Hot Firefighter Husband sent me off to boxing class today with this instruction: Don’t come back until you’re in a better frame of mind.

So I packed a bag.

I called him after class to make sure he had not sold the children, and he told me again to take as long as I needed, even an entire hour and a half, which as you probably know is not going to buy me a single nail to pound into the new frame of mind he expects me to have. I’ll have to fake it.

People tell me all the time that I don’t have to work out because I get so much exercise chasing three kids. That’s ridiculous. I have to work out because a.) I need to be strong enough to chase three kids, and b.) I need to be fast enough to run away from my three kids. After boxing this morning, my friend Enn said she needed to spar so she didn’t go home and beat her son. She was kidding, but barely. Being a parent really makes you understand child abuse a little more clearly. I’m not talking about horrific, systemic child abuse, but rather the occasional abusive bouts born of exasperation, like when your toddler refuses to leave the house without the purple tutu she peed all over and you have to literally bite your tongue so you don’t shout, “SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THE GODDAMN TUTU AND GET IN THE CAR!”

Or when you’re sitting on the couch watching television with your son and he won’t stop trying to put his hands under your shirt because he thinks bras are hilarious, and it’s skeeving you out so badly that you want to tie his hands together and say, “YOU COULD BE ARRESTED FOR THIS!” Hypothetically, of course.

Children have no sense, and it’s irritating. “Son,” I’ll say, “if you will just put on your pajamas, you can watch two more episodes of ‘Spongebob Squarepants.’” But apparently it’s more entertaining to refuse and subsequently watch your mother try really hard not to tie pajama pants around your neck. And what’s up with this pathological obsession with googly eyes? Yes, children, you can make a vampire bat without googly eyes, and it will still be very scary. Sometimes – most of the time, in fact – there just aren’t any googly eyes in the house and you’ve got to accept that and move on.

So it’s important to have an outlet, and boxing provides an opportunity to beat someone up without repercussions — that someone being yourself, of course. Today’s workout will leave you battered and sore, and way too tired to care that your daughter has put princess stickers all over the couch.
You’ll need boxing gloves and a bag, or a partner with mitts, and a jump rope.

1. Start with a 5-minute circuit. Do each exercise for 45 seconds, and then take 15 seconds to move to the next exercise.
jump rope
mountain climbers
burpees
squat jumps
roundhouse kicks on the bag, or front push-kicks

2. Put on your boxing gloves for a 5-minute round.
jab/cross/jab/cross
hook/hook/hook/hook
uppercut/cut/cut/cut
Do this combo for 2 minutes.
Then:
jab/cross/hook
duck/duck
Do this for 2 minutes.
Then:
1-minute speed round of
jab/cross/hook/hook

3. Do the circuit again.

4. Either switch partners, or do the boxing routine again.

5. Do the circuit again.

6. Boxing routine #2
Do the same routine but leading with your power arm this time all the way through.

7. Do the circuit again.

8. Either switch partners, or do the boxing routine #2 again.

Finish with a really slow 10-minute run, just to get your breathing back to normal.

Now go be a good mom. Or dad, I guess, if any men are brave enough to try this. Remember, puking can be cleansing.

Peace out.