“…Before I built a wall I’d ask to know

What I was walling in or walling out,

And to whom I was like to give offense.

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall

That wants it down…

…He is all pine and I am apple orchard.

My apple trees will never get across

And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.

He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors…’”

exerpts: Mending Wall ~Robert Frost_

Personal boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you and which problems belong to me. What are boundaries?

"Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. . ." ~Dr. Henry Cloud~

Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives. We set boundaries in regard to physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoke to, honesty, emotional intimacy (such as how much we self-disclose to others). When one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers. 

The following guidelines indicate a problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries:

o      Telling all

o      Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting

o      Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

o      Falling in love with anyone who reaches out

o Being overwhemed by a  person--proccupied

o      Acting on the first sexual impulse

o      Being sexual for partner, not self

o      Going against personal values or rights to please others

o      Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries

o      Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want

o      Touching a person without asking

o      Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you

o      Letting others describe your reality

o      Letting others define you

o      Believing others can anticipate your needs

o      Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically

o      Falling apart so someone will take care of you

Our culture portrays romantic love, in songs, television, and movies, as being a relationship in which the partners are inseparable, are nothing without each other, and one in which each partner derives her/his very sense of self from the other. While portrayed as the ideal, this is actually a description of a very unhealthy relationship.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship:

o       My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

o       My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.

o       Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

o       My mental attention is focused on pleasing you.

o       My mental attention is focused on protecting you.

o       My mental attention is focused on manipulation you "to do it my way."

o       My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.

o       My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.

o       My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

o       Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

o       Your behavior is dictated by my desires, as I feel you are a  reflection of me.

o       I am not aware of how I feel, I am aware of how you feel.

o       I am not aware of what I want, I ask you what I want.

o       If I am not aware, I assume.

o       The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

o       My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

o       My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.

o       I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

o       My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

o       I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

o       I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

o       The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Healthy relationships are characterized by respect, sharing and trust. They are based on the belief that both partners are equal, that the power and control in the relationship are equally shared.

Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

      Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

      Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interests. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

      Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of abuse or control, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

      Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-abusive role models for the children.

      Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

      Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

     Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

Basic Rights in a Relationship:

      Adapted from Patricia Evans, 1992, The Verbally Abusive Relationship

o       The right to emotional support.

o       The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy

o       The right to have your own point of view, even if it differs from your partner’s.

o       The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real.

o       The right to live free from accusation and blame

o       The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

o       The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

o       The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

o       The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered.

o       The right to say “no” when you mean “no” without explanation, justification or attempts to coerce a “yes” by your partner.

Healthy love develops after we feel secure.

Unhealthy love tries to create love even though we feel frightened and insecure.

Healthy love is unique. There is no "ideal lover."

Unhealthy love is stereotyped. There is always a certain type we are attracted to.

Healthy love is gentle and comfortable.

Unhealthy love is tense and combative.

Healthy love encourages us to be ourselves, to be honest from the beginning with who we are, including our faults.

Unhealthy love encourages secrets. We want to look good and put on an attractive mask.

Healthy love is satisfied with the partner we have.

Unhealthy love is always looking for more or better.

Healthy love is based on the belief that we want to be together.

Unhealthy love is based on the belief that we HAVE to be together.

Healthy love teaches that only we can make ourselves happy.

Unhealthy love expects that other person to make us happy and demands that we try to make them happy.

Healthy love creates LIFE.

Unhealthy love creates MELODRAMA.