One of the nice aspects of being in shape is that when you feel like killing somebody (stay out of my way, suburban cougar lady driving a Cadillac Escalade at the speed of light through the preschool parking lot), instead you can go to the gym and work out until you puke or pass out or achieve that rare delicious, delirious state when you actually hear your body talking to you. In real voices.

Working out has become a bit like showering for me, though I actually work out more often than I shower purely due to logistical circumstances. This obviously is not ideal, and my children are the first to tell me when my aura fails to enthrall them. 

Anyway. Sometimes you just need to work out hard and feel bad-ass and strong and unbeatable. If you’re reading this while fondly remembering that 8th grade game of Dodgeball, which is the last time you moved around in a gym, please don’t do this. But if you’re up for a little constructive self-destruction, lace up those sneakers. 

For this, you’ll need a watch with a timer, a jump rope, a towel or mat, a wall, and a place to sprint. 

Warm-up

 3-minute walk, swinging your arms, fast pace. Imagine you’re heading to the restaurant bathroom with your 4-year-old son so you can yell at him in private.

Now run a mile listening to “So What” by Pink on your iPod. 

Circuit

Set up 7 stations:

Jump rope

Plank

Lunges

Push-ups

Wall-sit

Bicycle crunches

Sprint

Descriptions of stations: (give yourself 20 seconds between stations)

Jump Rope - 2 minutes   

Remember how fun that used to be? It’s still fun. This time, though, fling your wrists in circles like you were beating the shit out of that cookie dough. Count at least 100 jumps before you stop to look at your watch. 

Plank - 1 minute 

Lay on your belly. Raise yourself up on your elbows and toes, keeping your body straight like a board. Tighten your abs. Stay there. Look at your watch and realize with horror only 7 seconds have passed. Hang on. Go to your secret happy place. Imagine you’re balancing a glass of fine chardonnay in the small of your back.

Lunges - 15 each leg, alternating

This is a very misunderstood exercise. People think lunging is as easy as walking. It is, if you’re walking with a 4-year-old on your back and a 2-year-old under your arm and bending down every five steps to pick up the shit falling out of your purse. Don’t go fast - keep your feet shoulder width apart. When you go down for your lunge, make sure you’re moving downward, not forward, until your leg is at a 90 degree angle, with your knee above your ankle. Oh - and keep your arms straight up in the air the whole time.

Push-ups - 10

Take it like a man. At least do one like a man. Then if you have to weeny out and do the rest on your knees, go ahead. Try to make your nipples touch the floor. Sorry, flat-chested women. You have to work harder.

Wall sit - 1 minute

Find a wall. Lean against it. Sink down until your legs are at a 90 degree angle, knees above ankles. Hang out for a while. Think of Brad Pitt. Or Jessica Alba, I don’t care. 

Bicycle crunches - 50

Lay on your back, hands behind your head. Bring left knee up to meet right elbow, then vice versa. Do 25 on each side. If your back starts to hurt, that means your abs are weak. So keep going. 

Sprint - 100 yards, or 12 seconds

Run like Rocky going up the steps. Your body will be saying, “Noooo!! Noooo!! I’m too old for this!!” Tell your body to shut the fuck up and work harder. Nothing makes you feel  as strong as your very own body propelling itself forward at a speed close to how fast a man can  find a college football game on television at any time of day. 

Way to go! Give yourself a minute to rest. Drink some water. Now do the whole thing again. 

Twice.