My 9-year-old Diva is a straight-A student, unless you count the Bs and Cs in math and science, which I don’t, because why would I count them if they’re not As?

And you should see her room. It’s immaculate, except for the food wrappers on the floor and the pencils stashed… Read full post »

The school year ended yesterday with a bang. Specifically, the bang of a balloon popping. Okay, the bang of me popping a balloon. But the Pterodactyl had let the blue balloon fly up into oblivion, so he only had one of the pink ones that his sister had given him, and… Read full post »

I lost the Tyrant yesterday for three minutes, and it scared the bejeezus out of me. What is bejeezus, anyway?

We were in her room playing Baby. I was the baby. She told me to go sleep, which is like a dream come true. So I sprawled out on her bed… Read full post »

A short time ago, a Deranged Individual put on his evildoer thinking cap and said, “I know! I’m going to make packets of colorful silicone rubber bands in a bunch of different shapes, and I’ll sell them and make a fortune, and as a bonus, it will drive parents wild and… Read full post »

This morning, the children woke up happily at 7 am and enjoyed a healthy breakfast of whole grain wheat toast, scrambled eggs and orange juice, then proceeded to the car in an orderly fashion to make sure that the Diva didn’t miss the school bus.

BWAAHAHAHA! That has never happened. What… Read full post »

So this morning, as I’m muscling through the weekday morning routine, convincing the Tyrant to wear underwear and dragging the Pterodactyl to the car in his pajamas because he won’t get dressed, a sex maniac was passing by in a limousine. People Magazine was there to record the moment.

I… Read full post »

Hot Firefighter Husband sent me off to boxing class today with this instruction: Don’t come back until you’re in a better frame of mind.

So I packed a bag.

I called him after class to make sure he had not sold the children, and he told me again to take as… Read full post »

The good news is that when faced with incontrovertible evidence that the Santa story is a big mythic scam, the Diva chose to ignore the facts and continue to believe. I’ve got at least a little more time savoring my girl’s adorably narrow view of reality.

The bad news is that… Read full post »

Jesus is not the only reason for the season. The Pterodactyl reminded me of this yesterday, after I spent two hours trying to find him a dreidel, with no success. So I bought him a really cool menorah, which he loves, though he was adamant that we “not play any Hanukkah… Read full post »

This morning, while I was researching the latest news regarding the Tiger Woods affair, the children snuck out onto the wet back porch and began throwing things at the overhead screen to make it rain on them.

As a result, they all had soaking wet heads five minutes… Read full post »

_{The Pterodactyl will be five in a couple of weeks, but he’s having trouble outgrowing the terrible twos.}

_{His tantrums have become legendary, although his teachers claim he’s the sweetest, most disciplined child to ever walk the earth.}

_{He can be. And then he can beat the shit}… Read full post »

The Pterodactyl wanted his little sister’s purse this morning, her pink shiny purse with the enormous heart-shaped rhinestone buckle. She carries it everywhere. It usually contains her Teddy, an old remote control she uses as a cell phone, and something ridiculously inappropriate like a screwdr… Read full post »

Cat crap must be salty. My dog, Damn Gem, loves cat crap. The vet says it’s sort of like an hors d’oeuvre for her, which of course makes me think she should be put down. But we love her, and she’s doesn’t mind at all when the Tyrant tries to/… Read full post »

The Tyrant has piled 14 cans of food, three plastic cups and two nail files atop a plastic cutting board. She says it’s a cupcake store. But it’s keeping her from shredding up the packing tape with kitchen shears, which frankly seemed a little dangerous. 

The Pterodactyl is eating/… Read full post »

One of the nice aspects of being in shape is that when you feel like killing somebody (stay out of my way, suburban cougar lady driving a Cadillac Escalade at the speed of light through the preschool parking lot), instead you can go to the gym and work out/… Read full post »

The other day Hot Firefighter Husband walked into the kitchen with a sticky children’s medicine dispenser that he picked up from the Tyrant’s bedroom and said, “Sometimes I come home and I walk around the house and wonder what goes on around here while I’m gone.” … Read full post »