MsLissa716's Blog

Lacking Focus


Bedford, Virginia,
July 16
My inner seven dwarves (in no particular order): Crafty, Geeky, Bitchy, Witchy, Cranky, Fussy & Snarky.


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JANUARY 9, 2009 3:14PM

BFF No More

Rate: 7 Flag

Maybe it was cataclysmic - something that cut so deep that you can barely bring yourself to think of it, let alone speak of it.

Maybe it was much so that you can't even recall how it happened; you only know that there's probably no undoing it.

Maybe it breathed its last breath quietly and with as much dignity as these sorts of things can muster; you didn't even realize it until you thought to call her and reached out and discovered that you hadn't put her number in your new phone (who commits those sorts of things to memory anymore?).

Maybe you clung to it white-knuckled all the while knowing that you had to - HAD TO - let go lest she take you down with her.

Maybe it was as simple as not being able to understand each others language anymore.

Maybe you grew up and he didn't and conversations over coffee became tedious because you really just didn't have that much to say to each other.

Maybe it was cathartic.  Maybe after all of the angst and confusion, after all of the dust settled, you looked around and realized that growing pains are called as much because it hurts like hell to stretch your skin in that fashion.  And then you realized that by shedding those layers, you could stretch and bend in ways that you hadn't been able to before - that you could move more freely, feel unencumbered by the expectations and responsibilities of a friendship-gone-awry.

In the end, it doesn't matter how it all went down.  The only thing you know for sure is that you're left with a hole in your personal history where a person used to be.  Stories are one-dimensional because the thing that kept them living, breathing entities has been severed either by choice or circumstance.  It doesn't matter how it happened; it'll always sting when your birthday rolls around and the phone call that you've grown to expect never comes, or when you remember 3 weeks too late that a birthday that you should've acknowledged has come and gone.  It's going to feel like someone kicked you in the gut when you are compiling a guest list and realize that you don't know where to send the invitation.  No, it doesn't matter HOW it happened, but chances are that you'll remember the happening of it for the rest of your days.

Author tags:

break ups, friendship

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I'm having a leisurely morning here, sipping tea, clearing stuff off the computer, and reading Open Salon. This piece you've written on friendships is right on! especially after Christmas when you realize that you haven't heard from some of your friends for a couple of years, and that you've drifted apart, and it makes you sad recognizing they're not in your life anymore.

I especially like this line:- " realized that by shedding those layers you could stretch and bend in ways that you hadn't been able to before..." This is so true! I have a friend who is constantly changing, and she is very flamboyant while I'm not (I tend to be annoyingly wise and oppressively cautious). I don't allow her to "stretch and bend." Sometimes we have to break away from each other for awhile and breathe. Still, when shit happens we're right back on the same wavelength, digging each other out, laughing and crying.

But like you say, sometimes a friendship has "breathed its last breath," in which case I guess we just have to be grateful they existed at all, those people we laughed and drank and shared coffee with, the ones who watched the kids or the cats, taught you how to make soup beans or sew a hem. People who loved you. Your piece is a nice tribute to those people and, right now, makes me remember Cynthia, Debra, Barrie, Carol, Paulann, Mary L., Gracie, Diana, Elaine, and Marlene. Thanks!
MsLissa, I love your av. It is beautiful.
The nice thing about men friends is that you can call them up after 3 years of no talking and say 'how's it goin' they welcome you- pretty sure if I ever tried that with a woman, I'd be frost bitten by the time I'd managed to hang up the phone.
Sometimes relationships just need some air.
Thanks, Suzie & Hyblaen.

Suzie - glad to see that you made it out of boot camp all in one piece and that you found a way to upload a pic. :)

Hyblaen - I think you are *absolutely* right. I tend to have a lot more faith in the resiliency of buddy-type relationships (as opposed to the gal-pal variety that tends to require buckets of ice cream or histrionic 3 a.m. phone calls); oddly enough, my Beloved started out as a "buddy" some years back... Funny how things work out.
"Maybe it was as simple as not being able to understand each others language anymore."

Well put. That was the case with my old best friend and me. Many years of closeness and then we went in different directions as adults.
MsLissa, Beautiful piece on the friendships that can't be invested in anymore, they've been played out. There's a Harry Chapin song called Old College Avenue, that speaks to this. The last line is "Through all the roads you led me down and through all the years that you've been gone, the memory would never go away It was Old College Avenue, and in the time of having you., I remember it as if it were today"
Rated for your poignancy junk1
Over the years there have been a few close friendships that have gone this way. Somehow, it seems like it wasn't okay for me to grow, to keep inquiring, and as you said, we didn't speak each others language anymore.

I think the worst part is when the fun part of the relationship dies, because then the drama has no pay off at all.
excellent piece.

i'm going through this now. i seem to have lost a good friend without really knowing why or how it happened. i don't think it's about me but i can't understand why my friend wouldn't want to share his burdens.

whatever the reasons, "you're left with a hole in your personal history where a person used to be". well put.
Thanks to junk1, Susanne and Cap'n for digging this post out after it had been gathering dust for a month (and a belated thanks to you, buckeyedoc). :) There's just SO much to say about this...and everyone has an experience to contribute, no doubt. Sadly, it seems like one of the hardest things to write about -- how do you find words for the thing that breaks your heart over and over again?