A while back I posted this blog about one of the many fantasy worlds I live in.  Because people really seemed to like it I decided to go ahead and give you an update, cuz boy is it getting crazy.

First off, Tina Fey will no longer speak to me because I refused to go on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. (Apparently their Saturday Night Live bond was stronger than I had originally thought.)  The reasoning behind this is that I think Fallon may be one of the most overrated tools in Hollywood.

I mean really.  Did you guys not see this:

If I won't allow him on my tv at night I'm certainly not going to play nice on his show as if I give a shit.  Now losing Tina sucked, but what really blows is that I got drunk one night with my BFF Drew Barrymore and started going on and on about how much Fallon sucked.  She agreed with me right up to the point where I said this movie should be burned by massive crowds of people that actually have taste:

I can only assume it was the tequila that made me forget that Drew played a substantial role in that movie.  Beers were thrown, photographs were broken, and again the Amy Whinehouse STD rumors were spread.  

Jesus that was years ago!  

With my friend base starting to dwindle I decided to become more focused on work.   And boy was that ever a good idea.  I finished up my movie with Jodie Foster and went head first into this edgy metaphorical piece about the fall of the United States.  The buzz about it was huge and the release was even bigger.  Critics called it one of the most 'unrelentingly honest movies of all time.  An instant classic!'

I had made it big; and not with some mindless blockbuster.  I did it with a truly important piece.

That's when things started to get weird.

See I'd heard of the 'Pink Mafia' before.  Basically it's this secret society of lesbians who work together to take over the world.  I never thought it was real until I received the little pink envelope.  Inside was nothing more than the address of a vegan restaurant, a date and a time.

Now, seeing as how my social life had kind of taken a turn for the worst because of the whole Jimmy Fallon thing I decided to go.  What's the worst that could happen right?

Upon entering the restaurant I was immediately blindfolded and ushered to a private room whereupon I was searched in a very intimate way.  I was then forced to swear secrecy on camera and divulge some kind of incriminating evidence about myself.  For once the Whinehouse thing actually worked in my favor.

Then the blindfold was removed and seated at a long table were the following Hollywood power lesbians.

Ellen and Portia sat at the head of the table like the royalty that they are.  They were both very nice.  I should have guessed that they would be in charge of this whole organization, but it never really occurred to me that Ellen Degeneres could be a ruthless mafia boss.  I learned differently when she realized her chai latte was made with splenda.  I'm pretty sure the server will need therapy to even be able to look at the artificial sugar again.

To the right of the King and Queen was, of course, Rosie O'Donnel.

Now I'd never met Rosie before but I'd seen her work on her talk show, and The View.  I had the impression that she was kind of loud and mean and I'll admit I was actually kind of scared of her.  The thing is Rosie wasn't like that at all during the meeting.  She was sweet and accommodating, even complimented me on my movie and revealed that it was she that put my name in the hat for consideration to begin with.  I was kind of flabbergasted by this until I figured out what her place was.  See Rosie is apparently the whipping boy of the group.  She is told about the major issues and is supposed to be very loud and obnoxious about it.  I later learned from one of the servers that she was relegated to that position because of the whole 'fake crush' on Tom Cruise thing.  It looks bad when our people associate with aliens.

To the left of their majesties sat Melissa Etheridge and her partner, that blond girl.

Melissa talked about the causes that were near and dear to her and really pushed for more involvement from the community with breast cancer awareness and gay marriage.  She also stated that she wanted all of us to punk out on our taxes because of the whole taxation without representation thing.  When I told her that the Republicans were doing that as well she got a little pissed off about the fact that they stole her idea.

The blond girl then proceeded to give me the stink eye for ten minutes.  When I finally asked what her problem was she told me that I had turned her down for a role in my last movie and couldn't remember her name.  She heard me continuously refer to her as 'blond girl.'  To which I simply smiled and nodded because I still couldn't remember her name.

Luckily I was saved by KD Lang:

You can always count on the butch girls to come to the rescue.  I later learned that she's the one in charge of handing out the cards and toasters ever since Melissa had been promoted to the tax evasion department.  It was a really good thing KD was there to have my back too because just look who else was sitting at the table...

(Insert Psycho music here)

Ilene Chaiken- The douche bag of all douche bags, herself.  She was there because of that piece of shit TV show she produced and they'd given her the 'dyke bashing seat' due to her hatred of the lesbian community.  Lets just say she was really unhappy with my post about her making the cover of OS.  Apparently threats had been made to Kerry and Joan about my abuse of the word cunt, but they stood up for me in the end so she shut her big fat mouth for fear of never again getting an Editor's Pick.  That'll teach ya...

You cunt!

Of  course all the obvious power lezzies were also there.

The Indigo Girls were in charge of educating redneck bigots in the south:

Ani DiFranco brings the pot to every meeting:

And Hillary Clinton sat there bitching about the fact that she had to stay with Bill for at least another 8 years before she could run again then come out as soon as she was elected.

Lindsay Lohan was there as well.  Apparently she was new too.  She didn't look like she really wanted to be there, but that might have just been due to the handcuffs she was wearing.  We smiled at each other and pretended not to have shared a very drunken, coke filled night together with added bonus of rubber duckies.

I must say though, the biggest shock was what they expected me to do as my initiation rights.  See they've been trying to get their mits into Jodie Foster for years, but I know as well as anyone that she just won't come out.  They'd been having me tailed for months now and have figured out that we have that great chemistry going on together, but they need it to go a little further.

A bit confused about what my job was, I asked them what they wanted me to do. When they told me I was to open up my home to a lesbo paparazzo and try to seduce Jodie for the camera I was appalled.

"I kind of have a girlfriend that would have a problem with that."  I quipped in my defense.

But they had already thought of that.  Kim Dickens was just not a big enough Hollywood name for me, and as much as I might protest they knew what was best for me.  Jodie and I would be the next power couple, rivaled only by Ellen and Portia.

All I had to do was make out with Jodie.  Something I'd been wanting to do for quite a while now anyway.  

It was tempting: fame, fortune, power... Jodie.

But, somehow in the end, I managed to keep my morals and decline the offer.  Now they said they were 'disappointed' in me in a very 'Goodfellas' kind of way.  I must admit I've been looking over my shoulder a lot more lately.  And I'm no longer receiving any more free Olivia Cruises, but no one's been hurt yet, so I guess I'm in the clear.  

In the end I decided I had enough friends and that looking for them in the back rooms of vegan delis was probably not the best idea.  And all's well that ends well.

Of course, I must say I haven't heard from Jodie in a while...

~If you liked this check out how it all started -