Unemployment is hovering stubbornly at around nine percent. Housing starts are down for the fourth month in a row. Europe is poised on the brink of a Lehman Brothers-like financial collapse. Our political system seems broken beyond repair and Ugly America is ascendant as Tea Partiers at the Republican debates cheer death and boo serving members of our military who happen to be gay. The Taliban recently blew up Hamid Karzai's chief peace negotiator with a bomb hidden in some dude's turban. Ashton Kucher has replaced Charlie Sheen on Two And a Half Men.
Given the gravity of these and other seemingly insoluble problems we face in these troubled times, I'm wondering: Should I eat this sandwich I found in the microwave?
I opened the microwave to reheat a cup of coffee and there it was, half a Quizno's "steakhouse beef dip." It's almost lunch time and there's not much in the pantry but I don't want to put on decent clothes to go out and get something else, so I'm wondering - would eating this thing be dangerous?
By a rough count it's been in there about 40 hours. While it hasn't been that hot recently, it hasn't been that cool either, and I don't know what the incubation period for ptomaine is. It wasn't that good of a sandwich when I ate the first half, and I doubt it tastes any better after sitting around for nearly two days, but on the plus side it doesn't smell *funny* yet and is probably loaded with enough preservatives to retard the growth of microorganisms.
My dilemma in some ways resembles the one faced by progressives in next year's presidential elections. If I don't eat the sandwich I'll have to actually go outdoors, get in my vehicle, and find something less toxic for lunch. If I do eat the sandwich, I may well wind up in the hospital with food poisoning.
So, what to do?
I'm asking my readers, both of you, is this sandwich safe to eat or is it just not worth the risk? I would greatly appreciate your input, preferably expressed in the traditional blog comment format of "Whether that sandwich makes you violently ill or not, I support your decision and have nothing but respect for your courage. Rated." or the inverse, "If you eat that festering steakhouse dip the consequences are yours to live with. Making good life decisions is one of the most important skills there is, and 'til you learn to accept responsibility for your actions you'll be trapped in an endless cycle of blame and regret. You maggot."
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ccdarling
elegant mistake
DiBi
l'Heure Bleue
scottcvoss
Sirenita Lake
Salon.com
Comments
As to the condiments and assorted sauces etc. originally used to disguise the lack of true beef flavor, they have not likely improved, but have also not probably diminished.
Leading me to believe that your initial foray in the fast food joint in the first place was as much bravery as anyone needs to display and brag about on what used to be known as Foodie Tuesday.
You are truly remarkable and I am astounded at the wisdom in........
Sausage, blood-pudding, etc., more than other meats are inclined to create ptomaine poisoning. Imported sausage has been known to create death after lying in the bowels for one week after it had been eaten."
So according to your many 'Fans', who have each payed me a dollar($12,876!!!!) to say this....EAT THE SANDWICH!!!! :D
Drew, couldn't I just fake the diarrhea with some Hershey's syrup and a turkey baster? I'm afraid if I was sick for real I might not be able to work the video camera.
Tink, so you're saying that because it's not made of blood pudding the sandwich is less likely to kill me? I've got to confess; I took an experimental bite of the thing while OS was down a few minutes ago and so far I feel OK if slightly disgusted with myself.
Paul, you've obviously gone through the horns of this particular dilemma before. I guess if bleach is good enough to ruin my clothes every time I try getting a stain out of my jeans, it's good enough to use as a condiment.
Stacey, should I Google "B. cereus" or just let it be a surprise?
So many questions today...
:D
And he has promised to take me out to dinner if I donate 3 bucks!! But first, he's going to call me!! EEK!! What if I'm out trapping ferrets and killing them with my teeth so I can get an EP with the blog post??????
Should I answer?
What wine goes with fried ferret?
Chilled?
God, it's like The Happy Fucking Homemaker didn't think of this shit?
WHAT DO YOU SERVE A PRESIDENT?
A 40 hour old sandwich we found in the microwave?
IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?
WHAT IF HE DIES!!??
WILL THE SECRET SERVICE ASS RAPE ME?
I hope so.....
Oh yes, and I do support your decision and respect your courage.
Rated
But, I also can't believe that you have created such a compelling analogy from this piece of "food".
My advice is to send the half-sandwich a campaign contribution and write it in on the 2012 presidential ballot.
(Asterisks inserted because my stupid "WebMarshal" at work won't let me write out the full name in question and let me post my comment. F*ckin' stupid.)
BR, it's either code or an analogy or one of those, watchamacallits, a semaphor.
Jeanette, I need one of those WebMarshalls right here at home to censor me when I get out of hand over at Tommy T's blog. :P
Thanks, Harry, but I think I'll eat it then give Obama a pass because after all what did we expect from him, miracles? The obstructionism (possibly bowel obstructionism) he's had to put up with from those jack-offs over at Subway is why he hasn't yet proved to be a satisfying meal.
I have so many questions, do you think Ed I Tor and Kerry and that French gal from CNN really hates us or are we just imagining it?
I mean, it has been awhile since either of us got EPed, or DVDed, or well, I had the DRTs awhile back. Wish Dr. Amy was still around, she'd know what this festering sore on my butt was.
Probably going to die tomorrow morning from the SDS in my colon!!!!
I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! I WANNA LIVE!!!
See, that there is acting, I really want to die. Stupid economy, can't even get a fuck you back from the sewage treatment plant. Mop duty.
What the hell? Is it me? Is it the garlic and fried asshole sandwiches I had last night?
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WALLS?
Oh sorry, took some brown acid, found it behind the fridge while I was cleaning earlier!!
But seriously, is it a crime to fake your own death to get the life insurance?
It is?
Commie cocksuckers up in DC!!
THEY TOOK MY JOB!!!!
Welp, on my way out the door to walk up to wifey's workie......be careful, I hear they're working on the Open Servers!! EWWWW!! Open sores!!!
~wanders off with his tail in the air~
Peter, where would I get Greens? All we've got in this neighborhood is Quizno's and Subway, except for this one vegetable stand out on the edge of town and it just seems like too much work to drive there and besides Quizno's says the next sandwich I buy will be very healthy for me...
Patrick, how do you know Obama has a conscience? Do you have any demonstrable proof of that? The problem, in additon to the extreme right, is Democrats who think blind loyalty to their party is going to save them. It won't, but not giving a free pass to those who betray their own base just might. A choice between two evils isn't a choice at all, and the sooner we realize that the better off we're going to be.
Lance, I wonder if Frank will think Obama is the rotten sandwich or that empty, hungry feeling he gets when he can't be bothered to hunt up something better to eat. Maybe he'll call me a firebagger!
if it were chicken, i'd say you should douse it with gasoline and toss a match at it from arm's length. :)
What do you mean that's France!!?
Well, I'll move there!!!
Do they have food that looks like baby poo there as well?
SWEET!! :D
Kick ya in the knee and take your sandwich?
Awesome, I can't wait, I'm hungry!!!!!
FART KNOCKERS!!!!
NOW EAT!!!!!
:-)
Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Scorch!
All Hail Vishnu-Estrada, Six-armed Lord of Bad '70s TV!
AH-lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
PeelingAnOrange, thanks for visting my blog. I'd nuke the thing but it climbed down off the counter and is now making faces at me from behind the refrigerator. :(
you have a gun, right? In a rugged coeur de bois accent I ask, is there anything in them there hills that tickle your fancy?
as ptomaine poisoning!
"Contrary to popular belief, ptomaines
are not injurious to the
carnivorous or omnivorous digestive systems,
which are quite capable of reducing them to harmless substances.
Decomposed foods are often responsible for food poisoning,
however, because they may harbor
certain forms of poison-producing bacteria,
especially Clostridium botulinum.
Read more: http://www.answers.com/topic/ptomaine#ixzz1ZCIJN6bA"
That bit of sandwich has been enclosed in what I assume
is an airtight environment. One that the "heat"
often "waves" through. Where would any
weird alien bugs come from?
Scarlett, I've got squirrels here but I'm afraid steel-core 7.62 rounds might go clean through one of 'em and wind up putting someone's eye out. And squirrel tastes like shit. What is Canada's third party alternative?
Candace, it does seem drawn to my socks. I'm guessing on some molecular level it feels a bond with dirty laundry.
As for your sandwich: my friend Dave, who used to be in charge of the food at the clubs I worked at, always made a big deal that when he was certified by the board of health to handle food it was stressed that meat cannot be left unrefrigerated for more than an hour regardless of whether you recooked it or not. On the plus side I doubt there's any actual meat in that.
And as for voting again for Obama, I will too (even though I didn’t the first time but give me a break the GOP does not even plan on running humans in the next election), but in the meantime stock up on ammo for those baby's you showed me. Wall Street will go off before they have a chance to hold another election and if Wall Street doesn’t then Washington will since it is also scheduled for occupation on October 6. And I haven't even armed myself yet, what's a man to do?
but if yer really, really hungry...
what you should not do is vote, hungry or not.
MONKEY FUNKSTER!!!
ALALALALALALALALALA!! BUNG HOLE, I NEED TP FOR MY BUNG HOLE!! ALALALALALALA!!!
~straps his plunger up his nose~ Queen said I could and She makes the rules!! Teeheee!!!
~wanders off~
Also, Emmerling and I have been exchanging big words on the backline which he would attest to as not being a prevarication nor a facetious comment. If he lands.
wait. let me go buy some stock in whatever company makes that crap first. and don't vote, whatever you do!! no, no, don't touch that!
@aka: defenestrate is one a jeff's favorite words. me, i go for debridement. it takes a more delicate instrument. heh.
jesus help us. nana's blog page is possessed.
The official Third Party is the NDP: New Democratic Party.
You're right, Jack; the real unemployment rate is considerably higher than the official government figures. And what's this about you being unarmed? Get thee to the bang-bang store my friend!
Al, as much as anything else it's the thought of having to hose out the restroom that made me hesitate.
Tink, you buttnugget, yo mama so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure. Ziiiiing! Let's go downtown later and kick the shit out of some crippled immigrants.
Speaking of hosing out the bathroom, that one sandwich bite I had earlier, possibly combined with the gizzards and jalapenos I had afterward, is percolating ominously in my nether regions. If I'm not back in a few minutes to reply to the rest of these comments someone contact the CDC.
Candace, isn't "debridement" when someone's new wife runs off with the cabana boy shortly after the honeymoon?
Profkeck, that is actually good advice. Thank you.
Scarlett, how new exactly is the New Democrat Party? And yes, I've often heard if squirrel is prepared properly it's delicious. I've only had it pan-fried, never in a stew, so that might be the problem.
Dustbowldiva, it's awesome to see you, one of my longest-time OS friends! Salt pork is good actually, though, as one might suspect, it's pretty salty. Saltpork, beans, and coffee, that's what they ate out on the prairie back in the day, and when not eating they spent their time trying to figure out who's gas was the smelliest. That's a detail they ignore in most Western movies, with the notable exception of "Blazing Saddles."
Linnnnnnn, it's like Darwin's Theory was being played out right in my microwave. One time I left a chicken carcass in there for about a week and when I finally "discovered" it, the entire thing was covered in a rich, green-purple fuzz about 2 inches thick. You should have heard the noises my gag reflex was making as I hustled out back to throw the cadaver into the neighbor's yard behind his forsythia bushes.
Marjie, you should come along later when Tink and I go downtown to abuse some homeless people. They hang around outside the methadone clinic and are easier to catch than a baby harp seal.
Greenheron, as hideous as it was, that sandwich is better than the RNC deserves. I might mail them a box of sloth poop and that's about it. I saw a sloth taking a dump once on the Discovery Channel and it was fouler than I have the words to describe.
I think if eating that made you think of Michelle Deep Throat Bachman, then that's enough to throw it away. Make some rice, most people have rice, I'm sure you do too, eat the rice and then go out tomorrow.
Now if you were here you could have been treated to my homemade red beans and rice with andouille.
No, I'm not saying abandon BO, he's still better than any of the asshat ignorant haters on the other side--will that do for an ersatz Frank?
Nope, all that stuff just rolls off my back.
What bothers me is that you misspelled Ashton's last name. It's KUTCHER, not "Kucher." You manage to get "Obama," "Karzai" and "Quizno" right but not the name of the most important person in the whole post.
You've lost all credibility as far as I'm concerned.
Next you must look at all the other food around and realize all the food in the world is potentially deadly. You could open a fresh can of green beans, feed it to friends and all be dead by morning. Better safe than sorry, how bad can this sandwich really be?
Then you have to take into account that you've already invested money as well as a huge chunk of time blogging about this sandwich. You were so hopeful, hell, you're devoted to it now.
Finally, you should invite some friends over and convince them that this sandwich is still great. If you don't eat this sandwich, you'll probably have to eat week old scallops because there's no other food anywhere! Then you can all joyfully share it.
Really, I don't know why you worry your pretty little head about such weighty matters. Bon appetit!
Barry, why you gotta be lording red beans and rice with andouille over me? :( Thank you for standing in for Frank, but you didn't deliver it with his jack-in-the box verve, and to truly achieve the Apisa Effect you'd need to go on for about 700 words. :P
Marjie, I was using the Mid-Atlantic Dialectical Zone colloquial spelling. Kpffft!
Bleue, thank you for the counselling; that's advice which all of us firebaggers would do well to heed. Thank you also for your remark about my head - it's been called "freakishly large" and "sort of fuzzy" before but never has anyone said it was pretty.
I've always said it was pretty fuzzy. Isn't that ...
bbd has come out swinging and to the best of my knowledge shown a seldom seen side. Plus he made some good points quickly.
Margaret F. was pretty much on point in regard to Ashton, known mostly now for filling abandoned slots of other celebrities.
oops..sorry this is your job nanatehay, tryin' to help while you digest the Quiznobeef.
Off to consume some enchiladas. Tip: made them today.
The NDP became official in '61 (a good year by the way) though its roots go further back especially in Prairie provinces where they grow the country's Beef. The party evolved in part from the the Co-operative Commonwealth Federation also known as the CCF or the - Canadian Cow Fuckers - depending on where you're from. We also have a Rhinocerous Party, I was a card carrying member. :)
That third rail, er, choice that we Canadians have is, as Scarlett told you, the New Democrats ... which is a *socialist* party (sort of). You guys don't have one of those, at least likely to run, so your third choice would be maybe Libertarian Paul...which might correspond to going out and shooting your own damn squirrel and frying it up, no depending on anybody to make you ready-made sandwiches, or even gizzards.
Better yet, set up your own trapline and you'll never be hungry or naked again. Of course, in your rather urban area, you might catch a lot of raccoons, but they're probably tasty. And neighborhood cats (chow mein!).
Well, so much for sandwich roulette.
Et tu, AKA? First it was Barry with his homemade red beans and now you with the fresh enchiladas. Am I the only one around here with a strong enough connection to the foodchain and true ecological values to eat stuff that's been laying around for a couple days?
Scarlett, that was more knowledge about the inner workings of Canadian politics than I've gained in the entire four-going-on-five decades of my existence. Please don't ever do that again. ;-)
Myriad, a vote for Ron Paul is a vote for, among other things, legal prostitution, legal cocaine, and the nearly complete dismantling of government and what remains of civil society. What's not to like?
And yes, I have finely formed ears - I just hope my death will be clean and will help my murderer to commune with the godhead.
By the way, I like squirrel stew just fine. Your remark about squirrel tasting like shit had me wondering about your comparison taste test.... sheesh! You DO put some strange things in your mouth, don’t ya boy?
.
I can only suppose that you were never a Boy Scout or took any survival courses, or even read a book on such matters.
Test it for gobble-worthiness the same way you do for things in the bush or wherever you are when you get lost and hungry.
Tape or tie some on the underside of your wrist in contact with your tender skin. If the skin turns red in the next 20 minutes - forget about eating it. No redness it’s probably safe.
NOTE: The operative word is “probably”......
.
actually I don't think she eats them, just kills them. sorry.
it looks like you have plenty of suggestions, just wanted to say hi.
Sky, I was a Boy Scout but I never heard that one. No redness means yummy, redness means don't ingest - check. I need to find that sandwich, it's still scuttling around here somewhere...
Sirenita! I like your empirical approach to this. I've always believed that without science we're doomed to eat stuff that may give us explosive diarrhea and even sometimes to become fundamentalists and join some hideous mega-church which doesn't believe in global warming or even dancing. No dancing??? The blind fools!
Are we going to be seeing you on an episode of "Hoarders"? (God, I hope so.)
http://youtu.be/VXdpWni7L1M
Honest opinion, please !
now I can't sing myself, but uh, that's why I don't. Leastwise not in public.
Sounds like a fun Thursday afternoon outing!! I'm there dude!!
:D
Can we also choke them till they die, and then enhale their scent till we go, "Wooooohoooo!" and then blog about it?
I think that'd be nice. Take pictures too. A blog such as that needs pictures!! Lots of them, so we'll have to kill a lot.
Also, could we add "used cars sales men" and "overweight fudge packers" and possibly, "I'm running for Senator, I'd like your vote.." to the list, especially that last ones, god they get on my nerves!!
DIE SENATOR WANNABE!! DIE! DIE!! FASTER PUSSY CAT, FASTER!!
Sorry, I meant to say, KILLING IS BAD, DON'T DO DRUGS!!! ~nodding~
Of course we can. What's the point of abusing crippled immigrants if you can't choke them out afterward then blog about it? Always remember, nothing is real 'til you've posted it online.
Johnny! When are we going back to Pardo's to eat? I've never had beaver-tail (or whatever it was) that delicious in my life.
Kim, thanks for sharing that, and I'm right now downloading Tanita's discography from Pirate's Bay. That performance was amazing, and all the more so because it didn't involve her dressing up like a prostitute and leaping around the stage. Wow.
Jeanette, I've long aspired to be on "Hoarders" but so far no luck. I think I'll send them a video of the stuff in my basement; if that doesn't get me on I may have to start storing roadkilled animals in my living room.
“Darwin's Theory was being played out right in my microwave.”
I did the same thing, left a chemically rich mixture in a microwave safe bowl,
Got a damn biped.
In only 3 days.
This biped is standing over me, now, serving me cold meds.
Boo hoo, bye bye Dawkins/Darwin, et al.
Proof of god.
Biped needs education now. Gotta sit him down in front of the tv. Later.
Proposed: one sandwich indigestible, with pepperoni and salad dressing for all.
The hell you say!
The Internet finally makes sense!!!
God fuckin' love the Internet!!!!
For the better.
My shit sandwich of choice is Dr. Ron Paul.
fingered.