I don't care what the new rules are; this post is going right on the cover.

Dear friend,

This post is right on the Cover!!

Wooo!!!

Right next to my comment to SO, YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE A GAY FIGHTER PILOT....aSDFGH sure can write when he wants to!!!!

I have something to admit to, I sometimes watch ICarly cause I can!!! ~TEARS~

I watch Lifetime Movies of the Day because I want to tear up about love and lost love!! ~even more tears~

Sometimes I touch myself thinking about Mitt Romney.

~WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~

as long a you= a buffy fan,
boyo...

that it all that matters here in the post apocalypse...

well, except for other shit that matters like
bob dylan=70,
etc

i think the old timers have all gone to the rodeo and the new folks don't have a clue how OS works, or don't care. the experiment could be failing in front of our eyes. feeling a bit low-down are we?

I know someone else with long toenails like that.
I make him cut them hahaha
rated with hugs

I'm mortified just to be reading this! My dog Bentley has you beat for utterly disgusting, though--he raids the kitty litter box for snacks! Don't tell Tink!

Thank you all for your empathy. I'm wondering if I should change the title of this post to I WAS A TEEN-AGE PEE DRINKER.

Cripes, when you go personal you go all the way! Why not go ahead and tell about the time you put your car in park at full highway speed?
Andddd, give me a minute to think. Bet I can come up with some more..

For fifty bucks I'll fix those toenails for ya with a sawzall with a metal blade... as long as you soak 'em in acetone for five minutes beforehand

Cripes, when you go personal you go all the way! Why not go ahead and tell about the time you put your car in park at full highway speed?
Andddd, give me a minute to think. Bet I can come up with some more..

For fifty bucks I'll fix those toenails for ya with a sawzall with a metal blade... as long as you soak 'em in acetone for five minutes beforehand.

And yes, Emily will love this.

Tried fifty times to rate. Took five minutes for the previous comment to go through, so long that I had time to edit and add the thing about Emily.

Just uploaded pics and a movie of E's graduation last night and was going to post, but have changed my mind. I wasn't born with enough patience.

I don't post very often, and never have I posted anything of this import, so when OS won't even let me look at my blog it FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. This may be my last post here.

I got to No. 4 and decided this post was TMI. I hope I didn't miss anything important in the rest of it.

One thing that being online has taught me is that there is no such thing as TMI. If you don't read past #4 you'll miss the eviscerated goat. :(

OK you are a pee drinker, but are you also a nymphomaniac, a narcoleptic, a MENSA cult member, have you changed your mother's diaper and have you tricked a religious group that you are pregnant? Are your parents bi-polar and your nanny a schizophrenic? These are just from one poster ... they got you beat.

I've heard that Boone's Farm tastes like shit.
I guess it's a toss up between that and urine.

1. Don't even pretend this is the first time.

2....

3. You mean leg warmers like in Flashdance? They're awesome.

5. Felicity sucked.

7. Doesn't surprise me in the least.

Gack. A pee slurpee (oops, that mess on the floor isn't DOG vomit).

This is probably not the right time to mention good taste.

I am mortified for you. How embarrassing to come up with eight items. I could only think of one, and I forget what it was. :)

naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanananananananana -
i used to have a mad crazy crush on you.
now? not so much.
i think it was the leg warmers that put me over the edge...

Rita, that person is one of my alter egos, so no worries. Not that I have alter egos; to do so would be against the OS TOS.

IQ, wait, come back, these anecdotes sound far worse online than they would over a caramel macchiato!

˙ssıd ʞuıɹp ʇou oʇ 'ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo puɐ ˙ǝʌıʇɐʌɹǝsuoɔ ǝɹoɯ ǝןʇʇıן ɐ buıɥʇǝɯos ɥʇıʍ ʎɐʇs puɐ sɹoʌɐןɟ-oqɯoɔ ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ ʎɐʍɐ ɹǝǝʇs oʇ ʇsǝq s,ʇı ɯɹɐɟ s,ǝuooq ɥʇıʍ ˙ɹoʌɐןɟ ǝɥʇ uo spuǝdǝp ןןɐ ʇı 'ʎɹɹɐן

Holly, Noel was the one and it always disturbed me that Felicity couldn't see that.

Natalie, yes, like in Flashdance but more masculine. Or not more masculine, actually. I don't know what I was thinking. How could you not like Felicity?

Myriad, it's true, my kitchen has at least the potential if not the daily reality of multiple species of vomit.

AKA; we need a drumroll for that one!

Oryoki, I could have gone on indefinitely but figured eight was enough to get me on the cover.

But Loriannnnnne, leg warmers are very masculine!

I was referring to MY kitchen floor after reading about the pee slurpee. (Where's the damned dog? He normally takes care of things like that.)

I have done similar things, not the eating off floors part but I just may have snorted or smoked a few cat turds back in the day. Eating at Nanatehays does not sound like a very good idea maybe some brews and a couple of lines would be better.

This is what I like to call "brutal honesty." Trouble is, I'm not sure who it's more brutal for - you or your readers. ;-)

okay, so that's wa-a-a-ay too much information.
this gnome is outta here!

It's all disgusting and mortifying, but well within the realm of plausibility....but I don't believe any of it...except the toenail part...

That Devo album contained the anthem of a generation!

Jack, snorting cat feces can give you histoplasmosis. Of course, snorting stuff that's not cat feces can give you cardiac arrest, mental illness, jail, and death, so I guess it's a fair trade-off. Drop by any time for a few lines or at least some tapas.

Jeanette, thank you for understanding the pain and courage it took me to write this. :D

Padraig! Is Tunbridge Wells Orson's younger brother? I can empathize with a figure like that, someone who, though never as corpulent as his sibling, was yet ne'er as well-respected either. I find the poignancy of such a situation heartrendering.

Cyril, you leave me bereft!

Gary, this is all gospel truth, though probably I shouldn't 'fess to that. I'm listening to "Uncontrollable Urge" right now and trying not to dance.

And Myriad, why even have a dog if it's not willing to eat inconvenient pools of ejectimenta?

Now you have me wondering the quintessential question: whose piss was it?

It was one of the neighbors, a kid about my age who was partying in his Chevy Vega in his driveway then whipped the poison chalice of his micturations off into the pasture. I didn't learn that 'til the next day.

I will help to keep this post on the cover.

Why, it is worthy of an Epee.

"4. Sometimes when I poop, the force of my exertions (I can be quite forceful) causes water to splash up on my butt cheeks. This is especially true of public restrooms, where there is often only a couple of inches between me and ground zero."

Nothing is worse...except for dog vomit rice crispies.

Bless you. I will never have an appetite again! Now I can lose weight.

much as i would like to be on the cover, there are depths to which no gentleman will sink. unless the price is right, or the young lady is wavering...

Okay so check this out, I used to work with a tobacco chewer, and a coffee addict, the chewer would spit his crud into coffee cups, the coffee drinker wasn't much for details, until one day. I've never seen anybody projectile vomit with that much velocity, ever. Musta been thirty feet easy.
And DEVO rocks, viva Mark Motherswhatever.

Nana dear,

This is so gruesome
it drew my soul
like a
dead corpse
lying in
a field
decaying
as maggots
crawl
in and out of
the open
bloody, oozing sores....

with the utmost respect

Rated

Good word. I can't wait till I can use "micturations " as a synonym for urination in casual conversation.

A Chevy Vega ... fills out the story and seems so fitting.

Zuma, this post pretty much ruined my appetite too. In my case that's just as well.

Al, I've found that, for me, if wavering is involved pretty much everything is on the table.

Joe, Devo wasn't afraid to rock in a really weird way and for that I salute them. Your story reminds me of another anecdote from college days I should have included in this post. A guy who lived down the hall in my dorm chewed tobacco, and he always spit into a Coke can, and one day I forgot about that and grabbed the Coke can 'cause we'd just smoked a fattie and I had a cottonmouth and... well, until you've experienced projectile vomiting personally it's just a meaningless phrase.

Morticia, I take that as high praise indeed!

Padraig, betel spit is one of the few bodily fluids I've not had to dodge in my life. Knock on wood.

Scarlett, I learned the word "micturation" from a LPN I used to go out with. Aside from her snazzy medical vocabulary she always had Xanax and, because she worked for a dentist, pharmaceutical liquid cocaine. God I miss that woman.

Did you give Tink your password? I suspect so.

Tink is another one of my alter egos. Not that I have any alter egos, that would be wrong...

write up the PTGR - say it's become a lifelong affliction for which you have sought nontraditional therapy, i.e., writing about every revolting instance and what came up and what it tasted like. cinch for the cover.

oh, and don't puke in my car, 'k?

what does one *do* with pharmaceutical liquid cocaine? drink it? is it better than the old dirty street stuff? i shouldn't be asking these questions. brings back fabulous/horrible feelings. wait. who?

Is PTGR in the DSM? If so this post is cover-guaranteed. Regarding the uses of liquid pharmaceutical cocaine, though they don't include drinking it they're only limited by one's imagination. Alice also had this thing she could do with ice cubes in her mouth...

I have many alter egos, all of them named Biff. I've read the TOS --- you can have as many alter egos as you want as long as they're named Biff!!

~nodding~

Or Tiffany.

But I stay away from female alter egos, gets me in trouble. Gawd!! One more marriage purposal from Asdfgh hgfdsa and I'll...well....probably go out and pick a white wedding dress! TEEHEE!! :D

I seem to remember you've had difficulties with wedding dresses before, Tink. Being found by state troopers in a bespattered bathroom stall at the Waffle House with a white dress hiked up over your still-turgid loins is an ugly way to leave this vale of tears.

Wait, what?

NANA, those were the good ole days, we thought they'd never end, but they did!! WAAAAA!

By the way, you've never looked more awesome than you do right now. I'd do you so hard you'd be walking funny for weeks!! GRRRRRR!! PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

:D

As a gay fighter pilot I highly approve.
No wait- wrong Tink.

Ian, tonight is The Night of the Tinks....ver. 67 - 1 are waiting to be built!! Wait, what? :D

Tink, how kinky would it be if we hooked up while wearing the same avatar? I'm going to West Virginia again this summer and will be passing through your neck of the woods; I'll let you know when I get to that crack motel in Frankfort right off the Interstate and we'll take it from there.

Ian, I've seen Top Gun; is there any other kind of fighter pilot besides the gay ones?

Tink: P-U-U-U-U-HRRRRRR!!!

Nana, it'd be beyond kinky!! And yeah, I'll wear my hooker boots and bring some crack. I got lots. Teeheehee!! ;D

(I should blog about the time I dated a fighter pilot. Turned him straight. I have that power.....:D)

Damn- now that's a party I'd like to get in on- or make incriminating youtube vids about

Ah yes...... a new "T" man. A particularly 'Sicks - T - Ate' one.

69, we pretty much know what you ate - the range of options is not large; but that doppleganger of yours ingests oddities that far exceed one's imagination.

Ooooooo.........!
.

Ian, everyone is of course welcome to our parties, though it's usually a BYOCAN (bring your own cocaine and nitrous) kind of thing.

Sky, Tink has never publicly acknowledged the role I played in teaching him about purrrverrsity on the Internet. Or wait, maybe he taught me. Regardless, I was left with no option but to viciously assail his character in this post.

Great- I'll bring a goodly assortment of pharmaceuticals, Charlie Sheen's abandoned goddesses, a camera and wear a flight suit...

still-turgid, that's the ticket!! way better than used-to-be turgid.

could you guys at least use different avatars? i hate having to look at the numbers to figure out who-tf is talking.

Nana, I corrupted you!!!! Or maybe you corrupted the Ed I Tor.

Gawd, I'm so confused!!!!!

Ian, I like the way you think. It grieves me that Charlie's goddesses are pining for him right now and need something to fill the gaping holes in their... lives.

Wait, I didn't say that, it was something I read on TMZ. Really! :(

Candace, I may have forgot how to change back to my previous avatar, there are several complicated steps invovled. It worries me slightly that, even in a filthy restroom at the Waffle House with a man down you're thinking "ah-ha, still-turgid!"

Tink, I blame Natalie. If not for her I'd never have read your blog and would still think Open Salon is a place for decent, god-fearing people.

Open.Salon is for EVERYBODY!! Except the decent folks, who wants them, unless they're naked and in my bed!! **Giggle**

You two better be naked and in my bed quickly, or I'll paddle your butts red!!!! **Grrrr** **Giggle**

i decided to give myself an pretty kitty alter and a new name, so i logged out as me and signed up as kandykat. did you know there's now a captcha on new signups? whoa. techno-leap. except it doesn't seem to have stopped Natanial Butts (see new posts).

but when i tried to log in as kandykat, the spinny wheel thingie just kept going 'round and 'round and 'round and ... so i gave the fuck up and closed that window, came back as me -- and found out that the s/w hadn't ever logged me out! whoa again!! eats comments and doesn't log you out. won't let you rate. and when it does sort of run, even if slooooooooooowly, there's such fascinating, interesting stuff to read, like, you know. about gag reflexes and all.

i WANTED to be kandykat. dammit.

Candace, you go ahead and be kandykat!!! Sometimes, you just have to keep going and going till the little thingy stops spinning!! **Giggle**

:D

I missed you, man!

Mary, my butt comes in a default shade of red, or sorta pinkish actually, at least in its natural state. Once it goes turbid all bets are off, much like a mandrill or similar forest primate.

From this moment forward, Candace will always be kANDyKat to me. It's not like I even have an option, really.

Cappy! Er, I mean, Major! With your appearance on this thread it's almost like old times here with full Gutter Krewage and stuff! I luv ya man, I really do, but not like a mandrill or similar forest primate.

You guys are crazy. I LOVE crazy guys.

We love you too, Darla. If you ever need a hand with your syntax please message me. Better yet, contact me at my homepage at http//studcakes_content_thothstudent.net. Oh yeahhhhhh...

Darla, I just read your first post. Wow. Too sad. :(

Now I'm depressed. Stupid life.

Think I'm heading off to bed my friends!!

((group hug)) ((group fondles))

*Wanders off into the thorn bushes*

ow...it was really shockin' on me that no.7

that he drank a pee!!!!!OMG!!!

and thank yo for a comment=)
bless you!!

Tink, you better be writing a post due to be published at 4AM like in the old days. I luv ya man, though in a slightly less mandrillish way than I luv Cappy. Yeah yeah, I know, but Mormons turn me on.

Jaimie K, it was my pleasure to comment on your blog earlier. You seem like a very nice person. Welcome to Open Salon!

nanananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - "I'm listening to "Uncontrollable Urge" right now and trying not to dance."

Now i adore you again... mad crazy crush reinstated due to excellent music taste and the good sense not to dance.

LORIANNNNE! My OWN self feels the same way, and ne'er for a moment did my love for you falter. But... I did dance, and not just to Devo but also to Talking Heads and a Jane's Addiction album I played afterward. In my defense, no one witnessed my dancing but the pups (the kitties were outside) and myself as I periodically swang past the mirror to see how cool I looked.

{pssst: I didn't look that cool}

There was also an episode with Blondie's "Heart of Glass" but the less said the better, eh?

what is a leg warmer? why would a grown person feel embarrassed thinking he wore it everywhere as a young person?

if you had put in some more thought into this - it could have been a great piece of "mortifying details of my sordid life"

well, you could only post about details about your own life unless you are every one else's lover that hates them or a yellow journalist. posting about your own life is the most honest thing you can do rather than discuss other people's lives on the world wide web.

the web is for the users to do what they will, with it - play, maul, mine - whatever - long as they keep from destroying other people's lives or their peace of mind, I think it is ok.

God protect us from Americans - what in the name of all thats hairy is wrong with eating dog vomit?

We eat Birds Nest soup made from hard to source Bird Spit and yesterday i saw a european - not to be confused with a Brit eat the contents of his nose whilst stuck in a car jam?

Wimps.......all of you.

"Press send please FRed(tm) and pass the kleenex it's dry by now and I missed breakfast".

Oh yes - rated with an Ug........ sorry Linda

I am not V.Wolf or Padraig or Rolling either - thank you.

I have been on an intense tirade and now even benign things I write look 'snappy'. Nana, this is benign, curious questions about things I don't know, a general view and my honest opinion.

What is the code for inverted writing?

Why were you orienteering through that pasture in the high weeds on a cold night? Lose something?

Your big toenail makes you a Velociraptor, you know. Nanaraptor, I shall call you.

You have lived a very exciting life! r.

GROSS!

I was thinking of mentioning to Xenon what kind of sandwich goes with a piss slurpee. But I won't because I just got up and it's time for brekkies (urp).

I think this post and comments constitute some kind of, well not high point exactly, unless one has got into the liquid cocaine, but some kind of marker that will not soon be surpassed.

You have great material here. Parcel them out, one at a time and the cover will be yours. Or trade them for scorching comments and multiple ratings by the OSAEA (Open Salon Alter Ego Assemblage.)

Never drank any Pee but did eat a Baby Ruth bar that smell a little funny!

I just had to read it . . . now it's stuck in my head for the rest of the day . . . ::walks away shaking head::

Wow. Ummm... ok. From both your post and to several commentors - if you don't like my posts, don't read them. Seems simple enough to me. For the life of me, I can't even figure out how I've made it on the cover so freakin' often. Some of my are embarrassingly badly written in only 10 minutes. But, I have to say - atleast mine are more interesting than some I've read about best pie recipes, excruciatingly bad poetry, beating the dead, yet tragic horse of a deceased child or complaining about walking into a job interview without reading the job description. And, at least, every last word of mine are true. So, if you don't like it - don't read it.

Really? Not cool. Very disrespectful and not funny at all. This was done in extremely poor taste. If this is your last post, I must say, I'm not sorry to see you go.

Not rated.

If you thought this was in bad taste, you should have been around during the heydays of the Gutter Krew. We did stuff 10x worse than this and with more intent at thumbing our noses at the man.

Back in the day we would mention you in direct name calling as in the name DR. AMY who never once charged in AFTER the fact, she would put out hit contracts on us but well, that was her way of saying, "I LOVE YOU!"

Gawd, I miss that woman!!!

This was done all in fun, no target, except the general area of How to Get on the Cover.

And well, we were bored. I was on Tylenol PMs and cough syrup. It's like cocaine if you're drug dealer is like in the prison or on vacation and you haven't found a new one you can trust.

Sick and tasteless is our motto in the Gutter Krew(we spell it with a K so we can be cool, which we ain't, we know that, you don't have to tell us!!!!) and we're also chronic something a rather.

Exactly, if you don't like us, don't read us. That street works both way. But actually, we hope you do read us, we have an ego problem as well and when people don't read us, we get really sad....

READ US!! LOVE US!!! BECOME ONE OF US!!!!!

Sorry, got a little winded there.....

**Raises his glass of lemonade** To the Gutter Krew, all of us still blogging about candiru catfishes, to the Cover, she seems to be part of the problem but also the solution, to Ed I Tor, who we have made fun of, with and against since 2008, to Walter the one eyed monkey, who got us that batch of cocaine and hookers, to Mary Lin for her spamming ways which seem to have changed, and to you all, you are beautiful, in your own special way!!!

Nana, to you, for bringing back the sexy, I know this is not your final post, as your final post will be about snorting drano off the back of a 98 year old prostitute from Guam. Open would be lost without you, you inspired me to write my article about my time as a male prositute in the AfterLife which won me my first EP, no cover.

You are my brother from another mother and father. I love you man, no matter what your fan club says. **Tears**

**Singing** THESE ARE THE DAYS OF LIVES.......

Sorry, got a little emotional there. I wish people from this time could see the good ole days......before the Mop even.......

**more tears**

Good night and have a better tommorrow.....

**Wanders off into the thorn bushes**

P.S.

You should have seen the other titles he had for this....~tears~ Scared my goat herd!!! EEK!!!

:D

**Wanders back in** Damn, forgot to say last night --- I would blame Natalie too, except I love her too much, like that sister who we discovered at Walmart, long lost and all that jazz!!!

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL!!

There, that's all better, all feel good and stuff.

*snort* i love when people dont get it.

nananananana! im so glad we're back in lust again.

tink? "Gutter Krew(we spell it with a K so we can be cool, which we ain't.." i am TOO cool...damn it!

lorianne, we're not cool, we're kool!! ;D

Micturation? I didn't see you use the word anywhere here. Now I have to decide whether to go back and read it again in case there was an oversight. Tough decision.

I spent an hour trying to get in here last night to comment but eventually gave up, and now I see that this post hasn't even made the cover! To everyone who made me laugh with their comments: thanks for playing. To Darla: thank you for visiting my blog, and congrats on making the cover as often as you have. I don't read posts on the cover very often but I'll take your word for it. To Heinz: your comment reminds me of Droopy Dog, which is kinda sad considering your macho Nazi-dude avatar. Please know that I value your self-righteous indignation; this comment thread wouldn't have been complete without some of that.

I'm off now to read about Orson Kart on Wikipedia.

well, i tried to leave a comment, but os ate it
can't remember what I wrote, but it had eiw somewhere in there

As I said to IQ the other night, these anecdotes are less disgusting in person than they are online. I've often used them - and more horrific stories - to break the ice in social situations, and it works every time.

Nana, Emily likes posts with pictures.

If you had included a picture of yourself wearing the leg warmers, this post would be on the cover by now and for the long holiday weekend.

You're right Larry; how could I have forgotten Emily's penchant for evocative imagery? I'm off to Photoshop to see if I can whip something up. With a little luck my leg-warmered self will be staring out from the cover 'til at least next Tuesday.

It's very puzzling: I'm doing a Google image search and so far haven't found a single pic of a man wearing leg warmers.

Problem solved. Now it's just a matter of sitting back and waiting for that EP.

Nana, one more suggestion (if I may).

How about adding some Flashdance "Maniac" music.

BWahahhahah
(and I'm hoping you add the music, too)

uh, just don't make it loop and come up immediately like Larry did with the Bonnie post

Just a steel-town girl on a Saturday night!

If I knew how to loop it and make it come up immediately, I would. Sadly I don't have Larry's twisted genius.

Oh YES YES YES - pink leg-warmers with purple tights! Such a perfect cover photo. Hey, and your dancing looks like it IS pretty cool. Or at least pretty.

Stunning as you are, I'm afraid you have a long way to go before you're in the league of America's Next Top Model's incomparable Miss J.

http://www.holtrenfrew.com/holts/images/landing-pages/Miss-J-collage.jpg

There is nothing on the cover that compares to this.

(if you want the code for the video to play automatically ... just let me know)

piss looks like beer, so I can understand !

Myriad: I feel pretty, oh so pretty, pretty and witty and... well, you can see where I'm going there. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Marjie, thank you for acknowledging my stunningness, though it grieves me you didn't rate this post. Thank you also for the link, which I will certainly check out if you rate this post.

Leepin, my hope is to set new benchmarks for how fabulous a cover post can be.

IQ, it sickens me that men can't wear extremely short, tight work-out shorts without being considered gay. It SICKENS ME!

Johnny, piss is only beer in its penultimate form. Why didn't you rate this post?

I found one of my knobs..........

Hell, Nana . . . Just when I thought "I" was nuts! LOL

j/k

-R-

Most of us figured out that if you put paper down first, there isn't any splashback - you know it isn't just water, right ?

I don't feel like commenting about the other thing.

You are the finest writer and, probably, the best human being there is.

Johnny, what's this about knobs? RATE MY POST YOU COCKSUCKER!

Lady M, we're all nuts together, that's always been my take.

Kim, surely you're not suggesting that a person needs to put a layer of toilet paper over the surface of the water before pooping? That is just insane.

Trey: sycophants are foul creatures. Thank you for your foulness.

Like I said, at the point of exertion, what you are dealing with is "beyond " water.
I live alone, and even I wipe the seat before I sit on it - don't you ?
So the paper used to wipe the seat becomes a sort of "shock absorption" pad ( listen, fucker, you started this - remember the yeast wars ? )

OK, now you're just trying to prey on my obsessive (or possibly compulsive) nature. You SAID "if you put paper down first" which to me suggests someone leaning maniacally over their toilet placing a layer of tissue over the water surface. If, on the other hand, you just meant wiping down the seat before sitting on it, well, I don't do that either. Regarding the *point of exertion* as you call it, we all must deal with these demons as best we can with little or no help from society.

Padraig, please tell Kim he's an Antipodean lunatic for his approach to restroom activities.

OK, you don't wipe the seat down first.
I didn't know that.
No more anal sex for you, then.
I wipe the seat, throw the paper in, and save having piss splashed up on my bottom - which part of this etc. ?

Leave Padraig out of this - the man lives in Sri Lanka - they have pits there ; they're civilised.

IQ, Kim is referring to the fine mist of aerosolized urine which shoots up into the air every time a man pees in a standard-shaped toilet. That is exactly why I pee in the yard whenever I can and why I never leave my toothbrush sitting out on the sink. What any of this has to do with anal sex I'm not sure, though it's possible I'm missing something.

Yuck indeed. Let this be a lesson to us all.

It's nearly 6 pm here - dark.
When I woke up this morning I wasn't thinking : tonight I'll be talking toilet to insomniacs but here we are.

You sit down, and the urinary function goes first, yes ?
What was a bowl of clean water no longer is, yes ?

What splashes back up at you is no longer just water, yes ?

It's in your interest to stop the splashback ?

IQ I don't know why I do it either - call it a habit.
"Aerosolized urine ... " well, I don't know what to say about that.

Safe to say, I think nan, that you & I love women, and safe to say : women love a man whose butt doesn't carry splashback, should the relationship ever proceed so far. I speak here to the women as well.

A little paper goes a long way. Do your business before it melts. Sorry.

;-)
I'm serious.

Kim, my friend, I need to strongly state that, the occasional startling splash aside, I do manage on a day-to-day basis to keep feces and urine off my physical corpus. While I don't make it a mission in the way that, say, Howard Hughes did, the strategies I have selected are ordinarily quite effective.

IQ, all of this advice can easily and very healthfully be translated to a female context.

"I need to strongly state that I do manage on a day-to-day basis to keep feces and urine off my (self.)"

That is beautiful, nan. That is just about the sweetest thing you've ever said.
I love it when you show your vulnerable side. Great post. Rated.

Now if we could figure out how to keep other people's urine & feces off ourselves ...

If you think about it, the greater aim of poetry and art has always been about how to keep other people's bodily fluids from splashing on you. Hell, "The Charge of the Light Brigade" was nothing but a metaphor for proper flushing techniques.

nanananananananaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

i KNEW it!
i knew i should leave this post alone...
I knew i should have just basked in the glow of our renewed internet love-fest...
but noooooooooo, i just hadda come read new comments, and there it was *shudder* that horrible picture.

some things you just cant un-see.
i'm off to the 24 hour walmart to buy some brain bleach.

Loriannnnnnnne, that picture you describe as *horrible* is the real me. I'm bereaved that you could be so nauseated at a glimpse of my inner beauty.

Good gawd I cannot believe I am reading this so early and nw coffee is dripping off my monitor here and I keep wiping away laughing so hard....
I miss the gutter krew. Now them was the good ole days...
I cannot belive this ain't on the cover after all the disclosures listed here.
Nana, the blooming mountainsides here are fantastic. I would take take the promised pictures but they will never load on this place.

I still love ya tho'. Have a good one....

Does stygian poetry have a place on this post with splashback and everyday bathroom hygiene?
Or should we just write about incest, abuse, the DSM (?), bipolar attitudes, nanny's that are schizophrenic, cults, unwanted pregnancy.. OK are you sure that is not your alter because it seems more than a bit unreal.

OMG I did not see the photo .. niiiiicce. I am cueing up the Schmegma poem now..

Only real men wear pink.

Please accept my sincerest apology for neglecting to rate. I guess I got distracted by you and Miss J. (Don't be intimidated; Miss J's been working at this for a while and finding your own style takes time.)

www.missxpose.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/miss-jay-alexander-split-newswire-335a051507.jpg

Also, I am no Dr. Phil, Drew or Oz but I think I can help with one of your problems! Why not invest in Daniel Tosh's High Toilet? (Maybe you could demo it at Costco and places like that.)

http://tosh.comedycentral.com/video-clips/high-toilet

Rated with awe.

I remember the day that picture was taken, I was just cut from the cast of Fame. I cried for days. Then I went potty on the director's prized flowering tree bush thingie, the one he said he had since he was a young child.

Hahaha. My pee killed his childhood!!!

~wanders off to the thorn bushes~

I don't know about DSM (?) but you're onto something with "the greater aim."
Margaret's link had me thinking Wuthering Heights ; then there's Moby Dick ; By Grand Central I Wiped and Sat Down ; Howard's End ; The Waves ; Wide Sargasso Sea, and Dickens' Great Exertions, to say nothing of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture ( the cannon bit ), or Mozart's A Little Night Music - when you think about it it's all so obvious.
Mona Lisa - you know the bottom half of that painting is in the vault, don't you - waiting until we're ready, as a society, to deal with the real reason for the "enigmatic smile."
And Rodin's Thinker ... well, Rodin was just out there.

nananananaaaaaaaaaaaaa! i should have been clear. the picture disturbed me because of that terrifying minty green tank top.

green...not your colour.

other than that, the outfit is faaaaabulous!

i cant believe kim listed all those bathroom references based on art and literature and didnt even bother to mention:

Adam & The Ants - Bathroom Function

The English Beat (or The Beat as they were known everywhere but the US) - Mirror In The Bathroom

NERD - Everyone Nose (all The Girls Standing In The Line For The Bathroom)

and of course the classic lyrics:

"Theres a bathroom on the right." from Creedence Clearwater Revival

There you go, Dickbreath!!!! R...............

There you go, Dickbreath!!!! R...............

Ever drink a beer that someone put a cigarette out in and have the butt end up in your mouth? I have. i was kind of buzzed last night thats why I forgot to rate your post. How can you tell.
PM me on how to get ahold of you.

yes, (a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00442UK14">bidets on every toilet
just don't flood the bathroom installing it
I still have one sitting in the corner of the downstairs bathroom that needs to go in. The first time I tried was less than successful.

there are cheaper ones, but cold water hitting your tender bits at 4am is no fun for anyone

A person hopes that Julie's downstairs bidet is still in its box.

Don't know how to add to this discussion except to say Jules how right you are.

"The first time I tried was less than successful," indicates to me that at some stage she had taken it out of its box.

Julie's comments do raise certain disturbing questions. I've never used a bidet myself, but I like to believe I'd get it right the first time around. Perhaps I'm overestimating my deductive abilities.

Johnny, it's been too damn rainy for fishing but it's showing signs of clearing up. I'll give you a call, dillhole.

LORIANNNNNE! How can you say green isn't my color when it so obviously brings out the cerulean in my sunglasses? Regarding "art as metaphor for stuff that shoots out of our bodies," we mustn't forget Picasso's Brown Period, nor the bolus-like appearance of many of the objects in Dali's paintings, nor the penchant among certain late-Byzantine icon artists to include coprolites of saints in their work nor the well known fact that Jackson Pollock's technique was inspired by watching primates at a zoo fling feces. And what about Andy Warhol, the inventor of fake plastic vomit? More recently, the adulation heaped on that guy who included jars of urine in a gallery installation tells us that scatology is alive and well in the postmodern art scene. Somewhere in Hell Hieronymus Bosch is smiling.

Tink, that Philistine's childhood had it coming.

Marjie, your awe is highly gratifying. Thank you for the Tosh; I love that show though I find it difficult to admit it publicly.

Rita: exactly! A willingness to wear pink and a high level of comfort with dildo use are signs of a man who's confident in his masculinity.

Indelible, "urp" is an accurate summation of this post.

Rita, you've been promising that schmegma poem since last year. I'll believe it when I see it. :|

Mission, I am sickened beyond belief at how the editors have ignored this post, but I am not surprised given their obvious contempt for my poignant revelations.

Kim, your perspicacity vis a vis art and literature is impressive indeed. For me, the juxatposition of human aspirations with mortifying body functions reached its apogee with Picasso's Garçon à la peepee or perhaps with Goya's riveting series of still lifes set in Napoleonic French field latrines.

Nana, you must be inspired to write a poem like that, you have to FEEL it deep within (no pun intended). Let's just say the mood hasn't hit yet.

Feel it deep within? I am SHOCKED, Rita, that you'd bring such an inappropriate tone of levity to a discussion of art.

Julie, maybe you could install the bidet you have in the box on your kitchen sink.

I'm sure it would be excellent for washing dishes and it would be a conversation piece when you have company.

Nana, you could get one for your Koi pond.

The uses are endless...

Larry, I love the way you disregard hidebound toilet fixture paradigms. Isn't a bidet just a drinking fountain you can sit on to rinse off your taint? Why indeed should it be relegated to that sole function?

WE ARE FISH BOOBS, WE ARE BOTH SICKENED AND AROUSED BY YOUR DISPLAY OF ART, THAT WE CALL SHIT, RIGHT TO YOUR FACE. WE BOTH RATE, AND FLAG THIS!!

WE DEMAND YOU EXPLAIN THIS CONCEPT OF Masturbatory material in the use of procreation with a candiru catfish as a pleasure item in 1878 Podunken, Europa BEFORE WE DESTROY YOUR PUNY PLANET OF Frankfort Kentucky

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. FISH BOOBS OUT!

aiiighh, ok, ya'll are horrifying me with those images

...less than successful in installing it. I thought I'd turned off the water to the toilet, but evidently that little knob is just for show in the downstairs bathroom. The one upstairs actually turns off the water.

I hope those fish are being ethically treated
it looks kind of suspect to me

the one upstairs is cold water only though
brrr

Fish Boobs, salutations to both of you. On the one hand I appreciate the rate but on the other hand if you ever flag me again you'll rue the day. You apparently aren't aware of the fate of SpockLover69 after he misconstrued my oeuvre in a post about whether Lady Gaga is a real blonde or not.

Julie, yes, that knob is very important, but don't feel bad: I've seen more than one professional plumber do the same thing. It saddens me that your upstairs bidet is cold water only, but then Illinoisians are a hardy breed. My own toilet water has a rheostatic hydrometric thermal adjustment and heating filaments in the seat, which is also upholstered in Corinthian leather and plays "Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer" when in use.

NANATEHAY, DO NOT THREATEN US WITH THREATS OF POSSIBLE DECONSTRUCTION, ON OUR HOME WORLD, NANATEHAY TRANSLATES TO MAN WHO FONDLES GOAT TESTICLES IN HIS MOUTH AND THEN PROPOSES MARRIAGE TO GOAT, DO YOU PROPOSE MARRIAGES TO THE GOATS YOU SUCK OFF?

IF NOT, YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO GORLOCKA OR MAN WHO GETS OFF SUCKING GOAT BALLS WITH NO INTENTION OF MARRIAGE.

YOU HAVE BEEN EDUCATED, DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE, AS WE WILL CASTRATE YOU AND SELL YOUR NOSE, WHICH WE BELIEVE IS THE HUMAN REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN, ACCORDING TO OUR NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES FROM 1965, TO THE DORSAFINS OF APPAROUND SIX.

JULIE, THE FISH, THEY ARE OUR SPIRITUAL LEADERS, WE TAKE CARE OF THEM AS GODS, AND THEY PROMISE NOT TO DESTROY US IN A FLASH FLOOD OF CREAM CHEESE THAT WOULD COVER SEVEN OF OUR NINE WORLDS!!

ALL HAIL THE FISH!! MAY THEY COVER OUR BOOBS TILL THE END OF THE TIMES!

ALALALALALALALALLALAQLALALALALALALALALA!!

STUPID TYPEWRITER KEY THINGIE, PUTTING A Q IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!! HOW DO YOU PEOPLE COMMUNICATE USING THIS INTER-A-NET THINGY? HOW DO YOU, YOU KNOW, COPULATE USING THE MONITOR? DOES IT HURT WHEN THE MAN PUTS HIS NOSE IN THE DICK DRIVE?

QUESTIONS, SO MANY QUESTIONS, WE ARE INTERESTED IN YOUR SPECIES, ESPECIALLY THE MAN YOU CALL SARAH PALIN.

*jealousing over Nana's plumbing*

ok, that's gotta be Tink... Hey Tinkertot!!! mmmmwwaahhh!

WE ARE NOT TINK! WE ARE FISH BOOBS! WE HAVE COME HERE TO DESTROY THIS PLANET, AND SO FAR, WE HAVE FOUND ONLY ONE REASON NOT TO, FROZEN YOGURT WITH CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES.

YUMMY.

OOPS, I MEAN, THIS PLANET HAS NOTHING OF VALUE, EXCEPT FOR SOME GOLD TEETH AND PLACES YOU CALL MALLS, WHERE WE FIND THE YUMMY FROZEN YOGURT.

YOU SHALL HAVE TIME TO MAKE PEACE WITH WHATEVER GOD YOU WANT(WE HAVE HEARD THAT THIS BARBIE DOLL IS A GOOD GOD TO PRAY TO!!!!!!!)

WE HAVE HEARD THAT TINK LIKES TO PRAY TO SOMETHING CALLED WOMENONWOMENWRESTLINGLEAGUE.COM!!!

MAY YOU FIND YOUR PEACE WHEREEVER.

FISH BOOBS OUT!

There's a women's pro wrestling league?

ALALALALALALALALLALAQLALALALALALALALALA!

YES, ACCORDING TO THIS 'TINK' PERSON-CAT-GOAT FONDLER, THEY HAVE LIVE BROADCASTS ON THEIR WEBSITE EVERY TUESDAYS AND THURSDAYS. HE SAYS, MUCH FUN, FOR THE PRICE OF A COCA-COLA AND IF YOU MENTION THAT YOU KNOW ASDFGH HGFDSA, YOU CAN GET INTO FOR FREE.

MANY PEOPLE ON THIS OPEN.SALON KNOW ASDFGH AS I JUST ASKED HIM ON HIS NEWEST BLOG ABOUT LIVE BROADCAST OF SOMETHING CALLED THE CHICKEN FONDLER LEAGUE MANY QUESTION WITH THE THREAT OF DESTROYING THE WORLD IF HE DID NOT ANSWER.

I ALSO RATED HIM, WHICH I AM TOLD, BY THE SAME TINK, IS AN INSULT ON YOUR PLANET, MUCH LIKE, 'FINGLE FLANGLE DINKA RINK' IS VERY MUCH FROWN UPON ON OUR PLANET.

THIS IS A VERY STRANGE PLANET INDEED. YOU SEEM TO PROMOTE YOUR WORSE CHARACTERS ON SOMETHING CALLED THE COVER, WHILE THE TRUE LEADERS OF THE PLANET, SUCH AS YOURSELF, ARE FORCED TO MOLEST CHEAP SHEEPS IN THE BLEACHERS.

HOW RUDE!

FISH BOOBS OUT!

P.S.

WE ARE FINDING YOUR PICTURE ABOVE IN THE TIGHTS, VERY EROTIC!

ON OUR HOME WORLD, YOU WOULD BE KNOWN AS GRAND WHORE LEVEL 89 AND WOULD BE REVERED FOR YOUR DANCING AND HAND GESTURES, AS WE BELIEVE YOU CALL THEM, 'HAPPY HANDS'.

VERY EROTIC!!

WHY THIS IS NOT 'EPed' AND ON THE 'COVER' ALONG WITH 'I WASN'T MOLESTED BY MY 9TH GRADE TEACHER, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?' IS A MYSTERY TO US AND OUR FISHES!!

FISH BOOBS OUT!

What can I say? We've all been there on #4...a sad fact of life.

Fish Boobs, are you calling my readers cheep sheap? I'll have you know that as far as I can tell every one of them is more or less human.

Bluestocking, thank you for your honest and (dare I say it?) moving comment.

FROM OUR SCANS, NONE OF YOUR READERS ARE OF THE HUMAN TYPE, WE ARE SORRY TO SAY.

ACTUALLY WE ARE VERY HAPPY TO SAY, WE WOULD RATHER HAVE SHEEP, DUCKS, COWS, A GOOSE, THREE RABID SQUIRRELS(GUESS WHO IS THAT? YES, TINK IS ONE.), A MONKEY, FOUR DISEASED CATS WHO ESCAPED FROM A MILITARY TEST FACILITY IN THE NEVADA DESERT, FOUR ELEPHANTS WHO THINK THEY ARE SHEEP, AND A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF HOUSEHOLD OBJECTS, INCLUDING YOUR TV SET AND TOASTER, WHO CONSISTANTLY NEVER RATE YOU BUT ALWAYS COMMENT AND LIKE ON THEIR FACEBOOK.

WE HAVE ALSO NOTICED A LARGE BEAR WHO CALLS HERSELF RANDY THE MOOSE PERUSING NOT ONLY YOUR BLOG BUT YOUR MATCH.COM AS WELL AS YOUR ADULTFRIENDFINDER.COM AD.

WE HOPE YOU TWO WILL GO OUT ON A DATE OR A BONDAGE MEETING, WHICHEVER FLOATS THE ROPE SO TO SPEAK.

ALSO, YOUR BROTHER TRIG, IS PRETENDING TO BE SHANNA WAYNE, WHO RESPONDED TO YOU IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE THAT SHE WANTS TO GROPE YOU. DO NOT GROPE BACK.

THAT'S JUST WRONG EXCEPT IN KENTUCKY AND ONLY UNDER THE LEGAL BINDS OF MARRIAGE.

MARRYING YOUR BROTHER IS PUNISHABLE BY BEING FLOGGED BY WET NODDLES ON OUR HOME WORLD.

SOME PEOPLE FIND IT RELAXING....

Nana, you have immense gravitas, in spite of your colorful bathroom habits. You are positively ambassadorial. Guys used to leave bottles of piss next to the tree front of my house. At first I thought it was apple juice, but fortunately, I wasn't tempted to drink it.

What are the new rules? No one tells me anything anymore.

Fish Boobs, you are obviously in the throes of a bout of mania induced by an Earthling cocktail known as a Trailer Park Speedball. It is equal parts Mountain Dew, NyQuil, and Pedialite and is strongly not recommended for alien life forms with no natural tolerance. I recommend chamomile tea, followed by some deep breathing exercises and pornography.

Sirenita! I'm gratified that you see my gravitas through the misleading facade of a few mortifying misadventures. The current rule, and it's actually a very old one, is to only drink pee if it comes from a shaman who has ingested amanita mushrooms.

Reminds me of my Jazzercise days dancing to Olivia Newton John's Let's Get Physical. Jazz hands, ladies! Gah! I keep looking at the picture. Pink. They're pink, for the love of...

I still think you're ok though.

YOU ARE AN EVIL TRAP, SET UP BY OUR ENEMIES THE NANATRODS OF SECTION 38 OF THE PLANET ZEB. WE ARE NOT FOOLED BY YOUR EROTIC DANCE AND OFFERS OF NYQUIL AND WHISKEY WITH SHOTS OF HEROIN TO CALM US INTO SUBMISSION AND HAVE CALLED ON ZORNOG, OUR MOST BRAVE FISH BOOBS WARRIOR TO DESTROY YOU!!!

AS THEY SAY ON DELCON 8, BIPZ BOS OOS A SALA WANGER TANGER BOOP BA IN THE TELLY HOLE!

FISH BOOBS OUT!

Linnnnn, I can forgive myself for the leg warmers but not for the jazz hands. Fish Boobs, your kind will never conquer Earth; our pineal glands are immune to your foul ministrations.

Fish Boob, you leave nana alone!! ~hissssssss~ So my friend likes to 'ride' sheep around the plains of Kansas, with his top hat and cane and nothing else. Nothing wrong with that, whatever to keep himself out of jail!!!!!!!

I mean, and besides, Oklahoma named him TOP SHEEP RIDER OF 2011!! Would they do that if he was a pervert?

Well, they might, but he's our pervert!!!

Now you be nice or I'll report you to the Intergalactic Federation of Planets and Homeworlds!!!!! Yeah, that shut ya up, didn't it?

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTT!!!

Damn Fish Boobs, always trying to blow up our world and put in a mall.

With a nice Sears or a Costco.

~shaking head~

Thank you Tink. For a minute there I feared I'd need to open a can of whoop-ass on those piscine mammaries. And to think Fish Boobs would turn on me like that after I friended her/him/them. Kpffffssspffshhhkpfffl!

Nana

How about a workout video?
You already have the picture for the cover.

Something like:

"Nanatehay's Sweatin' to the Oldies"

Americans spend over 40 Billion dollars a year on diet related products.

Nanatehay sweatin' to the oldies doesn't work. I spent the last three hours in the yard splitting wood, drinking beer, and listening to reggae music, and I'm just as corpulent now as when I started. I'M FATTER THAN A FUCKING RHINOCEROS!

What's a diet-related product ?

My old neighbour Skimmo told me if I ate too many lizards I'd end up skinny - she was right.

It's my understanding that goanna is completely free of cholesterol and polyunsaturated fat.

Was Skimmo the mum of that guy who had the souped-up Torana?

You're right about goanna - the product here is Goanna Oil. They sell it in glass because it permeates plastic it's that low in viscosity, if that makes sense.
Used for muscle-aches etc.
It turns out Skimmo did have a son called Kev ( she had several ) ( not all called Kev, she wasn't stupid ) - but Kev didn't drive anything because he fell off a horse when he was little.

It's an odd little bit of synchronicity, but my fate could easily have been similar to Kev's. I was 7 or 8 yrs old and my best friend at the time had some neighbors with a pasture and two or three ponies in it. He rode them sometimes, and one afternoon he talked me into getting on one of the demonic little equines. No sooner had I got settled in than the bastard bolted at full speed towards the shed where it lived, and the shed had a door with a clearance much lower than my head. Even I, in the 3rd grade and never having rode a horse before, knew that if I remained mounted my head would splatter against the rim of the shed, so I took the only out I could think of: I pushed with every bit of power in my legs and ass up into the air and off the pony, and landed hard in the pasture as he flew out from under me and entered the shed. At first I thought probably I was dead, but upon inspection everything still worked, and to this day I'm pretty sure I made the right decision.

Mortifying, nonetheless.

Definitely. I even landed in horse poop.

Flashdance! I sometimes wore my leg warmers in the 80's to hide that fact that my jeans had shrunk in the dryer and were too short

Thanks for visiting my blog, Grannynanny. Regarding leg warmers, at least you had a rational excuse, which just isn't true in my case.

I'm noticing now that Padraig's comments are gone, which means his account has been deleted. That's one less person in Open Salon who had something interesting to say and who said it with erudition and civility. And yet the crazy people and the spammers remain. Fuck.

I don't understand why when people go, they ask for their account to be deleted.
Padraig's comments on OS brightened up the page, and his posts are worth going back to again & again.
When Ablonde left, she left the account open - no more posts, but a few years of scintillating commentary. They give the joint a history, and an atmosphere. Almost a smell ;-)
I mean, who could lay a comment down like Stellaa ? or Mr zaj ?
I get why people go, but I don't get why they take their beautiful, carefully considered abuse with them.

I guess it's a case of wanting to be thorough, in the sense that when they're done with something, they're completely done. It seems like a large chunk of the people I've admired most in OS - Padraig, Stellaa, JK Brady, WSFTC, a bunch of others, have gone that route. I wish more people would do like Ablonde and CatamiteBastard and BBE and leave their accounts open so I could still read their posts and their comments. In many cases, I suppose, it was a matter of not wanting to leave anything for the crazy people to sniff around on. I once deleted 150 or so posts for that reason, though I wound up staying.

There are still a lot of great OS contributors, and new ones finding their way in, but between the massive spam problem and the ever-increasing nonfunctionality of the site and the success of crazy and malign people at driving away productive members, it's very frustrating and at times depressing. The site could be better than it is, but no one in charge seems interested in making that happen.

The "certain individual" is still here, with less than nothing to say.

IQ, you'll always be part of my "good old days."

Likewise, Kim. From IQ's first appearance here - as I recall it was when she popped in on a daft conversation you and Tink and I were having late one night - she brightened up the place considerably. Remember that time she had too many vodka-cranberries and was slam dancing to the Ramones? Or maybe that was me, but either way, good times!

IQ you remember that ?!
I had to ditch that post - I was feeling bad about thoth, but I forget why ... somewhere that episode lives, & Tink thinks I've forgotten about the mops !! Ha !!!
Nan I think that was just you slam-dancing.
The rest of us were just sitting on the steps watching. We all learned a lot, that night.

Just me? A person can't slam dance alone, Kim. Btw, it's a little know fact that vodka-cranberry is the only truly healthful cocktail. The net beneficial effects of the antioxidants and what-not in the cranberry juice more than outweighs the harm caused by the vodka.

Nice to wake up to some banter of the old days here rather than the relentless spam I usually wade through at my 4oclock insomnia hour. I remember slam dancing and Mark Knopfler. There was also the night with The Judge.

Ah yes, the unwarranted charges of anti-Semitism debacle, and Tink's serial suicides. Even in these fallen times we manage to have a good time. I do miss Dr. Amy though. If there was ever one person who unified OS (in their hatred of her) it was the good doctor.

Rita! Yes, there was Dire Straits, and I think Doc Martens were involved.

Where's The Judge when you need him? I piss on his scales of justice.

I even miss Alley Oops sniff.

Wait ... vodka causes harm ?

In hindsight Alley Oops seems almost quaint, but I doubt that impression would last long if he made a reappearance. And Kim, I've always assumed vodka's alleged *harmfulness* was a myth, but I like cranberry juice so no harm no foul.

I noticed the error but didn't want to say anything. :(

Kim, it's a rumor. Like cellphones and chloroform. Some of us will carry on to reveal the truth.

The last time I had martinis was with my brother, Roger, about ten years ago. We were using Bombay Sapphire, and at some point Rog sat down on a cardboard box that had a can of silver spray paint in it. The can proceeded to let out its aerosol in a slow leak as he sat there, and whatever chemical they have in the aerosol soon went to his head and by the time I came back in the room he was crawling around the floor like a crippled nematode and making these really alarming noises. I haven't had a martini since.

Chloroform is a good thing ... ?

I spotted that "e" IQ, but didn't feel the need to go PUBLIC about it.

You must feel mortified. Write about it, if you like.

I was mortified Kim, damn near prostate in fact.

IQ, as I recall they were your Doc Martens. I remember being very impressed that you have such bad-ass boots.

Isn't that propellant phreon ? I ran into phreon once. I was defrosting the fridge, with mallet and chisel when I heard a hiss.s.s.s.
I rang the number of the electrician whose magnet I could read, and he told me to open all the windows and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
I hope Roger's ok.

prostrate.

Defrosting a fridge with a mallet and chisel can lead to untoward incidents. Roger was fine the next day, though it was quite a while before I could eat olives again.

Prostrate? I'm pretty sure it's prostate, as in "Prostate with grief" or "The mortification left me prostate."

At least the blisters were only on your feet iq.. alas you will never make cover with only foot blisters.. must be a bit more frightening than that.
Kim, the newest study on all the stations today rates cell phones with chloroform in the degree of things that can harm you. I was wondering who uses chloroform on a daily basis and scanned the cover for an idea about that.

No, your prostrate helps to regulate your urine flow or some such nonsense. I had a bladder infection last year that I thought was prostrate problems. It felt like someone was kicking me in the groin with a pair of steel-toed Doc Martens but antibiotics knocked out the infection in a couple days. I was mortified.

I smoked a joint once with chloroform in it. They call that a "sherm." You get all tunnel visiony and everything sounds like "wa-aH-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa."

Or maybe it's PCP they put on a sherm. Whatever it was I don't recommend it.

You should do a post titled MY RODENT VIVISECTION FETISH. Lead off with how you sneak up behind the rat with a handkerchief soaked in chloroform and murder in your heart, then throw in a vicious, incoherent rant against the ASPCA.

Rita, that ought to make the cover, right?

If you say you got the idea from your parents who used it on you and that you stole it from the lab and that you did it all due to the abuse you suffered from your nanny, it might.

Getting abused by PETA trolls on big Salon; what higher honor can there be for an OSer?

(y0u left off the "A" on ASPCA. I wouldn't have mentioned it except for your incessant harping on "prostate")

Rita, exactly. It's not cover grade if there aren't recovered memories from a dystopian childhood involved.

I can't believe how screwed up this conversation has become, so quickly.
I'm mortified.
Are we not capable of discussing things like grown-ups ?

Prostate : gland surrounding the neck of the bladder that produces a component of semen.

Prostrate : lying face down.

This is like semaphores ( yes I saw that comment ) & metaphors, isn't it ? You're doing this deliberately, aren't you ?
Well I've had it up to here and I'M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE !!!

" ... the newest study on all the stations today rates cell phones with chloroform in the degree of things that can harm you."
Rita when the hell is America going to stop putting chloroform in cellphones ?

It's just that I expect better spelling from someone as well-educated as you regardless of your penchant for rodent vivisection.

(it's Americo-centric but maybe your finger slipped on the keyboard)

Kim, the thing is, the cellphone industry saves billions every year by substituting choroform for palladium in the circuitry. I mean that semaphorically.

I don't even have a pencil.
I envy people who live in caves.
I live in a hole that fills up when it rains.

What?? What do you do if someone tries calling you on your landline while you aren't home? How do you shop on eBay while commuting to work without a cellphone? How do you play World of Warcraft on a camping trip or download mp3s in the restroom without a cellphone? How do you annoy people at weddings or movie theaters without a cellphone?

Maybe IQ's happier than we are, nan. There's a scary thought.

She certainly seems better-adjusted. The rat thing is a little weird though.

Given your slam-dancing skills I can overlook the rat business.

Seeing iq has been off OS significantly more than we have, I would suggest she may have a real life and therefore, happier than most of us here. Frown emoticon for us.

I have a real life, Rita, I think.
Is that the one where you go outside for awhile ?

It seems unfair to speculate about how happy IQ might be when she's not present to defend herself. Please bear in mind that if public charges of happiness are bandied about, her pending article on rodent abuse might not make the cover.

What's this nonsense about having a life? I go outside sometimes, but only with the intent of finding something to post on OS. The model for such endeavors was exemplified by Kim's recent liveblogging of some kids who got swept out to sea by a rogue wave. That was sheer brilliance, and tragic in a poignant way which should have garnered him an EP, but for a blogger to *become* the story is unethical at best and potentially quite dangerous.

Damn.
I hate to have to tell you, but I stood at the window, inside, when I took those pictures.
I went outside later though, for some milk.
The guy at the counter said, "$ 2.20," and when I gave him the money I said, " Thanks mate."
I get out. I know what's going on.

I know milk only costs $ 2.10, but I was in my pyjamas and didn't want to draw too much attention.
You know ?

Oooo! Outside......I think I did that a few times, but then, it was too scary, so I went back inside. I mean, does Outside have Google?

No it does not!!!!

Google is my friend. Teeheehee!!!

:D

Outside is a scary place, Tink.
Kenneth Grahame warned us about it at the beginning of Wind In The Willows, remember ?
No good comes of it, and if you're wearing pyjamas they look at you funny.
I google in the bathroom, inside. A plumber organised it for me.
That was after you blew the old one up.
Sigh.

I Twittered myself in the bathroom once. Well, several times actually, but that was back when I was following Ashton Kucher. He's so yesterday now, what with Anthony Weiner's penis and all. My only problem with being outside is that people can see you, and once they can see you who knows what might happen?

question: why wouldn't you be able to tell if that is your weiner and BVDs in a Twitter?
especially if you took a photo of it to begin with? see what can happen if you go outside?
nothing good comes of it.

Rita, it does seem a little hinky he don't reco'nize his dinky. Hahahahaha! IQ, as you astutely observe, we're never more than a comment away from the bathroom theme. You should read Myriad's recent post.

look how much fun you all have been having while i couldn't log o ...

You aren't the only one having problems. Each comment I've made has taken on average abou

You remind me of Snippy the Grammer Dog butt you spel better.

**love** the pink leg wa ...

wait. is that a secret sign you're making with the middle and ring fingers of your left hand? is this the apocalypse? or the acropolis? or annapolis?

i'm thinking i should just kee ...

No, I was just making jazz han

But the time of the Pocket Lips may well be here. I saw a flock of geese yesterday flying in the formation of a swastika, and Elvis was seen last night on the Vegas strip kickin' it with Biggy Smalls in Bigfoot's UFO, and then there's this whole debt ceiling thing and Sarah Palin's incessant squealing on the cable news shows. Gah.

Pirouette? Kpffft. I was doing an avant arriere just before going into my famed haute brisé.

My fouetté jeté once caused a riot in Le Lido.

Outside sounds like a horrible place. Like prison without toilets. Like pie without pie.

God, I'm glad I hide in my dark, un-airconditioned computer room, makes my Atari 2600 run like a jet fighter killing Nazis from Space.

And dance hands are all the rage in Kansas. Says so on their website that and nanatehay is #1 FAME dancer EVER in the Tri-state area!!! GOOOOOOOOOO BONGO BEAT, MAKE THE NUTS SHAKE FROM TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! ALLLLOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAA!!!

Two-hundred seventy-three comments at last count for a picture of a man in tights and leg warmers. I can't even look at it for too long; the colors give me the equivalent of an ice-cream brainfreeze.

Ah the cabarets of Lansing, Kansas, the cultural Mecca of northeastern Leavenworth County. Pasquale and I were the toast of the town in those days, though we raised an eyebrow or two with our unfettered joie de vivre and penchant for absinthe binging.

IQ, Tink can't wear leg warmers, they inhibit the joystick on his Atari 2600. And Marjie, the picture is starting to freak me out too. I may have to do a post just to get it off the top of my blog page.

The thing is, I made my head too big for the torso, 'cause it looked amusing that way. At first. Now it's just... fucking weird. :(

@iq: Disclosures? What disclosures? I can't tear my eyes away from the picture. I don't even have to move the mouse; it goes straight to the picture and I can't make it scroll up.

@Nana: I don't think your head's the problem. Trust me, that outfit won't "breathe"; you need something less constricting. Since you seem to enjoy ballet, here is a look that might be more appropriate.

e-dancewear.com/Merchant/graphics/00000002/bt/mensshortsleeveleotard.jpg

Most of the pics of me online XXX-rated. Teeheehee!! I'm such a slut when it comes to photographers.

;D

Marjie, where did you find that picture of Pasquale?

You shouldn't call yourself a slut, Tink. The preferred term these days is "intercourse friendly."

must go cry now. picture alone...horrifying! :)

Is it wierd that I am kind of turned on at the sight of nana ?

How can you live with yourself?

I really have nothing to add but I couldn't stand to be the only person on Open Salon who didn't comment on this enlightened and educational post.

No, really. Number 4 was especially instructive. I work with people who clean campground toilets during the summer. That's not one of my duties, thank the goddess. This happy arrangement is the first thing I think of every time I hear the phrase "There but for the grace of God(dess) go I ..."

Anyway. The other day at lunch, some of us were marveling at the ability some people have to actually spray the underside of the toilet seat, one must assume while they are still seated on it, with poop. This feat seems to defy the laws of physics. The teenaged son of one of the campground workers explained that that's what happens when men drink beer. Still, I doubted. But no more. Now all has been revealed to me.

Thank you so much.

Yeah and I was so worried I would be the only one without a comment on here that I pushed the button twice and now I look desperate. Greeeeat.

Thank you so much for your support. It was very difficult for me to re-live the "poo-water on my cheeks" episode, so words alone can't suffice to express my gratitude at your acceptance of how disgusting I can sometimes be.

No worries about the double comment; everyone does that every now and again, and anything worth saying is worth saying twice, n'est-ce pas? ;-)

Thanks for your patience and understanding, Nan. I'll gladly endure your disgusting moments, perhaps even patting your hand and murmuring "Bless your heart" during the most trying episodes, if you'll continue your generous policy of needyness-tolerance.

Just the once, this time. HA!

I've... I've... I've never had anyone had anyone offer to be there for me like that. ::sob::

This might be a new low, whattaya think?

What, that I'm still responding to comments about poo-water weeks after my story of pathos was first posted? You obviously haven't looked at the cover lately. :\

You mean the gerontophilia? Or was it gerontophobia? Or the amputee? They all run together.

I think you should retitle this and repost it, including the comments, of course. How about "Romney and Amputee In Favor of Massive Social Security Cuts." guaranteed cover. Or "Where's The Vodka?"

Crap. Delete the first one, wouldya? There are !$/@7! Typos in it.

I'm thinking How My BestioPedoNecroPhilia Strengthened My Relationship With My Father. The hero of the story is an under-aged dead goat named Pablo who I still think of with great affection.

pablo loves you too. i was gonna say 'loves your ass,' but that would just be wrong.

Pablo made me a man. Well, man-ish anyway. He was a generous lover.

That's it! I'm doing a post with violent explosions for the men and healing heath tips for the women, I'll reach all demographics. It will be about baby butts that explode diarrhea like rocket launchers. I'll include helpful tips about bananas, rice cereal and the importance of replacing enzymes and liquid for fuel.

I prefer my privacy but I know it's cover material unless I add photos of condoms or swear a lot and that's inappropriate to a sick babies post. All I need now is another alter but I'm not sure what name to use...

Those shorts clash dreadfully. Have you no shame?

Cut your toenails.!

I cut them but they grow back faster than I can keep up. It's possible I was a bodhisattva in a previous life.

A post with explosive diarrhea, if handled properly, is almost guaranteed a cover slot and much fame and adulation. We set the bar low around here.

Wow. How did I miss this one?
I thought the post rather crazy until I started reading comments...you are all talking with an invisible comment-er named IQ? Where'd she go?
I admit to being intrigued by any leg-warmer buyer, even if it was the early 80s.
You had a crush on Jennifer Beale.
You wanted to be Richard Simmons.
There's a secret fetish.
Come on, get into the good stuff here.
Not nearly mortifying enough until you admit to the fetishes!
Okay, I'll lay off the caffeine now.
Sake, anyone?

IQ is a friend who left OS. :( When someone closes their account all the comments they made disappear, hence the invisible conversation. And yes, sake sounds good; maybe after a bottle or two I'll describe my fetishes in full, excruciating, mortifying detail.

BTW, Nan, I couldn't bear to leave this invigorating repartee without making it clear that I do, indeed, know what "n'est-ce pas?" means.

Around here, we would spell the English translation like this: "Innit?"

I cut my toe nails with 14" heavy-duty bonsai clippers. Really. But you need safety glasses when you do it. Great picture.

Great picture? You're making me blush! Regarding my toes, I've tried using gardening equipment but bonsai shears wear out too quickly while hedge clippers don't give the level of accuracy needed, so in recent years I've taken to administering my pedicures with a Sawzall.

Freethinker; innit is far preferable to all that "polly voo franzy" nonsense.