My 4-year-old daughter continues to ask before she reaches for an apple? She asks before turning on her computer. Sometimes she asks before changing into a more comfortable outfit.

I have tried to create an atmosphere of freedom in our home (you know, a home). I want my daughter to confidently reach for an apple, or whatever else, as the desire emerges. So why does she continue to ask?

I believe that children need choices. This goes beyond presenting a child with an arbitrary set of faux-choices. I mean real choices, which they make for themselves. Children need the freedom to both encounter and make choices, because the decisions they make on their own help them to self-realize (in other words, to gain self-awareness, feel and experience personally-held values, and find direction and purpose in life).

If I tell my child what to eat, what to wear, or from which set of choices to choose, she might rely on me (and other authority figures) rather than consulting herself. She might become a yes-man. I don't want that for my daughter!

So why does she continue to ask? Have I somehow implied that I prefer to make the decisions, or worse, that I expect obedience? Is she playing out the wider cultural expectation of child deference to adults?

I don't intend to imply that children do not need guidance and support from their elders. I know they do. They need elders who feel and think through their own choices, as well as unconditionally support the decision-making processes of those in their care.

Perhaps my young daughter is making consultations? Perhaps she just wants to know what I think. I know she wants to please me. Perhaps what pleases me pleases her, at this point?

Whatever the case, in the unschooling way, I continue to roll with it, watching and waiting to see how this dynamic emerges. If she chooses to ask, why should I complain?