.

Monsieur Chariot

Monsieur Chariot
Location
That Dazzling and Luminous California Metropolis known as The City Of The Angels, USA
Birthday
June 08
Bio
Offering Discreet Tutelage in the Metropolitan Arts to Inquiring Gentlepersons of Variously Misguided Social Persuasions

MY RECENT POSTS

DECEMBER 28, 2012 9:52PM

Have Yourself a Merry Little Apocalypse - Repost

Rate: 14 Flag

   M.ChariotStylishApocalypse5.jpg

You'll excuse me for saying so, but it seems that these days, one can't turn on the television, read a newspaper or peruse a blog without encountering someone shrieking about The Looming End of All Things!

Why just yesterday on the television, some blatherskite insisted that the globe is ready to go up in flames like a child's marshmallow on a stick, held too long over a cosmic campfire. Turning it off and picking up a newspaper, I read about marauding hordes of Muslims, Abortionists, Homosexuals, Liberals and Gun Owners, marching on Suburbia to decimate life as we know it with bombs, devastating efforts to provide healthcare, shocking marital inclinations and antique muskets.

Crumpling the rag into a ball and logging on to my antique computer, I sink into a bloggy swamp of condemnations regarding glittering capitalist skyscrapers so high and tottery they collapse under their own weight, crushing hordes of unemployed demonstrators below. Caterwauling in the streets, bellowing in the media and finger-wagging on the blogosphere have become so continuous, so rackety and obstreperous, that sophisticated gentlepersons shrink behind eyelet curtains, wishing never again to emerge from cloistral apartments.

 MChariotBombFlourish.jpg

Well, I say! With Doom lurching 'round the next corner and Gloom raining down one's head, 'what to do?' is a question that begs an answer. Perhaps, like me, you are not the New Robespierre, blood-spattered hero of the Coming Revolution. Perhaps you've a stomach too delicate for rivers of innocent bloodshed as you march triumphant over the corpses of thousands, banners waving heroically, toward the New World Order. Perhaps, like me, you're just one of The Insignificant, history's humble unsung, hoping only to survive the coming conflagration with a little style, a little imagination — a little poise.

With the Humble Gentleperson in mind then, allow me to make the following recommendations for a Merry Little Apocalypse:

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  1. Throw an Apocalypse-themed Cocktail Party.  That's right. It is high time we stopped ranting on the internet, crawled out of our bomb shelters and threw an appropriately dramatic cocktail party for friends and neighbors. Consider doing so weekly. At some point, the world may very well end, you know. And what will refined persons be doing when the moment presents itself? Wailing in sackcloth and ashes in a ditch somewhere? Staring, goggle-eyed, at a monitor in a dark bunker? Er, no thank you. The end shall find us impeccably dressed, dropping bon mots and cocktail partying like it's 2999.

flamingabsinthe.jpg

 

Albert Trummer, mixologist and co-owner of Apotheke, gives the flaming absinthe show at his cocktail lounge. Caplin/Bloomberg.

 

 

Absinthe in Hell (a personal favorite)

2 oz absinthe herbal liqueur
1 tsp brown sugar
2 - 4 oz water

Pour 3/4 of a full shot of absinthe in a parfait glass. Put a brown sugar cube on a spoon with holes in it and rest it on the rim of the glass. Pour the remaining 1/4 of the shot of absinthe onto the brown sugar cube, light the brown sugar on fire (put the flame under the spoon). Let the flame burn for a minute while the brown sugar drips into the glass and caramelizes. Stir the caramelized sugar into the glass. Add the water to the glass, stir again and serve.

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2. Stop Leaning so Hard on the Panic Button, will you?  Look outside your window and consider the persons bickering and dickering and apocalypticizing on the village square: do you see any stylish people there? Of course you don't.

Sophisticated persons do not lean on panic buttons; the stylish strive to maintain poise, and do not take pleasure inciting excessive fear, anxiety and madness in the streets, thank you.

Besides, it upsets the kennel.

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   EyesWideShut.jpg

  Courtesy Eyes Wide Shut

3. Adopt a Mysterious Disguise.  When the End is the Trend, and hysterical mobs take to the streets in search of immediate recompense for the horrors of life, standing out in any way will not be a very good idea. Why, you ask? Because mobs are looking for scapegoats, Dear Reader. And before you can shout, "Power to the People!," you could find yourself swinging on a noose from the nearest tree.

To eliminate any mob-threatening individuality from your person, M. Chariot recommends cloaking oneself with the following, stylish disguises:

mask.jpg

 

Masks.  What says "I'm nobody" more clearly than a mask? Once masked, elegant persons may move unnoticed through torch-carrying throngs, effortlessly deflecting the murderous, civilization-destroying intentions of the agitated.

 

veils.jpgVeils.  Exhibit no personality whatsoever - with a veil! Gentlemen may consider the mysteriously cocked hat + high scarf combination. Or, if widespread intolerance, vengeance and rage indicate the complete fashio-nnihilation of your silhouette, consider the cape.

 

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Bacchanlia.jpg

Annibale Carracci's 16th century fresco depicts the marriage of Bacchus to Ariadne led by satyrs and woodland creatures in a mad frenzy.

4. Let The Dogs Out.  To stave off premature Apocalyptomania, be sure to enjoy regular and total self-destruction. The ancient Greeks reveled in a holiday called the Bacchanalia, in which participants would get ripped to the nips and roam the countryside like wild animals in a dangerous, murderous and orgiastic frenzy. This mad bit of wanton self-destructiveness served as an effective emotional counterbalance to the tensions inherent in a highly-developed and stringently demanding civilization.

Take a lesson from Greek history and shake things up in your own tightly-coiled life. Break free of the crushing expectations of modernity by occasionally marinating overnight in spirits and assorted pharmaceuticals, then kick your CEO in the nether regions and burn down your own house. In the nude, of course. Individual self-destructive acts such as this can be bracing; more satisfying than you imagine. But more importantly, letting it all go to hell occasionally diminishes the all-too-human tendency to bring on a full-scale Apocalypse in which an entire, glorious, centuries-old civilization is required to go up in flames to satisfy roiling, individual disappointments.

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5. When Others Say Holocaust, Think Comfort and Style.  Were you aware that the latest international "chatter" indicates a pending terrorist attack aimed directly at your living room settee, Delicate Reader? Say pshaw! No need to let total annihilation discourage one's weekly conversation parties!

Maximize your safety and comfort in a Shrapnel-Deflecting Snuggie, in fashionable Camouflage Green or Camouflage Mauve. The As Seen On TV Apocalypse Snuggie is made of super-soft fleece and a double layer of flak, plus roomy oversized sleeves that leave your hands free to defuse bombs while remaining cozy and warm. Machine washable. Imported.

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  Depression.jpg

6. Avoid Excessive Depression.  Bad form, I say. Can we muster a little poise, for once? Haven't we had an entire epoch's worth of depressing books, films, blogs, lifestyles and what have you? Let's leave "depression" to the Old Way of going about things, if you don't mind too terribly much. Without doubt, the Post-Apocalyptic World will necessitate a bit of vivacity, a devil-may-care, "que sera, sera" attitude. High spirits will be essential to digging oneself out of the rubble and starting anew once everything has gone to merde.

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   apocalypticlove.jpg

Courtesy OldPixels.com

7. Fall Madly and Passionately in Love.  What brings Love into sharper focus than Death and Destruction? This is your moment to have the romantic interlude you've always dreamt of: a rapture among the ruins.  Imagine: you and your lover writing sonnets, singing arias and kissing with abandon while bombs burst in air.

And there's a bonus: if you and your amour manage to survive the conflagration, you'll be responsible to populate the earth once again. What better way to ensure a marvelously perfect and benevolent new race, than by having it spring entirely from your own loins?

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  manners.jpg

 Courtesy OldPixels.com

8. Practice Impeccable Manners. Always recommended on this front, regardless of the occasion. 

 

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My dear M0nsieur Chariot ~ wonderful to see your post here this evening...post apocalypse! A very Happy New Year to you!
First - Been there, Done that, Monsieur! A good bon mot is hard to find, a bon ami is even harder, a low-cal bon bon is as scarce as truffle butter & a bon homie like you - a Delight!
Now remove my Personal Pic from your "Eyes Wide Shut" display immediately...I'll never share again! Okay, Happy New Year! R
It's so good to see you again!

Please let me extend an invitation to join the rest of us on Our Salon.

http://oursalon.net/ or http://oursalon.ning.com/
Droll, Monsieur...... Droll indeed!

ᴼᴥƪ
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Monsieur, long time no see. Glad to see you stop by, and I always enjoy your posts.

The apocalypse thing is very big these days. My wife enjoys watching science programs on TV, and recently it seems that most of them have some kind of apocalyptic bent. In recent weeks the Tube has informed me that the world will come to an end through a super volcano, an asteroid, a solar flare (that might only knock out electricity for a decade), a new disease, an ice age, a rogue black hole, a neutron star, a gamma ray burst, an invasion of space aliens, and that old-time favorite, nuclear war. All of those grim reapers are apparently standing in line, just waiting for a chance to "destroy civilization as we know it." And these are in addition to the more mundane disasters -- floods, earthquakes, economic collapse, starvation, and so on.

A fellow trying to survive the apocalypse hardly knows what to prepare for. I mean, a guy buys a shortwave radio in order to communicate with the few remaining pockets of humanity after disease wipes out 99 percent of us, only to discover that the radio is rendered useless from a solar flare. Or one builds an ark to prepare for the Great Flood, only to have the ark scorched by a super volcano.

Anyway, I find through the TV that I live within shouting distance of three active volcanoes, in an area that's likely to be destroyed by an earthquake in the near future. So if you don't hear from me again, it's probably because I'm buried under 600 feet of rubble and volcanic ash.
These are all fabulous suggestions for the refined, image-conscious, upper crust apocalyptic acolyte, but what about the rest of us working class schlepps? Although this is most certainly not the place to get it I'd appreciate a more low brow Dollar Store/Golden Corral/Hee Haw type of guide for enjoying the End Times. (I guess instead of perusing "Monsieur Chariot" I should be reading Ma Kettle.)
You class up the joint.
A classy apocalypse such as you, good sir, have described, is the only sort in which I'd like to be involved. Still, I'm rather glad that this year's predicted apocalypse did not occur, if only so that I could read you here again. Happy holidays, mon cher Monsieur, and I dearly hope to read more of you in the new year.
With apocalyptic climate change, the pictured snuggie would be far too warm here in tropical New England. Do they make them in a cotton voile, with a peplum perhaps?

What a delightful interlude you provided here. Of all that was OS, you are among my most missed. Happy New Year, mon ami.
Apocalypse? Happy New Year Everyone. Have a great and wonderful ahead.
happy love-making in 2013 monsieur chariot!
To my readers, friends and… er, detractors, I proffer warmest wishes for more elegant cocktail parties, less panicking, refuge from the bullying mobs, opportunities to come uncoiled, high spirits, romance… and impeccable manners in 2013!
this is the first time i was able to sign in in months, and i'm delighted i tried because you put this gem of a post up. reminded me of the lovely old days of OS, ripe with good writing and sarcasm and cleverness. i'm wishing you a happy new year, monsieur, while i wink at those bombs in your closing graphic.
Monsieur, i have just come upon this most refreshing tonic of yours.

It appears I have arrived most late, but I am happy to bring you the news that the world has not ended. I may be premature on that front as I have just had word that the pope resigned. He may know something the rest of us do not.

Now, with the Year of the Snake upon us, Mardi Gras pending, and then, sigh, Lent, with a solo Valentines Day therein, I shall rouse myself to do as you suggest and party hard.

Yours, most humbly,

Emily, Lady Mountbottom