Dogpatch quickly becomes a kind of snake-biting-its-tail thing. If you haven't vacuumed for eight months, one more month hardly seems to matter. The dust drifts get only slightly higher. But the longer you put off vacuuming, or recycling, or laundry, or dishwashing, the more impossible whatever it is becomes. In time, you get dulled to the horror. So what if stuff in the sink is composting? Who cares if you can't see the furniture anymore? You're a recluse, fer crissakes.
There must be a starting point somewhere, though, for every Dogpatch owner/creator, where you can see the badlands ahead of you. Weren't there big flashing warning signs? "Danger! Crazy Country Ahead! No Emergency Services Past This Point!"
I guess there were early hints that I was headed here. There's no formal name for the disease, to my knowledge, as it's a grab bag of signs and symptoms. What I'm calling "Dogpatch" disease, as opposed to the specific label I've given my homestead, is a mix of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, social phobia, agoraphobia, active and passive hoarding, and despair.
When I was nine, my case of "Dogpatch" was incubating, but it was still in hiding. Specifically, it was hiding in my closet, which was a niche across one side of my bedroom, about six feet wide and a foot and a half deep, closed with sliding doors. Those sliding doors were handy because I could throw heaps of stuff - toys, old notebooks, sneakers - into one half of the closet, up to a height where gravity would normally pull everything out into the room if the door had swung on hinges. I took extreme advantage of this discovery,which greatly simplified "cleaning" my room.
Somehow the closet escaped the observation of my normally eagle-eyed mother, who had obsessions of her own involving "Dogpatch." Then my pet turtle took it into his head that life beyond the plastic tropical island might be better. He escaped his bowl and vanished.
After searching the obvious spots under the bed and behind the desk, I was forced to empty the closet under the gaze of my disapproving family. It took a while, as every item had to be lifted out separately. Eventually, the turtle turned up in a bottom layer of stuff, where he had spelunked in from under the door. He was dusty but unharmed. There are plenty of air spaces in clutter.
The turtle trauma imprinted a warning on my brain, but it was the wrong kind, It didn't say - don't fill your closet to this level. It said emptying the closet is a terrible experience. I don't think my closet at home ever got as bad as it was before the night of the lost turtle, but I think that was the first evidence of the Dogpatch event horizon. The filled closets got bigger, and turned into whole rooms, and the filled rooms spread, until it was all Dogpatch.


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I loved this, of course....from the composting stuff in the sink, to the No Emergency Services Past This Point!, to the final "until it was all Dogpatch." You may have a cluttered house, but your prose is as spare and lovely as a Barcelona chair (only funnier). And while the rest of us here clutter up our blog sites with posts on everything from soup to nuts, you always seem to stay with the one unifying theme of Dogpatch, in all its many manifestations. There's a book in here for sure.
latethink, I have never seen these plastic juice cans, but just hearing about them makes me think they could be very useful, so I understand. There is another post (or several) in the time I was saving plastic lids and bubble-packs and jars and boxes of all sorts to make miniatures. That went on for several years. You can make some great miniatures out of trash. I made an adorable 3-legged table out of a pizza-cheese protector, and some nice cakes out of bottlecaps, among other things, but - well, I'm sure the problem here is obvious to you. I still have a pile of this stuff somewhere, although I did throw several bags away a few months ago. I am gradually getting a little better. But it's like trying to clean the Augean stables with a teaspoon. I hope your aunt can eventually shed herself of her house to do what she wants, but I know it's really hard. I'm using this blog to try to get myself to see things from outside my craziest self. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Laurel, I shrieked almost as loudly at your dead baby shrews as I did at the live mouse in the kitchen cabinet this morning. Omg - see this is exactly the kind of thing that keeps me from venturing into the darkest parts of Dogpatch unless I absolutely have to, because I fear what I will find, alive or dead. I'm now feeling quite puffed up at the idea I don't have a cluttered blog, until I remember that within the context of Dogpatch, it's *all* clutter. But bless you, you still make me feel very good. Thank you so much.
And LAUREL, yeesh. That's pretty amazing and scary, but I do so love rodent stories. Hope you'll post some. I have a few too, maybe I'll do an open call.
OS seems to be in the doldrums today. The home page is uninspiring. I think everyone is saving up for the big outpouring of emotion on Tuesday, when Obama is sworn in. You should post this again tomorrow with a new headline: "My turtle had an orgasm in my closet!" Something like that.
I squandered most of the day writing a post that my husband says is in such terrible taste I can never put it up. About the Keebler Elves and salmonella poisoning. He's usually right about these things, so I'm heeding his advice.
Good luck with that mouse! (On the White Elephant front, for our crisis of the day, we had a plumbing leak upstairs that dripped disgusting clogged drain water down onto our breakfast room table.) Better than a weasel under the bed, however.
"cleaning the Augean stables with a teaspoon"
Truly fabulous, and all too accurate...
Laurel, if I had a table surface clear, I'm not sure I wouldn't consider disgusting drain water on it worse than a weasel under the bed. The weasel hasn't caused any real trouble. Okay - there's a pile of boxes that keeps getting knocked down when Dog No. 2 goes after it, but that's nothing.
It *is* cozy here in this corner. I have stopped fretting about being ignored. I realized yesterday that it was more than enough to have you guys stop by to talk.
I am devastated that you will not be posting the Keebler elves/salmonella account, Laurel. Darn your husband and his good taste, anyway.
And yes, Laurel, it is nice to come over here. I'm glad you said the front page yesterday was uninspired. Sometimes there's just nothing going on. There's a lot here to choose from though, so I keep coming back. I'm more of a reader than a poster. I need to work on that. Speaking of which, I would love to read your peanut butter keebler post. I am a tasteless individual but I love to be entertained.
And as for things going wrong, I would rather have gross drain water or a weasel than to be at odds with two of my daughters, which is the center of my life lately. It's so good to come here and see some friendly faces!
Story of the Pea's life. Pea has been down lately.
Is it stupid that I want to know the name of the turtle?