This morning, while I was researching the latest news regarding the Tiger Woods affair, the children snuck out onto the wet back porch and began throwing things at the overhead screen to make it rain on them.

As a result, they all had soaking wet heads five minutes before it was time to leave for school. After my initial aggravation, I realized it was actually a positive development because none of them took baths last night and with wet heads they at least looked showered and clean.

Nonetheless, the Diva missed the bus and the Pterodactyl was late to class, and I was left contemplating how to justify digging up dirt on Tiger Woods' sex life while I was supposed to be getting my kids off to school.

So consider this column a justification.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I must tell you that I've always had a thing for Tiger. I think he's hot. Plus, I love that he's a cool hip black dude amid a bevy of white guys wearing ridiculous visors. And he went to Stanford. And, you know, I'm very athletic and pretty smart, and I used to be a little hot. So I like to think that under different circumstances, I might have had a chance with him. I used to think that. Now I think differently.

Obviously, Tiger's apparent infidelity - while your wife was pregnant, dude? really? - is enough to make his fans reluctantly start cheering for Jim Furyk. Certainly it pissed me off.

Truthfully, though, that's not what's bugging me. What's more upsetting to me is that, after perusing pictures of his wife, Elin, and two of his alleged mistresses, it's clear that I never had a shot with Tiger, and it's sort of hurting my feelings.

Have you seen these women? They make Heidi Klum look like Shrek. They're gorgeously riveting, just stunning. I mean, I might consider sIeeping with them. I suppose it's possible that they all have been additionally blessed with superb wit and intellect. Anything's possible.

I just don't understand it. Lots of stunning, riveting women have fallen in love with men who are physically sort of average. Remember Angelina and Billy Bob Thornton? But can you imagine someone like, say, Brad Pitt in a relationship with...um....Rosie O'Donnell? Okay, that wouldn't work for other reasons. But they're actually the same age. Do you get my point?

This is not a new observation. But in the recent spate of celebrities revealing adulterous relationships, I've just started wondering: Is the penis really that powerful? Maybe it actually has a brain, and acts like a cult leader, sort of a mini-Jim Jones that barks out orders when it's on alert. Maybe it sees beautiful screwable women the way I see a piece of my friend's fudge: I simply must have that piece! You, sir, must find a way to get it! And since, in the case of beautiful men, so many beautiful women are screwable, conflicts naturally ensue.

I'm thinking Hot Firefighter Husband is not going to like this post because a) it implies that he's not hot, and b) for some reason he doesn't like me talking about having sex with other men (or women), even in the abstract. So in closing, I'd like to reassure him that I still think he's totally hot. Besides, now that I understand that I never had a shot with Tiger, I'm not finding Tiger very hot at all.