this is my disease

here i am age 6 stealing candy from a shop on Broadway

here i am age 7 pulling a girl’s panties down around her knees while she’s swinging upside down from jungle gym bars

here i am age 8 Jackie K shows me how to masturbate to this day i’ve never looked back

that’s me age 9 creeping into my sister’s bedroom into her sleeping girlfriend’s adjoining bed concerning my sister she’s a great gal but i’ve never been physically attracted to her

this is my disease

here i am age 10 with 4 grammar school buddies shoplifting at Marshal Fields department store we got caught marshaled home severely punished

here’s me age 11 erasing and altering test scores in my 6th grade teacher’s grade’s book while class is out to recess

here i am age 12 repressing my true voice and lying to my parents about everything

this is my disease

this is me age 13 being shipped off to boarding school

that’s me age 14 getting kicked out of boarding school then shipped off to another boarding school

there’s me age 15 with Kent stealing girl’s purses from Pink Panther lounge in Rogers Park

here i am age 16 stealing Mom’s sleeping pills trading to score my first heroine fix sick as a dog vomiting by the side of the road

this is my disease

this is me age 17 running away from home to Haight Ashbury CA waking up with ants crawling in my hair strung out on methadrine and acid in Berkley crash house

and there i am age 18 running from tear gas and police Billy clubs in Lincoln Park and rioting in Grant Park at the 1968 Democratic Convention

that’s me age 21 getting tricked by my parents into 3 month lockup at Institute Of Living Hartford CT

this is my disease

there i am age 23 practicing Transcendental Meditation and yoga with Cathleen at Hartford Art School

there’s me age 24 kissing with Cathleen in photo booth at the Century Theater in Chicago

there’s me age 25 working for my Dad while Cathleen is away with her family in Indonesia

there i am age 27 holding a teacher’s certificate from SAIC Mom’s idea i never wanted to discipline kids

that’s me age 30 wearing necktie working at CME and selling coke on the side

that’s me age 32 drunk slurring words telling Elizabeth and her Mom at expensive seafood restaurant i wasn’t fit to marry anyone

this is my disease

here i am age 32 stealing money drugs to support my urges

that’s me age 34 with my first puppy Taters

there’s me age 37 awarded Illinois Arts Council Grant spitting peeing splashing blood on charcoal drawings reading Marquis de Sade dismissing many girls

here i am age 41 exhibiting my first one-man show at Deson Sainders Gallery Chicago Dad dies 6 paintings sold

that’s me age 44 leaving Chicago after too many dropped balls missed opportunities chances at love success no destination other than hope prayer of becoming a better person

there i am age 48 burying Taters deep in dirt in Wilmington NC

this is me age 49 working at a record store in Tucson AZ running in the mornings feeling so alone crying

this is me age 50 masturbating about anal sex peeing hairy females questioning to myself do any of those fixations actually matter in a real relationship

this is my disease

there i am age 55 living without drugs for more than 10 years swimming every day awarded yoga certification

this is me age 61 without  the affections of a woman for 15 or more years wondering if i’ll ever find love

here i am age 62 returning to Chicago worried about Mom’s illness hoping praying begging for just one more possibility to prove myself

this is my disease

this accounting does not include surviving throat cancer Hepatitis C compound fractured wrist 2 suicide attempts

this is my disease