Fingerlakeswanderer specifically wrote to me and asked for my comments on her blog post entitled: To the Men of OS-- and since I tend to write whole posts as replies, here it is.

What is Sex Like for a Man?

 Upfront Disclaimer: While this is entitled ostensibly for all men, I can really only speak about my own feelings and what its like for me, and presume that I share a reasonable set of qualities with other men. Also I'm framing my comments more relative to the larger arch of my life, rather than in the more specific confines of my current or previous relationships. Also as I interpreted Fingerlakeswander's questions, she is more interested in the sexual act and the immediate feelings and thoughts rather than the larger relationship aspects, except as they relate to the sexual act.

For me, sex (the sex act) is a lot of things rolled-up into one-- and not always the same set of things either-- ranging from the simple desire for release ("to get my rocks off", to be blunt) or stress release, or simple human contact-- but not necessarily deeply emotional, on the level of going to the hairdresser let's say, friendly and amicable, but not deeply emotional-- all the way to total connection and attachment to someone I'm extremely fond of.

Sometimes sex is a conquest (either mentally or physically). sometimes its a gift (in either direction). Sometimes its a mutual sharing. Sometimes I just want to "get mine" and get out of there.

I am not a woman so I can only go on what I've read, heard and been told-- its my understanding that women don't really "get" how guys can have detached sex when for them its such a spiritual and emotional and connective act. I also understand that women dislike being thought of as a "sexual object" rather than as a "person" and get upset when they think the men they're with treat them the one way or the other.

For men-- for me at least-- there is a duality involved-- (A) woman as a sexual attraction, and (B) woman as person and being. And my level of emotional connection (attachment or detachment) is probably proportional to the levels of (A) and (B) involved.

There have been occasions in my life when sex was freely offered (to me by a woman) with no strings attached, no emotional attachments, no commitments, no expectations other than the enjoyment of the moment, or obligations of the future. Sometimes it was with a woman (or women) that I only recently met. Sometimes it was with a woman (or women) that I had known for some times (i.e. were friends or acquaintances).

In the case of the former (a woman I hardly knew), sex (from my perspective) was much freer and without restraint and I felt more able to do what I wanted and use her in the ways that I wanted and felt good to me. (Which is not to say that I did nothing to reciprocate-- you wanted my own perspective, remember? Not hers) And "use" is probably the best operative word here-- not meant quite as coldly or callously as "using a tissue", but more along the lines of "used as a hairdresser"-- how much do you think about your hairdresser after you leave her shop? Or worry whether what she thought of you because your hair was dirty and she had to shampoo it?

On other occasions, with women I had already known, including "fuck buddies" and "friends with benefits" arrangements, sex was still somewhat freer but more constrained. Since there was an additional layer of.... "respect" is not quite the right word, and yet its close-- understanding and restraint might be a better choice of terms-- thought of future interactions with that individual so more care / concern to do the things she likes and such. Though the liaison was still casual, and both of us felt fairly free to express ourselves sexually (especially since that was a large part of the nature of the relationship), there was a modicum of restraint that probably wouldn't have been there if it had been a casual one-night fling. (And when I mention limits and restraints, I mean it goes both ways-- and in both circumstances).

But when I am having sex with someone I really care about-- that's when I feel the most limited and most constrained. You would think it to be the opposite, but its not. There is the knowledge that I have to live with that person-- be in a committed relationship and interact with them day to day. Many ideas or fantasies or desires that I might have with casual liaisons I wouldn't even bring up with my committed partner. And I am more concerned and attuned to her pleasure and with "pleasing" and "performing" and less concerned with just "getting off".

As a result, I think from a pure sexual point-of-view, the sex is much better with the casual partner. Though certainly someone you have sex with often is going to have more familiarity to it, there is less restraint and feelings of constraint and more raw rutting and its more primitive-- physical and earthy and visceral.

Sex with a committed partner is more emotional, more communicative and less "sexual".  And as a result, it loses a lot of that original "zing" which was present back when she was still in the "casual" category and sex was more primitive. Over time its easy to get in a rut-- or not to rut at all. Especially when she has the opinion that "I should want her just for her and not be attracted to lingerie or other trappings". That may be a female point-of-view but it certainly is not a male perspective-- at least not mine. I love my wife to death but she just doesn't realize how much she is killing our relationship on the alter of principled notions.

Part of what a man-- meaning at least me-- wants is something "new", novelty-- a new experience, a new conquest-- a new smell, a new feel. I don't know how to put this delicately so I'll just be blunt-- there is an ecstatic feeling I just can't describe in words whenever I plunge into a new vagina for the very first time. And feel myself sliding inside it, and feeling its warmth and its grip, its smoothness and silkiness and warm, velvety depths. Its like the first day of spring and christmas and new years and a fresh warm comforter just out of the dryer-- a bearskin rug, a walk through the grass in bare feet-- stretching out in the sun and the warmest, bestest feeling ever in the world-- all wrapped up into one delicious moment. Its physical, its sensual, its overwhelming, it sucks you in at the same time you feel compelled to push your way in... all in the space of one tiny moment.

You only get to feel that once or twice with any particular woman. After that its other aspects that make the sex exciting. Experience, knowledge of certain spots or techniques, etc.

And yet I feel emotionally bonded to my wife. I love her implicitly and without reservation. I have never cheated on her, not because I have a problem with it, but because she's asked me not to, and its part of my commitment to her. But that doesn't make those feelings and longings for something new go away. In fact it only serves to make them stronger, hungrier, lustier. Sometimes I do resort to looking at porn. And it helps a little. Though I'm not sure in the long run whether it helps in the right ways. It satisfies the lusts of the moment to a degree, but it doesn't have much effect (one way or the other) with relations with my partner.

At one point I tried to get her interested, to share my view and enter my world, but as much as I tried, she wasn't willing to go there. She did try a little, but I think it was more of an affordance than a true desire to experience something new. For my part, I do my best to try to relate to her viewpoint that it should be her I'm interested in and not the trappings, etc. I guess we meet somewhere in the middle, and I know that neither one of us is truly happy with our sexual relations. Some moments are better than others of course, but we often go awhile between moments.

What can you do about that? Men are what they are, they want what they want, and they like what they like. Women are the same. Its unfortunate that the commitment that bonds people together is often the very thing that drives them apart later. Is the answer to step out? To not be committed? To have an open relationship? To live polyamorously? How can you assuage one partner's goals and desires while keeping true to the other's?

I sometimes think that society ought to invent and permit "sex holidays" where partners can go away for a weekend, meet up with someone, shag their brains out with no worries or commitments and then come home fresh and relaxed and ready to face their partners again.  Would that solve the problem? Who knows. But at least it would be out in the open and socially acceptable, and marriages would be less likely to be ruined over it.

Sex for men-- or just me, who knows-- is a lot of things. Largely physical, but not necessarily without an emotional component. Its just that the two are experienced separately though sometimes jointly, and one is good and satisfying irrespective of the other. Sure its nice when both are present, but sometimes its good to just fuck without regrets.