The rapture of celebrity friendship
To the everyday gentleperson, celebrities are like the gods and goddesses of Mt. Olympus. They pass thunderously - brilliant, muscular cumulus clouds in an empty sky, weightless, magnificent, colossal. And yet once accepted into their personal sphere, when we enjoy a close, personal friendship with a "Big Star", we see all too clearly that they are no different from the rest of us. Our "Big Star" friends are only richer, more beautiful and more talented than mere mortals, those comparatively uninteresting persons who quickly fade into the background of our lives, never to be seen or heard from again.
This is what it's been like for me and Sandy. "Sandy", you ask? Oh, excuse me! I am referring to Sandra Bullock, Best Actress Oscar-winner for her role in The Blind Side! You are obviously not aware that only her close, personal friends call her "Sandy"! How could you be?
"Sandy"
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
Ah yes, big, big Star, my Sandy! But it was not always thus. Why, just a year ago, in 2009, Sandy's career was floundering (I'm sure she doesn't mind my saying so) when she appeared in the not-very-good romantic comedy, All About Steve.
I tried to warn her. Don't do it Sandy, I said. But did she listen? No. Sigh. That's what happens when you don't listen to your close personal friends, Sandy! Everything about it was wrong: the script, the casting, the direction. What can I say? I don't lie to my friends. I tell the truth. And All About Steve was just - well, it was not a very pleasant film at all.
A disappointed Sandy with All About Steve rumored-to-be-doing-each-other co-stars
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
Sadly, Sandy appeared to come undone during that time we weren't speaking. She dyed her hair honey-blond and cut it into a shag for the role (a mistake). She wore tie-dye and red plastic boots, seeming to go off the deep end. And where did her rejection of my friendship leave her? Onstage accepting a Razzie - known for "cremating cinematic crap for over 25 years!"
In this clip of Sandy's Razzie acceptance speech, you will note that there is a small gap at 2.44. Someone inexplicably edited out the segment where Sandy apologizes for ignoring my tireless support and close, personal friendship etc. Why the clip was edited I do not know - except to say that the real movers and shakers in the world of Hollywood celebrity frequently go completely unacknowledged. I plan to bring this up with Sandy next time I see her, as I'm not very happy about it.
But I am happy to report that Sandy and I finally reconciled - and were photographed doing so - at the All About Steve premiere on August 26, 2009.
The evening began innocently enough. Briskly boarding the #780 at Hollywood and Highland, I noticed that the traffic was exceedingly thick. As the bus inched toward Mann's Chinese Theatre, one could see barricades on both sides of Hollywood Boulevard holding back agitated legions, all looking and pointing in one direction. What ever is going on, I wondered, my aquiline nose pressed up against the window. Suddenly the driver decelerated in front of the landmark theatre, phosphorescent in kleig lights and a multitude of popping camera flashes - just as Sandy appeared on the red carpet!
Oh that Sandy!
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
The bus slowed to a stop directly behind her on the scarlet sidewalk, as the crowds surged forward. Her back to the street, she paused with that supreme - if misguided in this case - actorly confidence for a glittering cascade of flashbulbs, her back erect, her smile uncompromised by the slightest ambivalence, serene, her feet in fifth position, hands on hips, hands down, turning slightly left, slightly right, then left again for the worshipful paparazzi. To those, like myself, who cringe before the lens, she appeared godlike, opaque as marble, as if the surface was all one were ever to see, that surface composed, sculpted, polished to the highest possible sheen. I sat transfixed, behind her shoulders on the bus, furiously smoking a Gauloise, wettish with pride for my close personal friend.
Well, if you are such good friends, why didn't you say something about that atrocious outfit then, you may be asking!
Outfit not approved by M. Chariot
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
As well you should. But here is where things get a little dicey. As one of Sandy's closest personal friends, I make it a point to try to be as supportive as I can; I typically never criticize her finery. But now was the moment of our rapprochement, dear reader: I decided it was time to reach out, to calmly engage in a heart-to-heart with the misguided star.
If you look very closely, you can see me gesturing my absolute dismay about her ensemble from the window of the bus, behind her. You will note that I am wearing my fancy silk waistcoat, tailcoat, frock coat, striped trousers and top hat, which I don whenever I expect to be photographed with Sandy. Out-of-date men's fashions are anathema to stars of Sandy's magnitude. Slobs need not apply!
Sandy and I intimately discussing her future in showbiz
Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images North America
As for her gown, it became clear to me that the appalling costumes and hairstyle Sandy was forced to wear for months while filming All About Steve left her a tad fashionaddled. Forgivable, I'm sure! Sometimes all a big star needs is a gentle prod in the right direction - from someone she can trust.
Well, it appears Sandy took our tete-a-tete seriously, directly resulting in, yes, an Oscar, not that you asked. Perhaps next time Sandy will think twice before she turns her back on me again.
Sandy Victorious!
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scottcvoss
Autumn Whitefield-Madrano
Authenticity
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Salon.com
Comments
As for Sandy, thank God she wised up. A grateful TV audience thanks you for your intercession.
As devoted follower of your posts, I only hope that your writing will be more prolific.
Anyway, all is well now. Whew. Your suave manner, of course, benefits everyone who comes into contact with it.
It's so good to see you, Monsieur. Now we know where you've been...obviously your work with Sandy has consumed much of your time. I do understand, as my work with the Pink Mafia has been wild and woolly due to Sarah P.'s book tour and her affair with Rachel Maddow. xox
(r) for fun, good writing and that outfit with the silk waistcoat...
My dear Mme Kelly ~ my people are conferring with "Sandy's" people re the omission as we speak. Will keep you posted.
My dear Mme Kern ~ When it comes to friendship and intimacy, gesturing from the window of a bus is far more effective than you seem to think.
My dear M. Sheepdog ~ I was actually considering hiring an assistant to handle Sandy's porno star husband situation. Interested?
My dear Mlle Owl ~ Thank you for recognizing my critical contribution to Sandy's stardom. Someone had to take some responsibility, and it looks like I've been elected by the powers that be.
My dear Mlle Hagood ~ An EP would be fine - but only as a support to Sandy's tottery career, mind you!
Rated
My dear Mlle Silkstone ~ You will be pleased to know that I have submitted several cherished, handwritten notes with recommendations to Sandy's lavations.
My dear Mlle Surly ~ When one cannot do great things, one does small things in a great way.
My dear Mlle Roddick ~ Your tender note confirms that the discerning fashion sense of a true Lady is something Sandy - at this juncture in her career - can only dream of.
My dear Mlle Muse ~ I appreciate any support directed toward my close personal friend Sandy - but really, my dear.
My dear Mlle Young ~ My Metro Pass is bestowed gratis by the City of Hollywood, for my untiring support of celebrities such as Sandra Bullock!
My dear Mlle Stuart ~ My people should get in touch with you shortly.
My dear Mlle Sneed ~ We all have our celebrity crosses to bear - and it looks like you have your hands full! But in the case of Rachel Maddow, maybe that's not so bad.
My dear M. Redencracker ~ It looks like you and Reluctant Muse, above, may have something - however unfortunate - in common.
My dear Mlle MissingK8 ~ Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
My dear Mlle Hyblaean-Julie ~ Too much time in the Hollywood aether and one begins to feel as though one is a celebrity oneself!
My dear Mlle Riordan ~ Gentlepersons like yourself don't just suspect; they know.
My dear M. Youdin ~ When it comes to the magic of Hollywood, close scrutiny is not recommended.
On a more serious note, can you begin to explain why the
Academy has for 18 + years refused Meryl Streep an oscar? These people work with her. I know, and am sorry to disclose this, that she has refused your sartorial advice. Even so, I'm sure you two haven't had the fall out Sandy and you did, and so can you explicate why they constantly diss Meryl. Or nominate but refuse to vote for her? Sorry but I had no one else to ask. (you're the best!)r
My dear M. Chapman ~ I know where you can get a 2nd hand pair - but they won't be cheap! I'm been counseling Sandy on her cash flow.
My dear M. Procopius ~ Are you referencing the same Meryl Street-person as WendyO? Looks like you two may have something - however unfortunate - in common.
My dear M. BuddhaFun ~ "Sandy" and "bitch" are two words that do not belong in the same sentence (though she did portray a very good one in The Proposal). I'll accept your apology on Sandy's behalf.
Think about endearing yourself to Susan Sarandon. I'm concerned about her newly single lifestyle, and she is beginning to let herself go.
I am one of the fortunate ones that the Steve movie was not even a blip on my radar. Until this post. As always, a most enjoyable read.
My dear Mlle Greenhorn ~ Ah yes! The Sarandon/Robbins divorce: it's left Sandy and I reeling! Someone needs to investigate and report back on OS, no?
My dear Mlle Craig ~ You will be interested to know that I specifically arranged to have you protected from the Steve debacle. Couldn't bear the thought of you being exposed to such nonsense, my dear. Sandy was furious!
We will have to make do by learning through example.
r
As for her fashion sense, let just sen it's non.
I am reluctant to see the movie that garnered her the second award - well, also reluctant to see "All About Steve" for many reasons, but maybe I'd watch it in an airplane to Cuba - but, I digress, the movie in question seems offensive to me because of Giant Magic Negro mythology made real in celluloid. I tire of white people finding themselves through saving people of color in movies.
However, Ms. Bullock certainly looked stunning, and I'm glad you told her that the extreme side part would be a hit for everyone.
I love Ms. Bullock for her racy husband, Jesse James - and loved that wink she sent to him. Or was it meant for you?
Your fan, Alison
Wonderful bit of history and friendship! Rated...rated high!!
My dear Mlle Seijo ~ Watch and learn!
My dear Mlle Sandstrom ~ I think you do know what I mean, my dear Mlle Sandstrom!
My dear Mlle Williams ~ Sadly all is not what it seems to the kindly spectator.
My dear Mlle aim ~ The Giant, Magical person - "Negro" or otherwise - constitutes one of cinema's most sustaining themes! It just so happens that most of the Giant and the Magical among us happen to be African Americans these days! Anyway, that's Sandy's (and my) opinion on the matter!
My dear M. Lauerman ~ I may not know much, but I do know what a traffic accident on Hollywood Boulevard looks like! And yet, how to express it delicately?
My dear Mlle Scupper ~ Let it not be said the M. Chariot is hooking his wagon to Sandy's star! I am only here to serve. As a close, personal friend!
My dear Mlle Docteur Freeborn ~ I am so pleased you were able to rouse your delicate self to witness my triumph! And Sandy's triumph too, of course.
My dear M. Justis ~ It takes a perceptive creative such as yourself to recognize my hand in Hollywood's highest ceremony: the Academy Awards!
My dear Mlle Latethink ~ The bus never comes between me and Sandy: after all, she and I have a personal connection in that regard.
Tres bien!
Merci bien...
My dear Mlle Sorrentino ~ You'd think Sandy would get it, wouldn't you?
My dear Mlle JustJuli ~ Close personal friends like Sandy find my bus window gesticulations quite compelling.
My dear Mlle LivingKinky ~ Sandy has been known to wink and make suggestive comments aimed at me from the movie screen - but I wouldn't exactly call her "stalker-ish". That's just the way she is, that Sandy!
My dears Mlle LuluandPhoebe ~ Sandy will be so pleased by your kind comments!
My dear Mlle Isitt ~ No worries! I have my eye on Sandra at this very moment!
Coming from Mount Olympus my self..I think that celeb..should be more of earth material...All are in a lawn...Liked your writing..
My dear Mlle GreekWriterInNeed ~ Earthy things one finds on the lawn... Hmm.... Could you be referring to Σκατά???? Mon Dieu!
My dear M. Tawl ~ I am so pleased that you complimented my sang-froid! It's one of the things Sandy loves most about me.
My dear M. Tarheel ~ Exposed by your pixel-enhancing perspicacity! M. Chariot despairs of these newfangled technologies!
My dear Mlle Blonde ~ Since hearing the news of Sandy's recent marital problems, I have sent several hundred meticulously hand-written notes detailing my advice. Have yet to hear back.