubt it. Or maybe I’m a chrysalis, which seems to be the same thing but sounds nicer.

Remind me again, how does that relate to people? It’s not as if we all go through the same stages at the same time based only on age and never repeat them. As a real world example, I repeat stages all the time, especially the one at the beginning of adulthood when one’s trying to find their way. Rinse and repeat. I’m hoping to get it right one of these days. As for the charming husband, he’s always been at the grown up adult stage, though he is quite accomplished at acting like a 10 year old at any given time, and does, which makes me laugh, which is far more important than having attained the age of consent at the same time if you ask me. Even then, he surpasses me in emotional maturity, since emotionally I’m more like 7.

I think it’s the whole label thing I have a problem with. I don’t like labels. I’m label averse. How can you possibly define someone with a label? I’m so label averse that I’m sitting here looking at my new 6-drawer plastic file cabinet that’s been here for weeks and still doesn’t have labels for the drawers, which were to be labeled so I could fill each one with the appropriate papers. I’m so label averse I haven’t managed to make labels because what if I change my mind at any given time and want to put something else in drawer 2 instead of drawer 3?

So let’s count the ways in which I’m not a cougar: 1. I don’t like labels. 2. I’m not an insect. 3. I don’t have talons.

I think that pretty much covers it. Now just watch . . . someone’s going to call me a cougar. Sigh. Y'all are hopeless.