Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It uses a gallon of fuel to travel 44 feet, which is appalling, but oddly familiar, since while on board I needed a good swig of mojito to walk up a single flight of stairs. Fortunately, acquiring rum wasn’t a problem, since the Allure has 40-something bars on board. Really. You can’t walk across the deck without circling around a bar. And in case you aren’t inclined to walk across the deck, a man from Trinidad will bring you a drink, mix it in front of you, then balance a bottle of rum on his head while dancing to reggae music.
We had an excellent time on the cruise. There was just the bare minimum of family drama, and the Pterodactyl only threw one major tantrum featuring a small amount of blood. Also, the Diva spent $75 at the per pound candy shop, the Tyrant perfected her “I’m Sexy and I Know It” moves, and Hot Firefighter Husband drank so much rum punch he broke a tooth.
But the big news is that Team Booker DOMINATED this cruise. My father won the Sexiest Man in the World contest (AGAIN!). White tube socks must be making a comeback. Also, the Tyrant won the Hula Hoop contest through some crafty cheating, and my sister’s boyfriend came in second place in the GUESTS VS. CREW water volleyball competition. He is 6’5″ and weighs over 300 pounds. He spiked a couple of players into near concussive states. I played, too, but my team came in last.
HOWEVER! Listen to this! My brother-in-law and I WON GOLD MEDALS DOING THE TWIST IN THE DANCE COMPETITION! Me! Seriously! To be honest, another couple was much better than us, but I accidentally flashed my royal blue thong underwear (TWICE) which possibly secured the victory. I do what it takes, people.
After seven days at sea, we’re back to reality, which means laundry and grocery shopping and blogging. That last thing isn’t really a chore, and I totally would have blogged from sea if Hot Firefighter Husband hadn’t told me not to. He insisted I drink mojitos instead. BASTARD. He’s lucky I didn’t break a tooth.
But I’m back, and pulling on my writing pants one leg at a time. I feel like I have so much to tell you, but it’s bottled up like catsup and I need a good pop on the bottom to get started. Husband will probably oblige (hee hee!) and then it will all come spilling out. In the meantime, enjoy these cruising tips.
1. When cruising, try to mute any inner eco-minded voice reminded you of the ship’s environmental impact on the ocean. Rum, for example, mutes nicely.
2. Use hand sanitizer at least 72 times each day.
3. Eat meals at weird times to avoid the animals at the trough the crowds swarming the buffets. Stick to the surprising array of healthy options – stay away from items labeled “beef moussaka casserole” or “sauteed cod with almond crust and creamed vegetables.”
4. Women should shave their legs at the last possible minute before boarding, as shaving in the coffin-sized shower is difficult.
5. Don’t scream every time your 5-year-old approaches the ship’s railing. It upsets people.
That’s all for now, peeps. Missed you!