Making fun of my home state has a long and rich tradition. On returning from the Mexican War, General Phillip Sheridan said of his time in Texas, “If I owned hell and Texas, I’d rent out Texas and live in hell.” General Sheridan, I suspect there are Virginians still who do not doubt that you weren’t given the option when your time came.
Apparently it is socially acceptable to make fun of other parts of the country, regardless of whether one has reason to make such pronouncements. We blanch at begrudging someone a different race, religion, or sexual orientation, but, oh shit, you didn’t say he was from Texas. Well, only two things come from Texas, steers and queers, and he doesn’t look to have any horns on ‘em.
I will concede, unlike other states, Texas has had the opportunity to prove that it is unprepared for self-governance. So are many members of the United Nations. Someone please identify a state that would be prepared for self-governance.
It is worth noting that the governor of Texas, the Honorable Rick Perry, has balanced both a full head of hair and avoided a career-ending scandal. This feat puts him ahead of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who stumbled with that second prerogative, and the former governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, who managed neither.
I just got into my first OS catfight over this problem. By OS catfight standards, it was pretty mild. Someone thought it was funny that the Texas legislature is considering legislation to permit shooting feral hogs on public land, not just on private land. She invoked the name of Molly Ivins, as if by citing her she could demonstrate her bona fides in this ridicule.
Another couple commenters piled on, oh what bloodthirsty excessive hicks those Texans are! A couple Texans and I took issue, and pointed out the damage that these hogs cause, the diseases they carry, and that this wasn’t being done for sport. They aren’t even indigenous to this continent. Ranchers are hiring helicopter companies to shoot feral hogs on their own property. When you hire someone to kill animals on your property, that’s not hunting. That’s called pest control.
My arguments and the more eloquent ones of my fellow statesmen fell on deaf ears. Comments were closed. Okay, you win. I’m a bloodthirsty, arrogant Texan. That’s cool. But at least I am a bloodthirsty, arrogant Texan with manners. I know most people were told as children, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. It was in Bambi. (Bambi is our favorite movie; we really like the part where his mother gets shot.) I actually internalized that bromide.
When I disagree with someone, if I know my position is irrational, then I keep it to myself. And if it is a rational position, like, oh, I hate that place because I was miserable when I lived there, I see little to be gained from telling a native of that place, gee, I hate your town. You must be stupid for not having left.
I’ve lived enough places that weren’t to my liking, but all you’ll get out of me on that subject is that that city had terrible Mexican food. And if I haven’t been some place, why would I make fun of it and its inhabitants based purely on stereotypes? Any monkey can feel superior based on some snide stereotype. And I am no monkey. I am a Texan.
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Lisa--thank you. And thanks for the plug in Cartouche's favorites. You should know, the hogs are coming for you. Last night I read some Pennsylvania DA document about how they're spreading up there too. And on the Richter Scale of OS kerfuffles, it was about a 0.7.
As my Kansas brother-in-law likes to say, " You all may go to Hell, I'm goin' to Texas!" , per David Crockett.
My bro got here as fast as he could. He is now an "Honorary Texas". Cheers!/rated
Bella99, both variants are acceptable, from Scot. curfuffle.
Texas Bubba, amen indeed, to all things chicken-fried that are not actually chicken. I will absolutely take you up on your wild feral pan sausage extraordinaire.
I just didn't want to witness the blood and gore for either side.
Rated for rantiness with good reason. Well written.
Cartouche--so you see the need for the helicopters. Reduces blood and gore on at least one side. Texas has nearly two million of them.
I was living in Oregon a few years ago and someone said that I was from Oregon now. My response: Honey, I'll be from Texas 'til the day I die. Other people may not get it and that's okay. That's something that only Texans can have. We have our flaws, yes. But, have you ever heard an argument over someone saying - Hey, I'm a Delawarian?
You're right. So many of my friends are scattered from here, but many of them still (classily) hang Texas flags in their homes.
It should be noted that in addition to feral hogs, we also have an abundance of nutria in TX. And Fire Ants and Killer Bees and Southern Pine Beetles. And don't forget the boll weevil.
Assuming the Buddha nature is very challenging in Texas.
I used to be a courier in north Texas and ran over a family of feral hogs one night on a farm to market road. One of the most sickening experiences of my life.
You write very well for a hick. Did you see my post: Texas Twits On Parade? Gov. Goodhair didn't make the list but only because I wanted those who'd done national damage.
Rich, Arlington, Houston, and San Antonio are all working on Buddha stature.
Oh, you said nature. Buddha would probably make an exception for fire ants. And you just listed the invasive species. The indigenous ones aren't much better: armadillos carry leprosy; eight billion species of mosquito, some of which carry West Nile (invasive); grackles that dive-bomb peoples' heads; this place just isn't for the faint of heart. Thanks for stopping by.
Paul just came in and said that he meant to tell me he was out in the far pasture this morning and had about 10 hogs there. I blame Sarah O'Leary!
He also thinks that armadillos are the best thing ever. He's from Cali and doesn't quite get it yet. He just likes to look at them and watch the dogs try to fight them. I tell him, yeah, that's great until one of their legs falls off from leprosy.
Oregon is actually working hard on invasive plants with a public education program. English ivy and Scotch broom!
I love it when someone loves where they live.
Julie--and Lisa Kern was all upset over a couple mice. Bigger state, bigger pests.
O'Steph--I was reading about how in Pennsylvania the state is referring to the feral pigs as such, rather than wild boars, as one measure to try and keep people from getting too excited about hunting them for sport. Thistles and tumbleweeds are from Russia, I think.
As for our Howdy Doody governor, I have no idea how he's managed to avoid a career-ending scandal. What I heard as a well-founded rumor a week or so ago is evidently common knowledge in Austin.
I wish they could get rid of fire ants from helicopters.
Anything that makes for more bacon is a good development. As I wrote over there, I know some guys who hunt those monsters on foot with spears and knives and helos sound saner. monkey fingered.
I would learn to fly a helicopter if we could hunt fire ants with it.
BBE--yes, that's the post. If they want to hunt hogs with spears, Godspeed. They'll need it.
Stellaa, thank you for stopping by. I'm not sure if it's virtue so much as intellectual laziness.
This isn't to say that there aren't things I miss, ranging from BBQs to magnolia trees. I miss the Gulf Coast and I even miss Texas thunderstorms. I make a point to tell people that I was able to buy a house as a single woman in my 20s due to the cost of living there and that Houston is routinely ranked as the best place in the county to raise a family if you're black. These are admirable things which fly in the face of those who feel that all Texans are rednecks. It also rankles all those who feel they are so morally superior but who would move if more than a few blacks bought homes in their neighborhood. I also have some extremely bright and well-educated friends who think Houston is a heaven for them and I understand their point of view.
I don't miss Texas politics. I don't miss the teachers who thought it was their moral duty to try and convert me in the classroom because I had the audacity not to be raised Christian. I don't miss those who tried to take science out of science class. I absolutely don't miss mutant ninja RenLady eating bugs or the nest of copperheads which worked its way into an outer wall of my house.
For me the negatives outweighed the positives and I left. I'm still back every year as most of my family is there and I enjoy visiting. I honestly appreciate and rated your post due to the fact that you're trying to break a negative stereotype and get people to think before they judge. I'm convinced the last two things which are fashionable to stereotype are fat women and Texans.
As for Phil, did you know historians now believe he was lyin' his ass off about stripping the Shenandoah Valley so clean that a crow flying over wouldn't find a kernel of corn to eat? I put him in one of my songs anyway just so Southerners could spit at the mention of his name. This is from my song called Crazy Horse:
"Sherman burned the heart out of the South
And Sheridan left nothing for the crows
They won the war, then their wagons headed out
To kill the Indian and the buffalo"
Available on my CD SoulofHawk -- and now we take you back to Tampa and the third half of Super Bowl XLIII.
My favorite short subject was Bambi Meets Godzilla, no manners in that one, but a definite point of view.
I like what you have to say here Mrs. Michaels. It sounds like the good stuff my Grampa taught me, farmer that he was.
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Unless a newbie hires a staff of full time OS piano pounders, pals and buddies from your Texas high school, Ya know, the drop-outs? The politico gang of hoodlums from Texas who wear moose antler? The same-same as from the state of Aaska...huh. Ya can miss great comments.... heh....
You miss pigs snorting, men with comb-over black hair wigs, hair piece, Mops. I love Texas. Those fedora ten gallon hats are as fun as when I was bedridden in a hospital and the entire nursing staff wore Rudolph Reindeer antlers at Christmas Season. I like Texan accents, bagels, pizza pie, and just wonder why the lovely Turkeys become DC gobblers.
How many hairs on the chin constitutes a beard? Then, is it okay to begin calling Texan males a cute little piglet? The politicians who go wee wee wee all the way to the market place? I love America too. The ones who mess-up need to apologize. They make this Land a place of Misery. Now, if you don't like Texans, Ya will love those Missouri folk. They are never acting as if they are in a sad-misery state. The trucks license says:`The kick me state? Or, the show me?
(if this is silly and stupid. delete) It's to be eating alone in a Polish restaurant in Waco Texas?
(if you ate low-fat kielbasa)
I know I should move there.
Idaho, I thought you would appreciate this.
Ms. Peel, you are ordinarily far more precise. Am I making a fuss for no reason, or did you fail to see the apparently “priceless” humor of pest control by helicopter? If the former, it’s because I’m tired of people thinking they can make themselves look clever by putting down other peoples’ places of origin.
Tom, thank you for stopping by. I’ve never heard that statistic, but it’s macabre enough that I like it. Some of our favorite Texans started off in Tennessee. Thanks for sharing your song. Not enough socially acceptable reasons to spit anymore.
Suzanne, I remember having to curtail my orders of goat cheese, spinach, and sausage pizza. I didn’t realize I couldn’t get the spinach because of the sausage. I now have to look up Bambi meets Godzilla. And, yes, roots is roots, but we do allow for conversions. It’s why God gave us the bumper sticker, “I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as quick as I could.”
Con, people will get a whole lot less sentimental about coyotes when their cats start disappearing. But they are filling a niche left vacant by the red wolves.
Mr. James, Missouri is the state that, when given the choice between a dead man and John Ashcroft, wisely chose the corpse. Corrupt and mediocre politicians can come from anywhere. The main Texas pol you’re thinking of may have started high school here, but he got his education elsewhere. Andover, Harvard, and Yale must be so proud.
Local boys proudly display Hog-Hunter bumper-stickers or decals on the back window of their Toyota pick-ups. Their dogs are just dumb enough to enjoy hunting hogs, too -- until they catch up with one. Hogs are not only tough, they're smart -- a lot smarter than dogs.
One hog killed 15 head of cattle before they caught up with the old boar - he was HUGE. But hunters appear to be winning this battle; hogs like bear, are getting harder and harder to find.
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John, I live in a city. I will probably always live in a city. I like living here. It works out. Not everyone wants to live in a city, and I think that probably works out pretty well.
It would seem that there are enough erudite and eloquent members on OS from rural places that people would know better. Einstein summed it up best, "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Rick Perry ... icky!!!
If you like, I can go about this point by point with you--in response to the above posting (there is so much to take issue with). However, for now, let me just respond with a sentiment much like the one you previously (on another person's blog) addressed to me:
I written about people like you.
I am attempting to convey, in my own bloodthirsty hick way, that I think it is unbecoming of people to mock other places for no better reason than that you can. Where I come from, that's called rude. Feel free to explain why you find a request for civility so offensive.
I said, or, as you say, "offered" no such thing. Plus, I think its a ridiculous argument.
"people who ask for basic courtesy in discourse."
You, madam, came onto a thread on another person's blog and challenged me--not the other way around. You have called me (personally) names; I have, thus far, not returned the favor. So who is it that is "juvenile"? hypocritical?
"I think it is unbecoming of people to mock other places for no better reason than that you can."
I don't mock Texas because I can. I mock it because Texans are so arrogant and laughably wrong about so many things.
You may call it rude to call out Texas on its dirt--where I come from, it's call discourse. And by the way, you argue poorly.
And bless you lil heart, where I come from, saying a place is "fat and dumb" has all the rhetorical sophistication of a yo mama joke.
Juvenal is a name. Juvenile, as I used, was an adjective.
Your apparent hostility is a little distressing.
The thing is, someone that isn't a Texan can never understand that even WITH fireants, we wouldn't want to be from anywhere else on Earth. I've been away for a few decades now, although I get back now and then, but I've never ceased to be a proud Texan, and I DO fly a Texas flag, when the situation calls for it.
As a footnote, my daddy and I used to hunt javelina with pistols, down in the Davis mountains. If the feral hogs' typical disposition is evenly remotely similar, I think hunting them with spears would be great material for a reality TV show... it'd make Jackass look tame!
Rated, and appreciated. I'll be back around for the next one.