[I should have posted this Monday May 3 but I was exhausted from the Doula workshop! This picture and the picture from last week were postcards on the wall in the bathroom where I took the Doula training class. ]

So on April 29 I went into the fertility doctor's office for my 8:30AM appointment. My sweetie could not be with me as she had been working crazy hours and got in around 3AM the night before, so I let her sleep.

I was kind of tired myself. I got ready to leave the house and almost forgot the tank-o'-sperm. I don't know how I missed it, as it was huge and vaguely menacing and sitting in the middle of the living room. In any case, I hate lugging the giant container around, so I grabbed a small cooler and extracting the vials of sperm carefully from their dry ice fog. I couldn't find the insulated envelope I used last time I did this, so I just quickly grabbed the nearest soft items I could find to pad the vials - a kitchen towel and a green pillowcase - and ran out the door. Traffic traffic traffic and I got to the appointment 10 minutes late.

There is a new nurse who works at my doctor's office - she's a bit nervous and uptight and tends to get on my nerves. When I walked in she said, "Do you need to use the little girl's room?" I just said "Ok," but what I was thinking was, "I'm thirty-something years old. I don't need to use the little girl's room - I'm trying to HAVE a little girl. (Or boy.) " I took a breath and tried to let it go. Then she came into the exam room, gingerly opened my cooler, peered inside and said, "Is this how the sperm bank gave it to you?" I'm thinking, "Yes, that's right, the sperm bank gave me my sperm in a picnic cooler with a kitchen towel and a pillowcase. Isn't that standard issue?" Instead I said, "No, I didn't want to carry the giant tank in, so I took it out at home.

To clarify, the sperm bank I use is very gay-friendly, so their instructions are tailored to recipients who are injecting themselves at home (with needle-less syringes, which they are kind enough to supply.) To that end, the instructions I was given told me to take the vials out about 20 minutes to a half hour before use, so they could warm up to room temperature. Probably not the appropriate instructions for an IUI, but I went with it.

Anyway, the nurse went and got my doctor who sternly lectured me on how I should not do this as it could cause the sperm to defrost improperly and negate the sperm bank motility guarantee. I explained how the instructions were confusing and we eventually cleared it up, but being lectured at did nothing to relax me, so we didn't get off to a very good start.

The ultrasound was fine, the residual cyst had stayed small. There were 2-3 smaller follicles on the left, but they were not quite ready, and in any case were on my bad side, so didn't have much of a chance.But there was one follicle on the right in perfect condition - looking just a little bubbly around the edges as it was about to rupture and release one egg. I had a good feeling about that follicle and said, "Hello, baby!" to the image on the ultrasound machine. That sort of thing is supposed to help.

Similarly, as we began the IUI (with my, as it happens, perfectly thawed sperm) my doctor suggested that I relax and visualize cute babies while the sperm flowed into my uterus. Having Nurse Nervous in the room was a little distracting to begin with (a little like being naked in a room with a younger Laura Bush - which is not a fantasy that works for me) but then when she began to suggest her version of happy conception thoughts, it got a little silly. "Think of babies... How they smell... and all the diapers..." I kind of waved my hand in an attempt to discourage her and said, "I'm good..."

My doctor said "Think of how cute they are," and I said, "What, the sperm?" She said, "You can be a comedienne next life. This life you will be a mom." She also mentioned my uterus was being very relaxed and receptive. (So that's good, even if the rest of me wasn't!)

Then the nurse added, "You will be a mom... and that doesn't end when they are 18! It's forever!" But she said it in that, "My kids STILL haven't left home kind of way..."

Really, I didn't want her there at all. But I wanted to go ahead with the IUI and didn't want to hold anything up, and I kept reminding myself, "It doesn't have to be perfect." Sure it's nice when I'm all perfectly relaxed and my sweetie is able to be there with me and we each hold a vial of sperm and warm it with our hands and breath and say happy things first, and she holds my hand while the doctor injects me. But it doesn't matter - if I get pregnant on the day I showed up with the dishrag and the pillow case and the doctor yelled at me in front of Laura Bush... then that's how it was meant to be.

I spent the next three days in the Birth Doula training class watching amazing birth videos (water births, home births, etc.) and being surrounded by women who are as hooked on birth and babies as I am. It was awesome and filled my brain to the brim with information I am still processing. I can't wait to start attending births and supporting pregnant women. I felt like just being in the room was the perfect relaxed and nurturing vibe to support conception - it would be a lucky baby who gets born into the Doula community, and I would have so much support from fellow Doulas.

So... whatever happens next, I am loving the path I am on.