Hey, we gotta talk.
It's a little awkward to bring up-- you know, its about, uh-- a certain part of your anatomy...
...er, a little lower...
...yeah, right about there..
I hate to bring this up but...
Recently I was browsing another OS member's blog when I encountered this ad on her page...
What a 'tasteful ad below your blog' really means
... I thought you'd wanna know.
Top Colon Cleansers for 2009
(Borax for your Thorax)
At first I was a little taken aback. What does this mean exactly? And what is it doing on Open Salon? I admit at first I had some disturbing mental images...
Yikes! We don't want to mix these up by the sink!
So I looked it up and its... its-- its about-- um, well you really don't want to know, do you? Apparently there is a whole cottage industry out there for, um-- you know...
Capable of lifting an 8 lb bowling ball
So that got me thinking-- about "Colon Cleansers"...
[Note to self: When you find yourself thinking about "Colon Cleansers" there there are probably a few topics you've overlooked]
Where is the Colon?
No discussion about "Colon Cleansers" would be complete without visual aids and geographic assistance:
-- Start at the nose and make a right.
-- Keep going until you come to the ear
-- Continue down along the neckline until you reach the back (be careful to avoid the cold shoulder)
-- Then head due south until you come to a split
-- From there just follow your nose
-- Stop and ask directions. Any asshole can point you in the right direction.
Tips For the Truly Clueless:
-- Its okay if you use both hands and a road map
-- GPS is also okay
Even Presidents have colons.
George W. Bush was rumored to suffer from a spastic colon.
George W. Bush's Colon
(What? You were expecting a different Colon?)
Our Fantastic Voyage
Now that we have located the target zone, we are ready to embark upon our journey to the center of the colon, the fabled "Back Passage" known only to a few-- where (hopefully) no man has gone before. As a reminder: This is not a half-assed mission. For some of you, a warning-- this may get hairy.
"Admiring shades of lava which imperceptibly passed from reddish brown to bright yellow, their way lit by crystals appearing as lighted globes, they continued through the lava gallery, which gently sloped until they reached the inter section of two roads. Without hesitation Professor Lidenbrook chose the eastern tunnel."
"The Eastern route they had taken had come to a dead end. After sleep, they continued down the other tunnel in their quest for water, and whilst searching on his own, Hans, the guide, heard the sound of water thundering behind a granite wall, and, with a pick axe, attacked the wall so as to allow a stream of boiling water to enter and cool in their tunnel. They called the stream the Hansbach." [*]
[*] Serious apologies to Rick Wakeman :-)
So What Does the Colon Look Like?
That's a fair question. Many people go their entire life without truly knowing. [Note: This is not usually considered a serious handicap] Others however may be more adventuresome... or studious or bored or twelve... and infused with an idle curiosity about the colon. This is only natural. So I have prepared a little study diagram to assist. You will note that there is a difference in the general structure of the colon based on gender and other factors:
In Women the Colon Looks Like This:
In Men, the Colon Looks Like This:
In Politics, the Colon Looks Like This:
The Colon Chronicaled in Song and Literature
Throughout the ages numerous people have, at times, felt inspired or motivated by the colon. Shakespeare, for example, was well familar with the intricacies of the colon and refered to it often. As did Khafka and Neiche and even Hitler in his lesser-known but seminal work: "Mein Schließmuskel". The colon has even been immortalized in Television broadcasts in hit shows such as "My Favorite Colon", "The Anus & Andy Show" and "Colon Knows Best!".
"Bottom: O kiss me through the hole of this vile colon!
(kissing each other through the hole)
Flute: (gasps in horror) I kiss the colon's hole, not your lips at all!"
-- Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare
"One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in his bed he had been changed into a monstrous colon."
-- The Metamorphosis, Khafka
"Ich bin ein großer böser Arschloch!"
-- Mein Schließmuskel, Hitler
"High Colonic, the places you've been to
the things that you've shown us, the stories you tell
High Colonic, I sing to your spirit
the ones who have served you so long and so well"
-- John Denver
Colon Management 101
So now we know about the colon. We've learned where to find it and what it looks like. And we've had an enjoyable time tracing its influence through word and song. Now its time to address the specifics of Colon Administration.
For most people, use of the colon is very easy. Open and shut. Fire and forget. Others though find it more difficult to operate and as a result may become irritable or spastic. The key to proper colon management however is simply to relax. Take a series of deep breaths and let things work themselves out naturally.
Don't have a cow man!
Top Colon Cleansers for 2009 ???
Beats me. I don't have a clue.
I'm not gonna click on that shit.
But you can click on this shit instead. I'm sure its much funnier.