Welcome to Small Town America

Mayor’s Welcome (draft):

Dear New Neighbor,

On behalf of myself, the City Council and City staff, welcome to the City of Yutz, Iowa!

As a City government, we are committed to keeping Yutz a safe place to live and work, to ensure that our community is clean, to foster new growth and development in the community while maintaining the strides of the past and to do all of this in the most efficient, fiscally responsible manner.

Yutz faces many challenges. The mandated separation of our sanitary and storm sewers will be a vast project spanning many years. Improving the quality of our streets to address our growing community is always a priority of the City Council. Through progressive partnerships between City government and private business and industry, we are looking forward to even more expansion and growth.

Yutz's population is growing, becoming larger and more diverse. Just as bridges span the river, we as citizens should work together to bridge the differences in our community to ensure a progressive, positive future for all of our residents. Just as long as the influx of those damned Mexicans doesn’t turn us into the “New Tijuana.”

We live those small town values that only those of us who grew up in small towns can truly cherish. Yutzonians embody the Christian, salt-of-the-earth, hard-working, kind and generous people of the small town. We conjure up Mayberry and yesteryear in our tooth-challenged smiles.  We grew up hearing the most endearing terms for blacks, gays, and, most recently, Mexicans. I could tell you jokes I heard in grade school that are so offensive I could be a toastmaster at a Klan rally. But I digress…

We grew up here in this small town and we know the decent people and the honest people. We also know the real values of small town America.

I can say without any hesitation that this small town, out of a very small and stagnant gene pool, has produced a remarkably large number of bigots, morons, cretins, idiots, goons, and self-righteous moralizers.

But of all the small town values I've seen reflected in Yutz, all the intolerance and narrow thinking , the thing that I most admire is the gossip. We revel in wallowing in the whispers that decimate in an innocent person's community standing and thus, livelihood. We revel in the wanton destruction of reputations.

But first, are you the kind of person who is quick to believe the absolute worst about someone you've never met? Do you harbor resentments for people who are smarter, prettier, richer or better than you? Yes? Perfect! You're the ideal Yutz scandal monger. Welcome to the dirt-slinging.

So come on, let's make shit up. It's fun! Come on, join your fellow Yutzonians, exercise your small town values! Embrace ignorance! Be suspicious of anyone slightly different than you. Be smug and derisive about those dreamers who think they can make the world a better place. Ridicule service, unless it's armed service. Practice the freedom to think and act in lockstep with everyone else.

Ignorance! Suspicion! Meth kitchens ! Those are the small town values I'm talkin' about.

All of us - Mayor, Council Members, and the City departments are committed to serving our locally born and bred citizens with professional and timely service.

Please feel free to contact any member of the City staff if you have questions or concerns about the city or services. We are here to serve you and we stand up for every real Yutzonian who is standing up for the little guy. As long as the little guy isn't a coon, wop, mick, polack, chink, wetback, spic, bean eater, “citified liberal”, “edumicated” outsider or fag.

Sincerely,

Bubba Bubbaton
Mayor

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New Resident:

I knew there might be a minor cultural misfit on night one. In my quest to find suitable housing, my brother, who offered to accompany me on my housing quest, and I settled into the upscale, local hotel:

The room was, er, comfortable?

With all the amenities:

When my brother discovered an irritating plumbing problem, he called down to the main desk:

Bro: “This is room 222, I’ve gotta’ leak in my sink.”

Desk Reply: “Well, go ahead!”

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The next morning, we embarked upon our residence search . We were directed to the newest hi-rise, local condo development:

Needless to say, I finally located a modest, yet livable home in town.

Shortly after moving into my neighborhood, I made the acquaintance of my new Yutz neighbors, Festus and Mavis. They had been married for 60 years.

Sadly, one morning, Festus made a 911 call. My wife, Mavis, just died in oursin' home. Can you send an ambliance ta’ pick 'er up?

Operator: "What is your name, Sir?"

Reply: "Festus Pusser."

Operator: "Can you spell that last name sir?"

Reply: "P - U - S - S - E -  R"

Operatior: "And what is your address, Sir?"

Reply: "1001 Euclyptus Lane."

Operator: "Can you spell that street name, Sir?"

Reply: "Can't I just drag Mavis down to Main Street and you can pick her up there?"

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Well, what can I say? My five years among Yutz natives was certainly enlightening, as in, “GETMETHE FUCKOUTTAHERE” meaning of enlightening.

Not that there weren’t colloquial amenities, customs and cultural offerings...

Sunday Church services offered the main opportunity to don yer’ “go-ta-’meetin”finery:

One could always summon the local limo, to transport one

to the departure point of the local cruise line,

or one could rent a local RV for a road trip.

I was most pleased, however to be beyond the need for child-care services, as I found the local customs for “time-out” mildly disturbing.

Dating prospects? Suffice it to say that the available Yutz male’s idea of a night on the town was less than enticing:

After dining on what passed as the finest culinary experience in town, Hotel Lutz’s house specialty, The Calamari Deluxe Feast,

the evening then progressed toward an outdoor symphonic performance

or nightly reruns of Hee-Haw (or as the locals call them,“DOCUMENTARIES”…)   at the newly re-opened               Drive-In on the outskirts of town,

the evening capped by the ever predictable, end of date, fete' accompli’.

All of the strike-throughs in the Mayor’s Welcome?           Need I elaborate?

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One year ago, I rejoined civilization…