Both of them had been the victim of irresponsible parents. Bonnie and Tara (not their real name) had both given birth to daughters at age fourteen. Both had ended up in foster care. Both tried to warn me that any relationship with their father would not end well and to definitely not have any children with him.

Bonnie was much more explicit in her warnings. “You know he has other kids besides us and Matt, right?” Matt was their younger brother from a different mother. “Matt has an older sister Missy who doesn’t even talk to him. I don’t blame her. The four of us are just a couple of the ones I know for sure about. He doesn’t even know how many kids he has. He drinks too much and doesn’t stick around. He went to jail when I was six and never came back home except to visit occasionally.”

I was stupid and thought that I would be able to get him to visit his children more and take care of the son I carried at the time. He seemed to have settled down and took active care of our son after he was born. By the time my daughter was born, however, the relationship was dead. His drinking had killed any affection I had for him. After a whirlwind of dysfunction, it ended completely.

We kept in touch for a while. He followed us out to San Diego, where I’d moved hoping to improve my situation. He apparently kept in touch with his children in Michigan, as well. On his birthday he came to see me, extremely drunk and told me that Matt had died. He was distraught and extremely emotional. That was the last time I ever saw him. I got a call a few weeks later from the San Diego County Public Defender’s office looking for information about him. Apparently he had gotten himself in trouble smuggling medication across the border from Tijuana.

I moved to Arizona and got on with my life. My kids and I settled down and then, a few days ago I decided to reach out to Bonnie and Tara. A google search found Bonnie’s old address and Tara’s married name. Tara was on Facebook and one of her friends was her sister Bonnie under her married name. Both of them also had someone as a friend that I did not expect, Matt.

There he was in a picture, looking like an adult version of my son. He was also very much alive. He used his stepfather’s last name. His sister Missy was among his friends, confirming that it was him. Why had my ex thought he was dead? He’d said it was Bonnie who’d told him that Matt had committed suicide. Why had she lied to him? Did Matt ask her to tell him that? If so, I understand why.

All three of them had a father who drifted in and out of their lives whenever it was convenient for him. Matt was the youngest of them and he had a father figure in his stepfather. He didn’t need my ex. I’m sure that my ex’s infrequent appearances or phone calls were more painful than anything.

I understand because I never had a father myself, not a real one. I didn’t meet my birth father until I was fourteen and my stepfather and I never saw eye to eye. I recently became friends with both on Facebook. My stepfather’s request came one day and it took me days of soul searching and forgiveness to accept it.  I had sent a message to my birth father’s page months ago and never heard a response. One day I got a suggestion from Facebook to friend one of my father’s sisters because she was friends with my mother and my aunt (mother’s sister). While browsing her page, I saw another page for him. I sent that page a request and it was accepted within minutes. We’ve messaged back and forth a bit, but nothing beyond that.

I wonder, though, will my ex someday end up messaging with my children and his other kids? How will he react when he finds out that Matt is alive?

 Social networking is a strange thing. We connect with people that we have never met and they can become some of our closest friends, while some of the people that we should have been with all along are our friends because of a sense of obligation. Is this our way of cobbling together our own chosen families?