The open call is a longstanding tradition here in OS. There have been a lot of good ones, resulting in some great writing. There have also been some which were a little silly. My favorite still remains one from last year which read - and I'm not making this up - "How Much Stuff Can You Shove Up Your Ass?"
In the spirit of the butt insertion post, I'm issuing an open call for the most ridiculous open call you can come up with. Here are a few of my suggestions in that vein:
1. What REO Speedwagon song would you prefer to have played at your funeral?
2. If you were forced to murder your spouse, what means would you use and how would you dispose of the body?
3. Which of the Three Stooges does your haircut most closely resemble?
4. Write a poem (either haiku or villanelle) describing the one incident in your life you're most ashamed of.
5. Which parent/sibling/teacher/other is most responsible for the way you've turned out? (Note: this one must include a detailed list of all relevant mental conditions)
6. If you had to apologize to someone in Open Salon, who would it be? What did they do to you? What did you do to them? Don't be shy on this one; name names, give dates and times, omit no detail no matter how squalid, and by all means qualify your apology with "But the cocksucker had it coming anyway."
7. In 1,500 w0rds or less, describe how your potty training went wrong and why you're scarred for life as a result.
8. Explain why you still unwaveringly support Barack Obama even though he's done little to fulfill his campaign pledges or to renounce the more sinister Bush administration legacies. I'm just curious.
9. What is your favorite STD? Please explain why.
10. Which bodily function and/or porno actress first comes to mind when you think of Sarah Palin?
11. Describe, in exactly 101 words, what you imagine the universe looked like before the Big Bang. Feel free to include pictures you've hijacked off the Web.
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ccdarling
elegant mistake
DiBi
l'Heure Bleue
scottcvoss
Sirenita Lake
Salon.com
Comments
Then I'd like to have the album shoved up my dead ass.
Trig, take as long as you need, but the 101 words is NOT optional.
ThroughMyEyes, I'll never forgive you for that unsolicited bit of criticism:(
BlindDog, you're right; there's a certain warmth to analog recording which can't be reproduced in digital format. Especially when it's up your ass.
Rita, just for that you've got to find and post a YouTube vid of Kumbaya.
Tom, Harry, I see you're both on the same page. What IS the most stuff you guys have shoved up your ass?
This wins the award as the funkiest and best open call ever.
Larry, the winner gets an all-expenses paid trip to the next OS meetup in Sheboygan Heights. That or a case of Thin Mints.
You get extra points for doing them concurrently Z, especially while drunk. And speaking of that, I'm looking forward to the results from your dust up survey. Enquiring minds want to know!
Dorinda, it's on account of my one-time infatuation with huffing glue. I gave that up though; now I only huff spray paint.
You must have been reading my mind Don; I almost included one asking how many days old would roadkill have to be before you wouldn't eat it.
Rita, you don't wanna go there....
Thanks Lady M! I'll put you down for "all of the above."
MrsRaptor; (using my Columbo voice) "has anyone seen your husband recently?"
Rated for FRAKKIN HILARIOUS.
1. If you're gonna play REO Speedwagon at my funeral, then I'm committing suicide.
2. I'd beat her to death in the middle of winter with a giant icicle and then watch the evidence melt away.
10. Vomiting and diarrhea at the same time.
11. The universe was chaos, like Open Salon.
Sheila; Gus's contribution was funnier than any of mine. He's going to pay for that:[
John; hah!
Cartouche, it wasn't an oversight. I just don't see how I could limit myself to 101 words on that one.
Vanessa, Gus would have to hash out with Larry who gets the thin mints.
VR, I've got it too. Even worse, I've got the Asia: Collected Works box set, including their little-known take on the soundtrack of "Cats."
I think I've seen them Stacy. Didn't they open for Bad Potty Training in St. Louis last year?
Cranky, so far you're a shoo-in for the case of Thin Mints grand prize, though due to budget cuts you'll have to drive to Sheboygan Heights to pick them up.
When someone is irritating the hell out of the boyfriend and me, we ask a short-cut version of the question: "Rosie Perez, Paul Reiser, or [other irritating person]?"
Not that anyone cares, but I'm going with Paul Reiser. I'd kill myself if I had to listen to Rosie Perez. But hey--then someone could play a little REO Speedwagon at my funeral.
And the bastard totally had it coming!
Hang on ... nan, it's ok - I just figured something out.
That is so cool !
Can we combine all eleven into one epic story?
http://open.salon.com/blog/idahospud44/2010/04/07/the_lame_left_is_doing_it_all_over_again-1984_repeat
http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/promises/rulings/promise-kept/
Describe what you were doing the last time you sung along to ALL the words of Stairway to Heaven.
Sirenita, I'll expect a post on that from you soon, with it's accompanying well-deserved EP. No one could do it better.
Thanks Scanner. I hope when you said "one up there in me" you weren't referring to how much stuff you can....well, you know:)
Mr. Fawkes, thanks for visiting my blog. As much as I despise internet spammers, I doubt any normal human could survive more than a week on that diet.
Steve, as I mentioned to Zuma, you get extra points for answering these concurrently. A post doing all eleven at once would be guaranteed to make cover and EP and quite likely a Pulitzer as well.
Trudge, it's scary down here in the gutter. Why do we enjoy it so much?
MrsRaptor, I'll have to take your word on that. Until the CSI guys show up.
Doc, you channel the post-masturbatory guilt into growing nuclear taters outside of Pocatello. And I'll go read your take on #8.
Ofeelya; you should have stayed out of that willow tree, at least until after you had swimming lessons.
Buffy, it was an accident!
Z, I'll expect that across my desk by cocktail hour tomorrow. That's approximately any time after midmorning where I'm at.
Natalie, Walter, your entries earn each of you at least a partial share in the case of Thin Mints. Did you catch the party at the male yeast infection post?
Hitch hiking freeway
Cop yells "Jump over the fence"
Jeans hooked; moon thousands.
Patricia, if by how many in a row you mean on consecutive days, the answer is nearly unlimited. Except for Sundays, when it's blasphemy.
That was the goal Delia:)
And Stellaa; I've always thought chlamydia sounded nice and home-like too. Except for the copious amounts of pustulent discharge.
And Natalie, no, no, no, the penicillin knocked that out daaaays ago.
the point of this isn't really to get anyone to write it up, just to see how many PMs the servers can handle within the five minutes after this comment hits.
~ evilly grinning ~
(is "evilly" even a word?)
Don't be evill Candace! (Is that how you spell it? My confidence is shaken since you spell-checked me at Blue in Tx's post last night.)
Partying with conviction
Not yeast infection
Taking that penicillin
Or the medicine that’s fillin’
That outlaw is a beast
When he’s infected with the yeast
Cap'n, I'll do with my boobs as I like; that's the essence of liberation.
Check your inbox Natalie K, I've just sent you a box of Thin Mints. Outstanding.
Firestorm; you get Dos-Ee-Dos!
Designanator, my brain is still recovering from watching the paint dry over there. It's better than thorazine.
Ric; nice choice, though personally I'd go with Michelle Bachman. Or wait, does batshit crazy count as evil?
Kim, that's one which always struck me as a little weird. I mean, I've used the term myself, but when examined objectively it's just a bizarre thing to say.
Now I want to know about the tags but if I tell you some well meaning busybody will want to help me. No. I want to be contrary. Screw the busybodies, screw the tags, screw conflicting desires. My family is really normal, lots of people boil duck heads and chicken feet without spices. Who are you to judge me and my evil thoughts about OS. Screw the stupid tree photo button too.
I am too tense for inner conflict, I'm going to pop over and look at the video of you bonking your head. Thank you nanatehay, I feel cheerful again.
And Bleue, kudos to you for overcoming your fucked up tag desires. Sometimes I succeed in that myself; at others I fall by the wayside alas. But duck heads you say? Please, look at the vid of me bonking my head if it will help, I didn't bleed much and anything which assuages the need to cook macabre bits of poultry is a good thing.
I'll never forget lying on the floor, screaming in fear and pain and watching that lone cheerio fall from the ceiling. And people wonder why I wear astronaut diapers.
good post bro.
1. What REO Speedwagon song would you prefer to have played at your funeral?
And go with ALL WITH THEM!!! Teehehee!! :D
And speaking of that Tink, I'm greatly saddened that you didn't address the burning question: "How Much Stuff Can You Shove Up Your Ass?" Please bear in mind that said stuff must be up your ass simultaneously. No cheating!
And I think you two are onto something. Anyone trying to start a new account in OS should be forced to do the 11 problems set forth in this post as a precondition for joining. It would at least keep out the spammers.
and all the comments were like this hilarious party i missed.
but i can read about it now.
nothing funny to say - wish i were funnier - thanks though.
A few posts that I have read in the past week or so all make sense now!
Some OSers didn't label their shit as an Open Call...
;-)