*Just a quick note. All of these stories exist only within my imagination, but some of what I'm about to tell you is true. If so, it will be marked with an asterisk.
I'd been thinking for months about how to get The Pinks to pay for me to go to DragonCon, but every time I thought of something Angelina Jolie would traipse her hot looking bisexual ass into the room and talk about needing our help with some kind of charity. She just knows that they're all completely in love with her and would do anything she says. And of course she sits by me every single time just to try and get under my skin, so I flash her the 'Team Jen' button on my messenger bag to halt any possible conversation.
As I sat there steaming about the fact that DragonCon probably wasn't going to happen I also began to think about all the celebrities I would miss. That's when a brilliant plan came into place in my mind.
"Shut-up hack!" I yelled to Illene Chaiken, who was talking about having me kicked off the board of directors because of that scathing piece I wrote about her sticky fingers.
Everyone turned their attention to me and I offered up my proposal.
"Ladies, we need a new member on the board. Someone seasoned and respected. Someone who has stood toe to toe with tough situations and not backed down. We need a woman who's not afraid to stand up to anyone or anything to help further her cause." I paused for dramatic effect then continued. "We need Laura Roslin."
They all stared at me as if I'd grown a third eye. This was not working out as I'd planned. I knew instantly that I should have practiced my Edward James Olmos voice in the mirror before making the attempt.
"But Summer, Mary McDonnell is straight." Rosie pointed out.
"Yes, and you're in love with that alien, Tom Cruise." I retorted to a room full of nodding heads. "They're only straight till Perez Hilton finds out they're not, ladies. Let me beat him to the punch and recruit her while she's at DragonCon. She'll be vulnerable with all those pimply nerds walking around with a hard-on and I can play the part of the cool, understanding chick who tempers her idolization with self respect. She'll be on the board before you can say 'frakkin toaster'."
I could see Ellen and Portia whispering to each other while the Indigo girls lit up another bowl and disregarded the entire situation. Finally, Ellen pulled away and looked at me with mild approval.
"Ok, we'll pay for you to go to DragonCon, but you'll have to get your own room. The Pinks are tight on money right now because we're trying to bribe Megan Fox into jumping completely over the fence to our side since the bisexuals now hate her."
I groaned inwardly, but decided to take what I could get.
After waiting in some seriously terrible lines I hit the hotel to see about rooms and who do I run into?
The Price Line Negotiator dude!
He couldn't help me get a better room rate at first because he was too busy sexually harassing me. It was only after I threatened to call security that I got an awesome deal on a suite for half price. Man that guy is popular. People stood in line for hours to see him. They must be really passionate about affordable hotel rooms.
I decided not to go after Mary right away. One reason being that I wanted to get a better feel of my chances, and the second being I had no clue how I could possibly do it. So I opted to watch her from afar at a Battlestar Panel. When she walked out on stage I was so struck by her beauty, I could barely remember The Plan.
Then something snapped me out of it. The lovely Kate Vernon had been asked a question about her character, Ellen Tigh.
The question was "Do you think Ellen would have wanted to be friends with Roslin due to the fact that their significant others were best friends?"*
I managed to get the results on tape:*
Mind the shaky cam, I was hopped up on redbull all weekend.
The subtext in that statement was enough to get me motivated about my cause and from there I decided that a few nerds with security badges wouldn't stop me from adding Laura Roslin to the Pink's. So say we all!
I tried to bribe the Battlestar track people, but they have morals or something like that. Then I tried to get drunk with my idol, Colonel Tigh.
But we were a little overzealous and just ended up getting hammered and crying about the fact that the 'old man' wasn't there. He'd know what to do. I said my goodbyes to the good Colonel and headed to bed. I smoked a cigarette with Peter Facinelli before passing out.*
After nursing a well deserved hangover, I decided the Buffy people might be a little more apt to help out with my secret mission. But after hearing Charisma Carpenter talk about her 'FrankenPussy', I decided that might draw a crowd.*
It was only after so many failed attempts that I realized how foolish I'd been about the whole thing. The best people to help me out weren't from Battlestar or Buffy, but from a geekdom far greater than any other: Star Trek.
I found Captain Janeway and Captain Picard in the Walk of Fame.
They'd sat them next to the Priceline Negotiator dude. After explaining that I needed to talk to Mary McDonnell immediately otherwise the prime directive would have been completely screwed they decided to help at once. They set their tazers to stun and helped me sneak into her room.
It was then that I saw her locked in a passionate embrace with Admiral Adama.
It was then that I realized the geek in me was, at that moment, far stronger than the lesbo in me. After four years of following these characters, I knew that they belonged together, and no amount of fun sexual innuendo would serve to kill that truth. So after being escorted out, I caught an elevator with the two captains and the Priceline dude.
I must have looked a bit defeated because Captain Janeway decided to give me a little consolation. She explained something to me that I simply hadn't thought of before: not all strong women have to be lesbians. Sometimes the straight girls like to be powerful too. She's very smart, that Kate Mullgrew... even if Janeway was sleeping with Seven of Nine.
So, with my tail between my legs, I headed back to the Pinks to tell them I couldn't get President Roslin on our board. It didn't take long for them to forgive me.
I got Captain Janeway instead.