(Disclaimer: Prepare to be offended.) 

Dear Biggie,

Help! I'm stuck in a jam. A few years ago I dated a girl who cheated on me. Not only that, but she did it with my best friend Dwayne. Last month, I ran into her younger sister at a restaurant, and we really hit it off. Since then, we've been out a couple times. The problem is that my ex keeps telling her sister all these lies about me. What should I do? Do I confront her?

Sincerely,

Set-Up in Staten Island

Dear Set-Up,

Listen, she's saying you dissed her because you're fucking her sister. (A message to the fellas, that really gets 'em pissed.) Uh. But she started that fuckin family! I'd be all like, you fucked my man D, so why you mad at me?
Plus it sounds like her sister look better than her, give head better than her, pussy get wetter than her. So tell that bitch to break the fuck out like a rash. I hope you didn't  spend no cash to hit that nasty ass.

Dear Biggie,

I'm just a regular dude, not a rap star or a heart throb like you. But do you have any advice on how a guy like me can land a lady? Any secrets?

Help me Big Poppa!

Desperate in DUMBO

Dear Desperate,

I think I can help. But you've got the wrong idea. Me a heart throb? Never. I'm black and ugly as ever. However, I stay Gucci down to the socks, my rings and watch filled with rocks. Plus, my jam rocks in your Mitsubishi. That's why girls pee pee when they see me and Navajos creep me in they teepees.

Dear Biggie,

Last week I met a girl at work. She's really great, but not my type at all. (I usually date girls from the club.) How do you feel about the smart, sophisticated type?

Just wondering,

Curious in Clinton

Dear Curious,

Go for it! As for me, I like 'em cute, round tits and fat asses. And educated, so I can bust off on their glasses!

Dear Biggie,

I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year now. I'm really in love with her, so that's great. The only problem is that lately, she's been pressuring me to try some, you know, different sexual stuff. I'm worried that if I do this stuff it will make me a freak. Have you ever tried anything weird with your girlfriends?

Thanks,

Modest Mitch in Marcy Projects

Dear Modest Mitch,

Yeah, I've tried some freaky shit. Once, I got a bitch to suck my dick 'til I nut. Then she spit it on my gut and slurped that shit back up. Ain't that a slut? She even took it in the butt. We fucked for about an hour, and then she wanted a golden shower.
You didn't know that we be pissing on hoes, Mitch? Biggie straight shitting on hoes, Mitch. But if she asks you to lick her toes Mitch, say fuck no, you must be crazy. Squirt in her face and then you're Swayze.

Dear Biggie,

Woah. You sound like a total badass. I want to be just like you. Except, are you worried at all that what you're doing is a sin? I want to go to heaven. Are you worried about whats going to happen to your soul?

Repent!

Godfearing in Flatbush.

Dear Godfearing,

Thanks for your concerns. But when I die? Fuck it, I WANT to go to hell. Cause I'm a piece a shit, it ain't hard to fucking tell. It don't make sense going to heaven with the goody-goodies dressed in white, I like black Tims and black hoodies! God would probably have me on som real strict shit: no sleeping all day, no getting my dick licked. Hanging with the goody-goodies, lounging in paradise? Fuck that shit, I want tote guns and shoot dice!

Need some love advice from the blunt-smoking BedStuy bandit? Email bedstybandit@gmail.com. It's all good baby-baby!