On this day in 1836, the nascent Texian nation completed its first secession.  Sam Houston’s force of 900 overran the siesting Mexican army of 1300 in eighteen minutes.  For the next nine years, the Republic of Texas lurched along as an independent nation.  It borrowed heavily from both its Spanish and Anglo roots, and when presented with a good idea from one source, and a bad idea from the other, invariably opted for the bad idea.  It nearly established its capitol in what would be Houston, in emulation of the United States, because if the US could build its capitol in a swamp, so could Texas.  But then the Texans had a better idea: build the capitol in the middle of Comanche territory, and so we had as our capitol Austin.  The Comanche apparently also respected precedent, and emulated the British by burning the capitol.  Here we learn history so we can repeat it.

The second secession attempt did not go as well.  These things happen.  Recently there has been some noise about a possible third attempt at secession.  Y’all should be so lucky.  We are your id, y’all all are stuck with us, and y’all need to be thanking your lucky stars that we don’t get into our heads to exercise our right to a far more enticing option than secession:

          into         

         five         

       states      

We are a state of over twenty-four million people, by population the second largest in the Union.  This means that forty-eight states are better represented in the Senate than we are.  It also means that it would require adding up the populations of eighteen states to equal the population of Texas.[1]  Those states have thirty-six senators among them. We have two.  I’m no mathematician or lawyer, but that just don’t add up right.    

Split us, and there would be approximately four and quarter million per state.  Just picture it:

Ten Texas senators.

I know, it brings a tear to my eye also.

Five Texas legislatures. 

Now you might argue that five Leges would diffuse the comic effect of the current Texas Legislature.  I disagree, respectfully.  I have every faith in the Texans not currently holding political office to stand up and assume the responsibility of determining whether “mouth to anus with a chicken” should be a legal recreational activity in the new Subtexan states.[2]  (In case you’re wondering, I like chicken salad as much as anyone, but I really want to believe that my salad is made with something other than chicken anus, so I would vote for illegal.)

To properly report on the five Leges, we will have to revive and clone Molly Ivins.  No one could possibly object to cloning Molly Ivins. 

It would permit us to chuck that awful Pledge to the Texas flag: “Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one state under God, one and indivisible.”  I can only assume this abortion of a recitation was introduced by Yankee saboteurs who wanted us to forget that Texas is in fact divisible. 

But most importantly, dividing up will give us more Texas quarters.

The Texas quarter—don’t get me wrong, I still save them when I get them—is boring. We can have more Texas quarters.  I saw one proposed design with an armadillo.  I like armadillos, and they make fine roadside decorations, but they do carry leprosy. 

But in keeping with the quarter designs of things that can cause you harm if you get too close, here is a potential design for one of the other Subtexan states:

The Cheney quarter

So y’all enjoy some San Jacinto Day, and kiss a Texan near you.  And if you can’t say something nice to the Texans in your life, don’t say anything at all.  We are probably better armed than you. 

 Also, sharper than a serpent's tooth am I: I forgot to thank CCC for sharing the sparklies.  Thank you, your rawhide is in the mail!

Further reading:

McGarrett50 has a more comprehensive account of the Battle of San Jacinto in San Jacinto Day: 18 minutes that changed the world.  I could be wrong, but I bet that it’s only in Texas that we get two years of Texas history as part of the curriculum.  Let us plug some of those gaps in your education. 

Texas Bubba: Chicken fry in the sky with diamonds

john walker: Swamp pop: repost for San Jacinto Day

GregorMendel: That's right, you're not from Texas, Texas wants you anyway