Christine O'Donnell

Paragon of Conservative, Republican Virtues

  CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!  A witch!  We've got a witch!  A witch!
  VILLAGER #1:  We have found a witch, might we burn her?
  CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
  BEDEMIR:  How do you know she is a witch?
  VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.
  BEDEMIR:  Bring her forward.
  WITCH:  I'm not a witch.  I'm not a witch.
  BEDEMIR:  But you are dressed as one.
  WITCH:  They dressed me up like this.
  CROWD:  No, we didn't... no.
  WITCH:  And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
  BEDEMIR:  Well?
  VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the nose.
  BEDEMIR:  The nose?
  VILLAGER #1:  And the hat -- but she is a witch!
  CROWD:  Burn her!  Witch!  Witch!  Burn her!
  BEDEMIR:  Did you dress her up like this?
  CROWD:  No, no... no ... yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
  VILLAGER #1:  She has got a wart.
  BEDEMIR:  What makes you think she is a witch?
  VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a newt.
  BEDEMIR:  A newt?
  VILLAGER #3:  I got better.
  VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!
  CROWD:  Burn!  Burn her!
  BEDEMIR:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether
      she is a witch.
  CROWD:  Are there?  What are they?
  BEDEMIR:  Tell me, what do you do with witches?
  VILLAGER #2:  Burn!
  CROWD:  Burn, burn them up!
  BEDEMIR:  And what do you burn apart from witches?
  VILLAGER #1:  More witches!
  VILLAGER #2:  Wood!
  BEDEMIR:  So, why do witches burn?
      [pause]
  VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
  BEDEMIR:  Good!
  CROWD:  Oh yeah, yeah...
  BEDEMIR:  So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
  VILLAGER #1:  Build a bridge out of her.
  BEDEMIR:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
  VILLAGER #2:  Oh, yeah.
  BEDEMIR:  Does wood sink in water?
  VILLAGER #1:  No, no.
  VILLAGER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
  VILLAGER #1:  Throw her into the pond!
  CROWD:  The pond!
  BEDEMIR:  What also floats in water?
  VILLAGER #1:  Bread!
  VILLAGER #2:  Apples!
  VILLAGER #3:  Very small rocks!
  VILLAGER #1:  Cider!
  VILLAGER #2:  Great gravy!
  VILLAGER #1:  Cherries!
  VILLAGER #2:  Mud!
  VILLAGER #3:  Churches -- churches!
  VILLAGER #2:  Lead -- lead!
  ARTHUR:  A duck.
  CROWD:  Oooh.
  BEDEMIR:  Exactly!  So, logically...,
  VILLAGER #1:  If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
  BEDEMIR:  And therefore--?
  VILLAGER #1:  A witch!
  CROWD:  A witch!
  BEDEMIR:  We shall use my larger scales!
      [yelling]
  BEDEMIR:  Right, remove the supports!
      [whop]
      [creak]
  CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!
  WITCH:  It's a fair cop.
  CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  [yelling]
  BEDEMIR:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
  ARTHUR:  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
  BEDEMIR:  My liege!
  ARTHUR:  Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
      and join us at the Round Table?
  BEDEMIR:  My liege!  I would be honored.
  ARTHUR:  What is your name?
  BEDEMIR:  Bedemir, my leige.
  ARTHUR:  Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.