by: Mr. E MD,VA,WV

We've survived all most all of human history without it. Big corporations ignore ancient folks wisdom and have no respect for our intuition. Sometimes the tooth hurts. I'm speaking of course of Alternative Dentistry.

In this essay we'll take a look at the practices of those simpler peoples. We'll examine their their dental methods and outcomes. We'll peek in on several patients and see how their dental care intersects with their lifestyles.

Join us now as we take a look at Alternative Dentistry...

The People

The people in our study are all real people, not paid actors. We have not paid them for their stories. They all appear here unpaid and unrenumerated despite the many letters and phone calls from their agents and lawyers. We are not paying them. Seriously, we're not. At all. Zip, nada, nunca-- for the last time already, they have *not* been paid! Now am-scray! 

Sheesh... Lawyers.

Where were we..? Oh yes, I remember. They are all unpaid actors, and not real people. They suffer with real afflictions and maladies that rob them of their self-esteem and affect their lives. In our documentary, we will follow three patients, who have asked not to be named (but we know who you are, so *stop calling already* !!!) For their privacy we'll simply call them George, Esteban, and Kathy Lee-Gifford.

George's Story:  George is a gentle soul who was born and raised not far from the clinic. About two hollows over. He is graced with boyish charm and devilish good looks and is a real pushover with the ladies. In his spare time he likes to write poetry, go cliff diving, and occasionally gets together with the fellows to sing Wagnerian Operas.

Let's face it, some people are just born with perfect teeth which simply do not require any improvement beyond basic maintenance. 

Esteban's Story: Unlike the other people in our essay, Esteban was not born in North Forks Hollow. When he was a small boy he and his ma and pa emmigrated to North Forks from central New Jersey. Shy and self-effacing, he was beaten up a lot in school for being a pansy. Esteban had the last laugh however shortly after high school when he drank a case of beer and drove his Chevrolet pick-up truck through the front window of the the local 'Food Mart' nearly running over all the kids who had taunted him and who were now working as cashiers and stock clerks. Darryl, the store manager, was so impressed at the time he forgot to press charges.  "I didn't know he had it in him" he was later overheard telling Mabell, the switchboard operator on the party line.

Other people however are not as fortunate. Esteban will require braces and specialized orthodontal work in order to achieve a pleasing smile. 

Kathy Lee-Gifford's Story:  Kathy Lee, another native of North Forks Hollow, grew up near the clinic and spent time collecting stamps for her stamp collection. At the time several of the local boys remarked was quite a budding young philatelist and that she could "lick their stamps" anytime. [Editors Note: It has been brought to our attention that the boys may have meant something else. We're looking into the matter.] Kathy enjoyed equine activities and spent a lot of time at the 4H Club learning about animal husbandry. After high school she worked for a stint as the head cashier at the 'Food Mart' before moving away for a job in New York City. Nobody in North Forks Hollow has seen or heard from her since.

Kathy Lee-Gifford has way too many teeth and as a result is destined to have dental problems all of her life. Most residents around North Forks Hollow simply select one or two teeth and focus their resources on maintaining those.

The Clinic

The North Forks Hollow Clinic for Alternative Dentistry is located in beautiful picturesque North Forks Hollow. As you can see from the photograph, its sprawling campus is comprised of many late-model structures designed by the legendary industrial designer Frank Boyd Wright, of the Ford Motor Company. Wright noted at the Clinic's dedication ceremony that his principle design goal was to help residents and patients feel at ease during their stay at the complex.

Although primarily a medical, dental and practical applications research facility, the Clinic does maintain a small number of residents to assist patients who may visit the center at any time. The Clinic is renowned all over North Forks Hollow for its "open door" policy-- as you can see from the photo, many of the buildings on campus don't even have doors-- and patients and residents are free to come and go at any time.

In addition to its dental facilities, the Clinic also features a world class aerobics training facility:

A Sports Medicine Complex:

 And an Olympic-sized Pool:

The Clinic is also committed to 'green living'. Residents and patients are encouraged to utilize North Forks Hollow's modern metro transit system whenever they need to make short trips into town:

To visit the Clinic, simply travel to North Forks Hollow and ask anybody, you can't miss it. If its your first time you'll need to go to the Admissions Window and ring the bell.

The Staff

The Clinic has a well-trained staff of doctors and dentists in residence at all times. Our doctors and dentists have studied some of the most advanced techniques at prestigious movies theatres around the country. They've seen 'Marathon Man', 'Little Shop of Horrors', 'Dr. Giggles', 'The Dentist', and the first three parts of 'Halloween' several times.

The staff at the clinic are also well aware that the number one reason people avoid going to the dentist is fear of pain. So their research department has developed a quick and effective mechanism for the delivery of anaesthetic gas:

The staff also recognized that many people are afraid of the dentist himself. To solve that problem they have developed several new instruments and procedures designed to make the experience as quick and free from fear as possible:

The staff has asked me to touch on a more sensitve issue. Many patients are apparently either unaware or confused about the usage of the porcelin bowl near the dentist's chair.

 Accordingly the Clinic would like to remind patients that more appropriate facilities are available as necessary.

Conclusion

That concludes our expose' on Alternative Dentistry. Hopefully this documentary has exposed you to new ways of thinking, alternative practices, and areas for development and further research. Please join us again next time when we film Kathy Lee-Gifford eating her own face with gusto and a little relish...

(Disclaimer: Forward blatently ripped-off from Dr Amy's post Alternative Dentistry; Images belong to whomever I stole them from; All actors are still unpaid)