“Hello, I’m Monte, and I’m an alcoholic. It has been 20 years since my last drink.”
On June 28, 2010 I celebrated 20 years of sobriety, one day at a time. I had forgotten the date until Sue came to me and put her arms around me and said, “Congratulations. Its your anniversary.” I dug into my billfold, and pulled out a faded old wallet card from Alcoholics Anonymous of St. Louis, signed by my beloved sponsor, Jim White. Sue was right. It has been 20 years.
Jim has since passed on and I have gotten old. Old and sober. Had I not gotten sober I have no doubt alcohol would have killed me long before now. I believe in miracles and my sobriety is a miracle.
Jim White was 70 years old and 26 years sober when he took me under his wing. So I figure that after 20 years of sobriety and at the age of 71 maybe it is time to tell my story to someone other than the friends gathered around the table at the AA meetings I have attended, and the many dear friends I have sponsored, mentored, counseled and loved who also share my addiction. It is time to share it with you.
And, with the grace of God, perhaps I might reach one or more drinkers who will find something in my story that will resonate with them, something that will tell them that their kind of drinking is far more than just an occasional social indulgence, and that will encourage them to find the strength to walk away from the closest friend they have ever known: alcohol.
I would like to set the stage for my story by talking about some of the fundamental habits of my alcoholism. There is nothing particularly unique about my alcoholism. These habits, along with a string of others I could mention, are generic and are exhibited by most alcoholics. They are the habits of addiction.
Without understanding some of the basic habits of the addictive personality it is not easy to see the "logic" that we who suffer from addiction see in our actions. That those actions are not "normal" does not occur to us until after we are "clean and sober."
I started drinking when I was 15. My home life was a mess. My mother had serious mental problems and was abusive. I was nine years older than the oldest of my four brothers and I was expected to help care for them, keep the house clean, go to school, and work a full time job, turning most of the money over to my mother. Beer took me away from all of that, if only for a few stolen hours late at night. Soon it was every night.
I never met a beer I didn’t like, and I never could have only one. In beginning I never drank anything but beer. My friends who were 18 could buy beer for me, but not liquor so it was the natural choice. In those early years I seldom had hangovers, even if I drank a couple of six packs.
Later, that would change. When I turned 21 and could buy liquor, beer stopped being the drink of choice and then came headaches, hangovers, and, toward the end, severe panic attacks and the fear of spending any time in public. It was stock up on booze, stay home and drink. Alcohol was closing in for the kill and I was an active party to my own destruction.
I didn’t notice it but very early on there were habits developing that I would carry with me for the entire time I would drink.
– Lying.
Lying is essential to the alcoholic. First you lie to yourself and tell yourself that you are not drinking too much, that you deserve to drink, and that you can stop any time you want to. Then you lie to everybody else. You say that you only had two drinks when the two drinks were six ounces of scotch each with a spritz of club soda, that you have not had a drink at all when you have been drinking vodka to cover the smell, that you are sick or tired or busy or sleepy or whatever other thing you can think of to cover your drinking.
The more and longer you drink the more you tell yourself that your lies are working, and the less they actually are. In the end you are the only one who thinks that nobody knows you are a drunk.
– Protecting the supply.
From the beginning you are hooked. It is my firm belief that no one slides into alcoholism. You are born with it. What can change is that you increase your drinking to the point where you finally realize that you have a problem, thus convincing yourself that you are “becoming” an alcoholic.
And one sure sign is that you notice how you protect the supply. If you are underage that comes naturally. It did for me because my mother would physically abuse me if she knew I drank. So I hid the supply with other boys who were older and allowed to drink. It was worth sharing a few beers with them to stash my booze with them. But mostly I needed them to buy the booze for me.
Later, as an adult I would squirrel away bottles of scotch, gin and vodka around the house, in the car, and, toward the end even at work. And if it looked like I would run out and could not get any more quickly I would literally have a panic attack. The solution to that was never to wonder whether it was normal to have a panic attack over not being able to buy liquor on Sunday. Rather it was to buy my scotch by the half gallon and stock several half gallons away from sight in the basement – my liquid savings account.
– Choosing the right friends
This is seldom at first a conscious thing. But the alcoholic will soon gravitate toward other drinkers. As time goes on you become aware how uncomfortable you are if you have to spend, say, an entire afternoon or evening with people who do not drink. You are nervous and feel trapped and you know that a couple of drinks would take the edge off. So you make excuses not to go back to their place or to functions where drinks are not served.
And, if you have to go to a place where there are no drinks served, you have three or four stiff drinks before you leave, preferably vodka, brush your teeth, use mouthwash, carry a breath spray and go. And be sure to leave early.
When I was in Washington, DC I made sure that I went to lunch with friends who had two or three drinks before eating, usually martinis, and I went to happy hour with those who had a few before going home. Those turned out to be the same people, and naturally became the ones that I spent time with on weekends, going to sporting events, parties, etc.
This, in turn, led to a justification for my own drinking: “Everybody in DC drinks. I don’t drink any more than they do.” Of course not. They were mirrors of me. So you choose the friends who share the same best friend you do: alcohol.
– Blaming your problem on something and/or someone else
When you come home at night you need a strong drink because your boss or your partner or someone with whom you interact with was a real jerk, had a stupid idea that involved you, did not like your brilliant idea, did not agree with your ideas or, in your mind, otherwise disrespected you.
And you needed a second one because your wife did not understand, or agree, or wanted you to do something you did not want to do. And two drinks were not enough to take off that edge so a third made sense, then a fourth.
When you went to a party or a reception you made sure you chose a party with an open bar. If you just went to a bar to drink with your buddies everybody was drinking and they kept telling you to have “just one more” before you leave.So how could you leave? You can’t disappoint them; after all they are your friends.
– Proving to yourself that you are not what you know you are
You don’t have to drink and you can prove it. You can stop any time you want to. And you can and you do – for a few days or a week. You can’t be an alcoholic because you have proven the old saying, “Sure, I can stop drinking. I’ve done it a hundred times.” To others it’s a joke. To you it’s proof.
If, through the fog that you don’t know you are in, you realize you are drinking too much you go through elaborate ruses to prove to yourself you don’t drink too much. “I won’t drink before I get off work.” Later, “I won’t drink before noon.” Or, I will only have three drinks.” But, you don’t say how much scotch you put in each drink. So you say, “I will only have 4 jiggers tonight”, and then you choose the biggest jigger you own. Or you say, “I will only drink beer, “ or “I will only drink wine.”
These tactics will work for a few days and you will “prove” you don’t drink too much. That lasts until some major stress comes along and you decide to have as much as you need to take the edge off, to avoid the stress, the pain, the disappointment. Then, when you finally mellow out you are drunk, and you are the last person on the planet to know that. The truth is there is always a good reason to have the next drink.
Most active alcoholics have never heard the old Japanese saying, “First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.” And if they do hear it they won’t believe it has anything to do with them. They won’t understand that until they hit bottom. And that can take 35 years. I know.
To be continued.
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Comments
Excellent Monte. You made the right decision long ago and now is a great time to celebrate it with this wonderful post to wake up some others.
You're my idea of a mensch.
rated
Secondly, I love the brazen honesty of this. It seems to me that one crucial element is always the first step toward recovery.
I've seen a lot of people battle a lot of chemicals. It has claimed some while others have struggled and beaten those demons.
Just be glad you don't live down here. Alcohol is a LARGE part of the culture in Mobile. I've seen baby showers with open bars.
I look forward to Part 2...
Rated.
As I read this, I sit here in tears, as I am married to the man you were and it is a horrible life to live.
I am so happy you are free from it...
Lezlie
I have had the privilege of a long standing friendship with a man who has nearly thirty years sobriety now. In addition, he and I have shared Sunday morning breakfasts together with another dear friend who, like my friend and I, worked in the treatment field. I have know them both for over 15 years. We have been meeting for breakfast for over five. And, we have talked often about people we have known who have died, hit bottom, relapsed. We know what the tragic effects of alcoholism can do to both individuals and their families.
So, I celebrate with you! Sobriety is, indeed, a miracle. I have come to believe it is nothing less that both a spiritual awakening and spiritual transformation.
Congratulations! If I had a twenty-year AA chip, I would definitely give it to you.
Blessings,
Monte
"how much better/smarter,etc"
you were on booze....
the devil's reward for our folly...
our own personal confrontation with the Old Accuser/tempter
on a still empty desert night
when kingdoms are up for grabs
if we just...relent...
My partner is 10 years clean and sober next month and I know that it is never something he takes for granted. Like you, he serves as a "witness" whenever possible in the hopes that he can encourage others to find their way to recovery.
Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines "sobriety" as: "the quality or state of being sober." Reverend Canfield finds himself in good association.
Condemnations of alcohol and drunkenness can be found throughout the Bible. The ancient Hebrews regarded alcohol as both a blessing and a curse. God was praised because "He causes the grass to grow for the cattle and fruits and vegetables for man to cultivate that he may bring forth food from the earth. Wine to gladden the heart of man..." (Psalm 104:14-15)
On the other hand, alcohol was also an instrument of God's displeasure: "Thou hast made Thy people suffer hard things; Thou hast given us wine to drink that made us reel." (Psalm 60:3)
Wine was permitted for medicinal use. (Proverbs 31:6-7; I Timothy 5:23). At no place in the Bible is alcohol (or any other drug) explicitly forbidden. Drunkenness, or the excesses of alcohol (and presumably all other drugs) is condemned, but not the drug itself.
Complete abstinence from intoxication, however, was considered a sign of holiness. God commanded His priests to be holy and pure before worship. "Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou nor thy sons with thee, when you go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die: it shall be a perpetual statute for ever throughout your generations." (Leviticus 10:9)
God also established the order of the Nazarites. The Nazarites distinguished themselves by never allowing a razor to touch their head, abstaining from alcohol, and by their piety before God. "When either a man or woman shall separate themselves to vow a vow of a Nazarite....he shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes..." (Numbers 6:1-21)
Wine drinking was equated with sexual immorality and worshiping other gods: "Go, ye, love...an adulteress, according to the love of the Lord toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine." (Hosea 3:1) "Whoredom and wine and new wine take away the heart." (Hosea 4:11)
It appears that wine was never intended for kings or political leaders, because of its intoxicating effects. (Proverbs 31:4-5) Excesses of alcohol amongst religious leaders were also denounced in biblical times: "the priest and the prophet reel with strong drink, they are confused with wine, they stagger with strong drink; they err in vision, they stumble in giving judgment." (Isaiah 28:7)
According to Reverend Alvin Hart, an Episcopalian priest in New York, the drinking of wine was frowned upon in biblical times. "Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging; and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise." (Proverbs 20:1) Intoxicating beverages were known to be habit-forming (Proverbs 23:35), resulting in violence (Proverbs 4:17) and distracting their imbibers from God (Amos 6:6).
The Bible says, "...wine is treacherous; the arrogant man shall not abide... woe unto him that giveth his neighbor drink." (Habbakuk 2:5,15) And: "Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaining? Who has wounds without course? Who has redness of eyes? Those who tarry long over wine, those who try mixed wine. Do not look at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup and goes down smoothly. At the last it bites like a serpent, and stings like an adder." (Proverbs 23:29-32)
John the Baptist never touched alcohol. Jesus told the multitudes: "John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine..." (Luke 7:33) Jesus warned his disciples: "Be on your guard," he warned, "so that your hearts are not overloaded with carousing, drunkenness, and worldly cares...be vigilant and pray unceasingly." (Luke 21:34-36) Referring to Proverbs 23:20, Jesus condemned one who "eats and drinks with the drunken." (Matthew 24:49; Luke 12:45)
Peter linked alcoholic excesses to the gentile practices of idolatry and sexual immorality. "For we have spent enough of our past in doing the will of the gentiles—when we walked in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties and abominable idolatries." (I Peter 4:3)
Paul did not forbid wine. Instead, he advocated moderation. Wine is to be enjoyed sparingly, if at all.
"A bishop then, must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous." (I Timothy 3:2-3)
"Likewise, deacons must be reverent, not double-tongued, not given to much wine, not greedy for money." (I Timothy 3:2-3,8) For a bishop must be blameless, as a steward of God, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but hospitable, a lover of what is good, sober-minded, just, holy, self-controlled." (Titus 1:7-8)
"It was divinely proclaimed," insisted the early church father Tertullian when advocating vegetarianism, "'Wine and strong liquor shall you not drink, you and your sons after you.' Now this prohibition of drink is essentially connected with the vegetable diet. Thus, where abstinence from wine is required by the Deity, or is vowed by man, there, too, may be understood suppression of gross feeding, for as is the eating, so is the drinking.
"It is not consistent with truth that a man should sacrifice half of his stomach only to God--that he should be sober in drinking, but intemperate in eating. Your belly is your God, your liver is your temple, your paunch is your altar, the cook is your priest, and the fat steam is your Holy Spirit; the seasonings and the sauces are your chrisms, and your belchings are your prophesizing..."
St. Basil (AD 320-79) taught, "The steam of meat darkens the light of the spirit. One can hardly have virtue if one enjoys meat meals and feasts...In the earthly paradise, there was no wine, no one sacrificed animals, and no one ate meat. Wine was only invented after the Deluge...
"With simple living, well being increases in the household, animals are in safety, there is no shedding of blood, nor putting animals to death. The knife of the cook is needless, for the table is spread only with the fruits that nature gives, and with them they are content."
St. Jerome (AD 340-420) wrote to a monk in Milan who had abandoned vegetarianism:
"As to the argument that in God's second blessing (Genesis 9:3) permission was given to eat flesh--a permission not given in the first blessing (Genesis 1:29)--let him know that just as permission to put away a wife was, according to the words of the Saviour, not given from the beginning, but was granted to the human race by Moses because of the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19:1-12), so also in like manner the eating of flesh was unknown until the Flood, but after the Flood, just as quails were given to the people when they murmured in the desert, so have sinews and the offensiveness been given to our teeth.
"The Apostle, writing to the Ephesians, teaches us that God had purposed that in the fullness of time he would restore all things, and would draw to their beginning, even to Christ Jesus, all things that are in heaven or that are on earth. Whence also, the Saviour Himself in the Apocalypse of John says, 'I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.' From the beginning of human nature, we neither fed upon flesh nor did we put away our wives, nor were our foreskins taken away from us for a sign. We kept on this course until we arrived at the Flood.
"But after the Flood, together with the giving of the Law, which no man could fulfill, the eating of flesh was brought in, and the putting away of wives was conceded to hardness of heart...But now that Christ has come in the end of time, and has turned back Omega to Alpha...neither is it permitted to us to put away our wives, nor are we circumcised, nor do we eat flesh."
St. Jerome was responsible for the Vulgate, or Latin version of the Bible, still in use today. He felt a vegetarian diet was best for those devoted to the pursuit of wisdom. He once wrote that he was not a follower of Pythagoras or Empodocles "who do not eat any living creature," but concluded, "And so I too say to you: if you wish to be perfect, it is good not to drink wine and eat flesh."
"Thanks be to God!" wrote John Wesley, founder of Methodism, to the Bishop of London in 1747. "Since the time I gave up the use of flesh-meats and wine, I have been delivered from all physical ills." Wesley was a vegetarian for spiritual reasons as well. He based his vegetarianism on the Biblical prophecies concerning the Kingdom of Peace, where "on the new earth, no creature will kill, or hurt, or give pain to any other." He further taught that animals "shall receive an ample amends for all their present sufferings."
Wesley's teachings placed an emphasis on inner religion and the effect of the Holy Spirit upon the consciousness of such followers. Wesley taught that animals will attain heaven: in the "general deliverance" from the evils of this world, animals would be given "vigor, strength and swiftness...to a far higher degree than they ever enjoyed."
Wesley urged parents to educate their children about compassion towards animals. He wrote: "I am persuaded you are not insensible of the pain given to every Christian, every humane heart, by those savage diversions, bull-baiting, cock-fighting, horse-racing, and hunting."
The Bible Christian Church was a 19th century movement teaching vegetarianism, abstinence from wine, and compassion for animals. The church began in England in 1800, requiring all its members to take vows of abstinence from meat and wine. One of its first converts, William Metcalfe (1788-1862), immigrated to Philadelphia in 1817 with forty-one followers to establish a church in America. Metcalfe cited numerous biblical references to support his thesis that humans were meant to follow a vegetarian diet for reasons of health and compassion for animals.
Again, Reverend Canfield is part of an illustrious group of people.
I fear the Xanax I now take from time to time for anxiety and now panic attacks. Every time I break one in half and put it in my mouth I tell myself this is just a different form of Valium, it's just liquor without a bottle. I talk about it to those around me, I can't keep it a secret or it will take me because it takes away my pain and fear.
Thank you for saying this, maybe we can't save people with other diseases but we can save people with alcoholism and addiction. I pray your post will save lives and families, maybe someone will be free from this pain. No need to comment, I'm grateful to see what you've written.
Great post and the series is important.
MAWB: yes, a beautiful world. Worth seeing it clearly, for sure.
Thanks, Mission. I too hope it wakes up even just one.
Shiral: in the early years of sobriety I wondered, often daily, if I could make it.
Chuck: I just hope I can tell the story with utter honesty and we will see.
Hard Truths: I read your wrenching story about this past weekend. Tough love is the hardest. But it is the only kind an addict has a chance of understanding. You did the right thing. I hope the resentment will dissolve over time, but I understand it.
Thanks, Zuma. Your reading my writing is always a joy to me.
Jali: yes, I do. But it has less to do with drinking and more to do with what we are familiar with. We tend to dance with the devil we know. We know it is a devil, but it is familiar and we think that we know how to handle it. We don’t.
Hi, Anne: I appreciate your comments and we can pray that my honesty will reach out to others who might not believe that they can whip this thing. You never are “cured” but you can go into remission “one day at a time.” In my case it started with “one hour at a time,” and even less than that.
Kevin: One of the first things I had to learn in AA was to change my playmates and my playpens. I have been to Mobile several times since and have not been tempted. I was drunk in Mobile once before I got sober, but I don’t go to those kinds of places any more.
Thanks, Bonnie. Much appreciated.
Sheila: There were many times I did not think I would make it another day. And I still do it one day at a time, but I seldom think about drinking any more.
Walter: you embarrass me with your kind words. Thank you.
Scanner: Five years is nothing to sneeze at. Good on you. Keep it up, one step at a time, and be as grateful in the future as I you are now. Just remember that there is no such think as a moderate, still drinking alcoholic, although I know that some people are claiming it is possible, I have never seen it work in the long run, and I have worked with hundreds of alcoholics.
Lunchlady: I know those tears. Sue shed them for many years. It is the thing I am most ashamed of about my drinking. She was and is the love of my life and for too many years I loved booze more but could not see it.
Roger: 16 months must seem like a lifetime! The early years are the hardest. I am VERY proud of you!
Lezlie: You hit the nail on the head. I am sorry that you have had to be subjected to its effects all these years and I admire your strength. Better you stay away from those adverse effects as much as possible. I know it is not easy but it is best for you and you come first.
Thanks, ConnieMack. Much appreciated.
Trudge, old friend, 20 years or 50 years would be a dangerous time. 22 years for you is great! Congrats! One day at a time still, right? We are only “recovering,” not “recovered.”
RA: I am glad that you have first hand knowledge of successful recovering alcoholics. Working in the treatment field is not easy, but it can be very rewarding if you realize that so many do not make it. You just have to be glad that some that you work with do, and that is a great blessing, to them and to you. Your comments are kind and from the heart.
Hells Bells, Yes. I believe we all have to hit what WE believe is our bottom. Not all are the same. Some are literally in a gutter and living in a packing crate, others are before all loves, friendships and possessions are lost. But we must believe that what we are throwing away is worth more than what we are getting before we will quit, and it has to come from us, not because we do it for someone else, but that we do it for ourselves. We must believe we can love ourselves before we can actually love anyone else.
James: we know this demon, don’t we? He comes in many guises but always he comes. But he is not God and he can be beaten back. Courage and patience are a must. And, as you know I believe, no small amount of help from above.
Nerd cred: It is hard to watch people destroy themselves. I am glad that some in your family have kicked the beast, and I will surely pray for your daughter. I am glad she is doing well.
Gabby Abby: I am glad to hear your son is coming around. You have a right to be happy about that. It might take a bit longer for an alcoholic to act on his impulses when he has social pressures applied to him. In my case I just changed the social setting, though, so I would associate with those who did not condemn. Then, later, when I knew people were not happy with my drinking I really didn’t care.
Maria: I will discuss that “rock” I hit a bit later on. I have a long downward slide to discuss first. I had not thought about how many days 20 years is, and I should since “one day at a time” is a sacred mantra of mine. Thank you for pointing the number out.
AKA: much appreciated.
And to you too, Tim, thank you.
Cartouche: Your comments are greatly appreciated, as is your continuing friendship. I will do my best to connect, if only to one. That would truly be worth the effort.
Karin, dear friend, thank you so much. There was a time, I am afraid, when I had little strength and my character was suspect. I am glad that those days are long past me. And I pray that I will be able to be my true self for the remainder of my days.
Susan: I hope that in the course of telling “my” story I can make it clear what you already know: that many, many more suffer the blows of alcoholism than just the alcoholic. The destruction touches pretty much all he loves. I am very happy for your partner and pray that he stays clean and sober, for you as well as for him.
Thank you, Smithery. I will continue to try to convey what really happened to me. It is hardly unique and will hopefully serve as a lesson for some.
Sandra, thank you. Almost, is infinitely better than succumbing to that siren song, as you so rightly put it. She sings on the shoals and rocks……
Patricia: it is VERY hard not to be an enabler to one you love. Sue found out that it does not work, but it took her a long, long time to stop. When she did it was a major turning point in my road to sobriety.
Vasu Murti: Congratulations on being clean and sober since 1991. I am impressed with the research you did and all the quotes and citations you offer in your comment. I pray that you will be blessed with continued health and that you will continue to encourage others to choose a path that leads away from destruction and toward wholeness and godliness.
Thank you, Juli. I always feel good when you drop buy and lend your support to my efforts.
Brianna: You are at a major crossroads in your life and that of your children, and, of course, your husband. But your well being and the children’s well being come first. You are doing the right thing although I know how very hard that is to do. Tough love is so tough on the one who must exercise it. My advice would be to get yourself off to Alanon meetings and get some support from others who have already gone through what you are going through. He should go to AA because AA will never come to him. Unless he is willing to go to AA or to rehab he is, based on my experience, only testing you and fooling himself. You MUST stick to your guns. It may not work, but what you have been living through has not worked either. Of course I will pray for you, your family and your husband. But, bottom line, it is up to him. Send me a PM if you wish to and let me know how it goes, and if you need to talk to me some more. I am here for you.
Emma: thank you! Good to have you here, my friend.
Trilogy: I appreciate your support.
l'Heure Bleue: Your life has been no picnic. It can hurt and destroy those on the receiving end of the alcoholic’s problems as much as it hurts the alcoholic. I know. Keep up the good fight. As to the Xanax it is probably good to fear it. Not too much though. If you are using it from time to time as you say the odds are that it will not become addictive. It is fast acting and clears the blood stream rapidly which is probably why your doctor prescribed it in the first place. I take a moderately fast clearing relative of Xanax, lorazapam, occasionally and have for years and I have never come close to getting hooked. Although, like you, I fear it and use it only when I really think I have no choice. I also have to take pain meds which can be addicting, for my severe and incurable medical condition, but there is no sign of that. I am, however, acutely aware, as is my doctor, that I have been addicted to alcohol so we both monitor it very carefully. I also have had severe panic attacks and know how debilitating and frightening they can be, so be honest with yourself, your loved ones and your doctor and take the Xanax when you really need it. I think you will be OK with that kind of safety net. And God bless you. I know how it feels having been there myself.
Ame i: I have never been a binge drinker, probably because I was drinking all the time, always on a binge. But I know many alcoholics who are or were binge drinkers and it can be the hardest to break, since you can always tell yourself that you can stop and you have a long track record of stopping for long periods of time. I do hope you can stop altogether, forever. You know this, but it bears repeating, using your own words, “there was nothing wrong with how I felt before I had that drink.” Exactly. You know the answer. Bless you.
==============================================================
I am going to cut off replies to comments for the night. I will get to the rest of my replies tomorrow afternoon. I am overwhelmed by the response to this post and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I hope my answers to those who asked questions or raised problems will be helpful to you. Please feel free to send me a PM if you need to discuss these issues personally or in more depth.
Bless you all.
Monte
One of my closest friends ... just slightly older than you ... has been recovering for many, many years, and is active in supporting AA, as well as a state operated rehab facility. His wife is a recovering drug addict, also sober for many, many years. They helped me with a mutual friend many years ago .. whose struggle went on for years ... but who is now sober. Like you, all three were and are great people. Overcoming their diseases allowed them to fulfill their greatness. I have no doubt someone who reads this will also find that path. Thanks for sharing! You are a hell of a guy! {{{R}}}
Bill W. (no foolin')
This is a compelling article--candid and to the point.
Thanks so much for being the guy you are and sharing yourself so that others will understand themselves.
It's called Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason. Should you eventually drink again and show up in the obits, there are those naysayers who will revel in the conclusion that AA doesn't work. And some practicing drunk who really needs a program like ours can say to himself, "How can it help me? Monte was sober 20 years and alcohol still killed him."
So, let me refresh you on AA's eleventh tradition:
Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.
Stymie (a pseudonym)
Now I know why I used to drink Canfield's ginger ale.lol
This past May 1 I had 27 years C&S.
It gets easier as it just becomes who we are and our lifestyles ease into that sober life.
I don't need to go into all the details however, getting C&S totally changed my life for the wayyyyy better.
It's ok to allow color back into your knuckles.lol
My story reads this way:
What it was like, what happened, what happened, what happened and what it's like now.
Now I too am sober and old, which of course beats twenty-one and gone.
Hey, Gary, good to have you here and commenting. I am pretty sure emotional development of alcoholics is arrested, but, unfortunately, that is a pretty common situation for almost everybody. I have seen it in me, particularly in my early years when I was chaffing to get out from under my mother’s lash.
Denise K: what a wonderful ritual and tradition you and your son have! I am sure you are proud of him. I am too. I hope that he stays involved in the recovery community, because choosing who you identify with and who you choose to reach out to can make all the difference in the world.
Christine: And I salute your Mom. You must be very proud of her. I have seen to many situations go the other way.
LuluandPhoebe: many thanks to you for reading my work and supporting my efforts here.
Grif: coming from you that means more to me than you know. Blessings, my friend.
Natalie: thank you. It certainly is good to know that my life is free of booze.
Padraig, good friend, thank you for reading. I pray you and yours are well. I think of you often but don’t stay in touch with your work like I should. I will try to rectify that now that I am back writing and reading online again.
Kim: I am just glad that what I am writing on this topic resonates with you. Blessings.
Thank you, Mike. I am not sure I would have “had the guts” when I first got to OS, but the exposure of my weaknesses is, I am now convinced, one way to reach others with the compassion God has shown to me. I was shocked by the EP and cover. It has been almost a year since my last. I don’t write for those things, as you know, and it always surprises me if I get a rare one.
Hi, Mary. I am glad you decided to quit and it is never easy. Social pressure to continue is always so hard. But I found that club soda and a slice of lime looks a lot like a G&T and ginger ale looks a lot like scotch and soda. And so it goes. I appreciate your kind comments and your continued support of my “niche” writing.
Rod: your comments are very humbling for me. Thank you. I know that we all have our crosses to bear and that your life has been no picnic. I have the highest respect and admiration for you. Blessings. Your friend and his wife sound like remarkable people and I am happy for them.
Hi, Kenneth: we have a lot in common. I quit when I was 50. It took me 35 year to figure it out, to “own” my own problem. I too always drank more at home, particularly in the last 15 years or so. People after a while seemed a bother. My best friend was the bottle of scotch in the kitchen.
Bill W. Well, now that is a name that you share with someone I know. I am sure you get some ribbing about that, but I think it is great. Yes, we all are so much alike, but while we are drinking we think that we are totally unique, clever, smart, wise and just a step ahead, until toward the end when we realize we are a sham, fooling ourselves first of all.
O’Stephanie: thanks for dropping by and for your kind words. I am also getting some private messages that indicate that people are listening. What a blessing that is.
Julien: thank you for reading. I am glad it is something you needed to hear.
Hello, Stymie. Perhaps I have not been clear. This series is not about Alcoholics Anonymous. It is about me. My alcoholism and my continuing recovery, and about my relationship to other alcoholics. I went to AA for the first 3.5 years of my recovery. I went to at least six or seven hundred meetings in that time. AA gave me my start, but other support systems, mainly my faith, my wife, and recovering friends who were there for me helped me to continue to recover. I have not been to an AA meeting in a decade and a half, and do not now consider myself a member. I DO NOT RECOMMEND MY WAY OF RECOVERY TO ANYONE. If AA is working for someone I urge then to stick with it forever. I still practice the principles I learned in AA and I recommend AA and/or rehab to everyone I counsel. So, should I drink again I would never blame it on AA. I am grateful for the time in AA, was humbled by the experience, and thankful that it worked for me. The success rate is not high, the odds are long. That I have never yet slipped I see as a grace from God that I do not understand, but for which I am eternally thankful. And I still take life one day at a time, including my sobriety.
Hey, Jim: I have heard that about the 21st year too. I am sure you are right. Then again, as you know, tomorrow is a tough day too. Blessings, friend.
XJS AND ME: Canfield’s ginger ale. Are you from Chi-town? I think it is still sold up around there, isn’t it? When we lived in Ottawa, Il. I used to buy Canfield’s soda, but haven’t been up that way in a long time. I wish I had stuck with soda pop all along! Your being 27 years clean and sober is just so wonderful I hardly know how to compliment you! I share your belief that sobriety does become part of who we are. Had you asked me whether that was true 30 years ago I would have thought you were out of your mind. I could not conceive of life without scotch.
Bob: Whether it takes 23 years or more or less it is always hard. But it was worth it and you are living proof of that. I really resonate with your comment. Thank you.
Sagamorejohn, The decision to publish this series had nothing to do with the AA Traditions. I am not a current member of AA and have not been one for over 16 years. I respect AA and support it, both by referring people I counsel to it and by practicing its steps in my life. I have never once told another soul whether or not I knew that any particular person was in AA. Nor will I ever do so. The issue of this series of posts is whether or not telling my story might help others. No one has to believe that but it is true.
I decided to write the series recognizing that some people will ignore it or reject it, some will find it interesting, and, God willing, some might resonate with it enough to make a decision to do something about their drinking. My body of work here stands on its own merits. All of it is primarily niche writing intended to appeal to small segments of readers: Theology (faith, spirituality, religion, Bible study), memoirs (including this series and about my parents, my life, and my motorcycling experiences), some politics now and then if I feel strongly about an issue, motorcycling (riding, touring, racing), musical tributes, and rarely, fiction.
Congratulations on your 20 years. It takes a lot of hard work to get there.
Monte
Congrats to you, and thank you!
madhuri, thanks for your kind comments. 18 years is a wonderful accomplishment!
Congrats!
Thanks, Pilgrim. Good to hear from you. I will dig into OS for a while now and please let me know if there are any posts that you put up while I was gone in June that you would like me to take a peek at.
Monte
mmahoney: I have explained my reason for this series twice, above. I have nothing more to say on the subject. Your opinion is one point of view. My readers can decide for themselves.
Flora: congratulations as you come up on your fifth year. Those early years are hard and you have my compliments. I pray you will continue to maintain your sobriety one day at a time.
Monte
xoxo
d
This is so honest, so brave and so powerful. Thank you for sharing this.
Faith
For those who are questioning any exploitation angles - as a reader who has the good fortune to actually be unfamiliar with alcoholism on a personal level, I'm going to say that Monte is doing those like myself a very generous service.
I know AA and programs from nothing - and what I'm reading here has nothing to do with AA, what I'm reading here is one man's experience with a thing that I do not know, but know affects many and so it is an enlightenment for me.
I can not imagine that I'm alone.
Rated for generous courage.
Denese: I am not anti-drinking. I am sure you know that if I could have a glass of wine and then stop I would. But I can’t. I am glad that you can enjoy wine.
Thanks, Faith. I appreciate your reading and commenting.
Monte
I don't know how many people follow the AA 12 step "party line," commenters or otherwise. I know that process worked for me and got me on the right track. I stopped being directly involved with AA after about 3.5 years and relied later on a support system of faith, my wife and friends who shared my problem. In my case my faith was the crucial factor, and still is. That will not work for everybody, just as your way of quitting won't work for everybody, as you know. For me, what matters is that we quit and stay sober. The method that I have seen work the best is AA. But obviously it is not the only way.
Congratulations on your success. It is not easy to stay off the booze, no matter what system, or no system, is used and I pray you continue in your sobriety.
Monte
Congratulations on twenty years!
Oh, and I did notice that while there are those who say pot isn't addictive, every bold headline and story also fits with plenty of marijuana smokers I've known over the years...it's all in the addictive personality isn't it?
Just Thinking: I think the personality has a lot to do with it. Whatever I do I tend to do with a great passion, often to the point of what others would call an obsession. I also think there are two aspects to addiction: physical and psychological. There have been many studies that show that alcohol, like nicotine and many drugs, has a physically addictive component. When you combine that with psychological addiction it can be a deadly combination. I also think that it is the physical component that hooks the alcoholic, reinforced by the psychological need that develops simultaneously. Having smoked MJ only once and not liking it at all I really know nothing about it and whether or not it is addictive.
Thanks for sharing your ideas.
Monte
Look forward to more...
I started with alcohol in a most circular fashion myself. I was big enough and smart enough that my father allowed me to leave school and join him as an 18 year old erecting structural steel,when I was really only 13. I remained the sarsparilla drinker - down the pub at lunchtime, until I was fifteen and I was separated from my dad by overlapping contracts on a power plant in the outback Australian desert. By now I was supposed to be twenty so when I went into the wet-mess that first night my dad was gone I drank twelve single Bacardi and cokes and six doubles (I counted them like the big kid I was.).
On the way out of the wet-mess I bought and ate a roasted chicken like Henry the VIII might have. I regurgitated the chicken while having a cold shower (that I could hardly feel) and passes out naked with more vomitting on a grass patch next to the road. My workmates saw me passed-out on the way to work in the tropical sun and just laughed... nothing new here, move along. When I woke at around 11 am I had second degree burns from the sun to 60% of my body - I spent three days in the hospital recovering. I became a very moderate drinker after that and my dad was fine with it because he WAS an alcoholic.. To this day the smell of Bacardi makes me want to throw-up, though I'll share a beer, or a glass or two of wine, around New Years Eve.
Years later I would stop drinking altogether when I found that I could stop smoking pot more easily than stopping the drink, which was socially addictive too if you knew an alcoholic... Marijuana is another drug that can become a psychologically dependent substance, just not with the most harsh elements of alcohol dependency... America should do something about this Monte, petty drug offenses used as an excuse to enslave poor Americans in the prison industrial complex, for profit, is a damning indictment of a nation with very bad standrads of morality... Insurrection and revolution are always the end result, apathy can only be spread so wide.
Morganna, thank you. Your comments are very kind.
Bill: thank you for sharing your own experiences with this particular devil. It helps when we can share our experiences with others. Sometimes we think that we are somehow unique or alone in our troubles only to find out that we are but one of many who have stumbled down a particularly dark path toward our own destruction. Knowing that others have already come this way and found a way out can help us find the courage to do it ourselves. I will be sending you a PM. Take care, friend.
Over and out....
Congratulations on your 20 years...though you know how wonderful it is firsthand.
this is the textbook behavior of a dear family member...thanks so much for sharing and for helping me understand him (and you) better
Monte
I have a family full of mental illness, and I have seen some similarities to alchoholism. No one wants to admit that they or a loved one is "crazy." and the denial just makes it all get worse and worse. Sometimes it is necessary to set limits on a mentally ill person who will not get help.
Monte