Big up to CNN's Science & Technology Blog for dropping some knowledge on me yesterday re: www.sunnygram.com, a new web-based communication service for people who think Mt. Rushmore was carved by lightning.

For $10 a month, you can now email people who don't get email. That's you Aunt Bernice!

Here's how she works: 

First, you email messages, birthday wishes, updates on your DUI case, photos, chain letters, Amway pitches or whatevs to a phantom email account set up for Aunt Bernie. Then once a week she receives a special newsletter, or Sunnygram, with all your messages compiled. Next, Bernice sees that adorable picture of her grandnephew Ross sharing an ice-cream cone with your beloved dog Touchdown and goes incontinent with mirth. Once her nurses have cleaned her up, she can reply: either by writing back on special Sunnygram stationary, or by leaving a voicemessage with Sunnygram which the service then transcribes back into an email for you! 

Also, the customized Sunnygram stationary works for writers of all levels. It's the end of life equivalent to those premade postcards for kids away at summer camp.

Dear ______,

Thanks for the Sunnygram! I'm having ____________ done to my _________ on _________ so I need all the __________ you can ___________. My favorite type of Bingo is ______________. Unfortunately, __________, __________, and ___________ passed away last week. But at least ___________ still has some __________ for _________. Please send _________ and I hope you have made progress on your __________ problem. Remember it's never too __________ to ___________.

Love,

___________

Perfect!

Or you could just mail a letter or make a fucking phone call you mung-breathing muttonhead.

Wow, sorry. If you're in the military or living in some remote Antarctic base where the post costs $450 per envelope and takes 4 months, then my apologies; by all means Sunnygram away. But if you live in Boston and are just too much of a prick or yuppie to bother with some stamps and envelopes then my earlier sentiments apply. Is this how bad things have gotten? We've forgotten about letters?

"Hey Stuart, how's your Aunt Bernice?"

"Well, Henry, I'm not really sure. I'd love to keep in touch with her, but she's all the  way down in Providence."

"Have you tried emailing her?"

"I wish, but she doesn't get email."

"Not even on her Blackberry?"

"You won't believe this Henry, but she doesn't have one. The only blackberries Aunt Bernie sees are when the nursing home makes cobbler."

"Ha ha ha! Oh Stuart. Seriously though, have you heard about Sunnygram?"    

The Sunnygram seems to be the latest in a line of products for people who've become so disembodied they think Wimbledon was played on a Nintendo Wii. But hell, if there's a market for it... you got to make that paper. So if you're needing to get in touch with your PawPaw and can drop some dime, for $2 you can email me your message and his address down in Boca at imarichmuttonhead@gmail.com.

I'll take care of the rest.