[The Heart of the Matter] [Growing Pains] [The Miracle of Sex]
[Living in the Shadow][The Release]
“The people we are in relationship with are always mirrors reflecting our own beliefs… So relationships are one of the most powerful tools for growth…
If we honestly look at our relationships we can see so much about how we have created them.” –
Shakti Gawain
It is apparent that a great many fall in love with incredibly destructive partners, and seem powerless to control themselves in this regard. They furthermore also appear to be drawn to the same personality type whenever they do in this way “fall head over heals in love”.
While such a person will still find more constructive individuals sexually attractive based on the usual stimuli they may receive, they as a rule will only have a deep heartfelt connection with those of a particular personality or character type. And incredibly, they will do so no matter how abhorrent they rationally may perceive them to be.
Dr. Harville Hendrix, the psychologist who developed the revolutionary Imago Relationship Therapy, suggests that we tend to be romantically drawn to individuals who inadvertently bring up the unfinished emotional issues of our childhoods. Thus unless we don’t have these issues in our life and are drawn to the more wholesome characteristics of others, we unfortunately will unconsciously fall in love with individuals with personality characteristics that will cause us to re-enact the traumatic instances of our upbringing.
In this regard it appears that the general attraction to the object of our desire is similar to the general mental dynamics associated with our fearful thinking (the Votex) that was described in the previous chapters.
Of course on a purely logical level this is something we would not consciously do, primarily because it makes absolutely no sense that we willingly subject ourselves to relive the associated trauma. The reality though is that this will become a recurring theme of our lives until we do in this way face the demons of our past, by bringing the broken aspects of our psyche to the light that it may be healed. Thus the positive side is that this re-enactment in a sense allows one a second chance of going through the experience, to heal the particular fragmented aspect of our being.
Paradoxically, the more broken one is, the more one has this compelling need for the object of our desire; to the extent that one may feel one will die without having them in one’s life. In the extreme form the medical diagnosis for the resulting condition is termed Passive Dependent Personality Disorder and it is said to be one of the most prevalent psychological conditions in that most who suffer from it, are unaware that they may have a mental disease of sorts, for they indeed feel so deeply in love.
These powerful emotional currents we do experience in our hearts can be so intense that protracted feelings of this nature literally can be the cause of heart disease, and even death. Thus our heart can lead us down a path of destruction and despair as well. This is largely because the heart is not truly wise in-and-of-its-own, for it simply gives us the information we require based on our sense of Integration and Wholeness at any point in our life.
And while our heart indeed may guide us to the light, if we are broken, will even more compellingly attract us to the darkness associated with our shadow. Our shadow being the characters at play in our psyche that overwhelming dictates the quality of our life, but of whom we are blissfully unaware of. This certainly is not fair, particularly since those who have suffered most are likely to suffer even more because of their previous ill fate.
Unfortunately, I did not make this very real rule of how we unconsciously empower our darker side in numerous ways into our life. But I can only suppose that it comes from a place of greater wisdom than we can comprehend as viewed from the limited vantage of the painful consequences we experience as a result. It therefore requires we become aware of the unconscious characters that lurk within our thinking, and to do the necessary work of bringing them to the light. And if we do not, we will continue to engage the powerful forces of our unconscious mind unconsciously.
What this understanding comes down to is that we cannot escape the fact that who we are as adults, had been wholly forged in childhood by the beliefs about ourselves implanted by our parents and significant others. These are versions of reality about who we supposedly are, we have taken as being the truth in the absence of having the capacity to realistically do so for ourselves. This however was completely out of our control, occurring at a time when we were just so very young and impressionable, when those charged to take care of us in some way or another failed to adequately do so. And then to unknowingly perpetuate this unfortunate lie throughout our life.
The only path that we now can take to affect our healing is to become aware of the deceit we unconsciously may still be perpetuating. And based on the knowledge we gain about the true score, to painstakingly begin rewriting the script of who we are. In this way to forge a new destiny that can take us along the path to our Truth, towards Selfhood, and ultimately, towards freedom.
Extract from Paradox Lost and Found
© Newton Fortuin – 2006
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Comments
Very insightful post and knowledgeable on the aspects of the past in relationships. Thank you!
This is rather ....shattering info. Thanks a whole lot..jim
The following is from the introductory chapter of "A General Theory of Love":
Traditional versions of the mind hold that Passion is a troublesome remnant from humanity's savage past, and the intellectual subjugation of emotion is civilization's triumph. Logical but dubious derivations follow: emotional maturity is synonymous with emotional restraint. Schools can teach children missing emotional skills just as they impart the facts of geometry or history. To feel better, outthink your stubborn and recalcitrant heart. So says convention.
In this book, we demonstrate that where intellect and emotion clash, the heart often has the greater wisdom. In a pleasing turnabout, science-Reason's right hand-is proving this so. The brain's ancient emotional architecture is not a bothersome animal encumbrance. Instead, it is nothing less than the key to our lives. We live immersed in unseen forces and silent messages that shape our destinies. As individuals and as a culture, our chance for happiness depends on our ability to decipher a hidden world that revolves-invisibly, improbably, inexorably-around love.
This NewYorkTimes review is a decent summary of the book (and it contains my favorite E.M. Forster phrase: Only connect.)
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The Release
“Great souls are they who see that spiritual is stronger than material force, that thoughts rule the world.” – [Emerson]
One can literally define the spiritual journey as the striving to become the master of our Sensor, so to grow beyond our neurosis, and ultimately, our neurology. The addiction to any form of substance as well as behavior, being most indicative of how we fail in this task.
This journey therefore requires we develop the inner strength to navigate the painful circumstances required for growth to greater and greater levels of response-ability. Though, the endeavor is not merely about developing strength of will for strength of will’s sake. Rather, that we may reach a point where we can fully trust our hearts for our spirits to be released, so to fully be in our bliss.
For this reason the very purpose of our life is to be found in our respective struggles, being the forming ground of our wills, and therefore our inner Spirit. One can equate this to a beautiful butterfly taking shape from a seemingly inconsequential squirmy larva, though whose very purpose of being is to prepare itself for its great day of release as a magnificently winged creature.
How this relates to our own lives is poignantly described by the anecdote of the butterfly who was innocently helped to escape from its cocoon by a concerned bystander. In wanting to aid it in its struggle, he helped open the cocoon, but unintentionally releasing a butterfly that would never ever fly. Unknowingly denying it the time required for its wings to develop the necessary strength that it one day be capable of defying the forces drawing it to the ground. Instead, leaving a helpless creature that will whither away and die, without ever having had a chance to be what its magnificent life potential had promised it could be.
Similarly our journey through our Sensor is our own metaphorical struggle through our own psychological cocoon. And by working through its seemingly impenetrable shell, also to develop such strong mental wings that will similarly allow us to take off and fly.
In this analogy our head is represented by the worm whose primary purpose is to feed itself as best it can in order to sustain its essence on its painful journey to Selfhood. Living freely from our hearts on the other hand, being represented by the release of a marvelously winged creature.
Strangely enough for humans, their true release only happens much later in life. And if we are lucky, our early forties, and not when our bodies come of age at around eighteen as is the commonly held view. Though as I just intimated, “if we are lucky”, this process is not governed by luck all but the effort we make to pay attention to our thoughts. Unfortunately, in their avoidance of pain most live their life growing an ever thicker shell (or Sensor), with absolutely no regard for the magnificent being within that must be nurtured that it too one day may stretch its mental wings and fly.
And herein a great paradox is apparent. It being that the more broken we may have become because of our childhood circumstances, the more life may be preparing us to soar to ever greater heights of being. That is if we can just exhibit the courage to endure the temporary pain such a journey may require of us to get there.
Thus on the most fundamental level, the spiritual journey is not about what we do. Instead our spiritual essence is formed by how we choose to think. And only then, from how we – as a result of our thoughtful struggles and deliberations – choose to act.
To this end an awareness of our destructive thinking – whether it emanates from the Devil, the Victim, the Strangler, the Cavalier, the Enforcer, the Vortex or the Conjurer as detailed in the following section – and how it draws negative consequences to our lives, is the all important first step that is required to affect such inner growth. Beyond that we must become constantly vigilant of the stimulus around us and how we formulate our thoughts in relation to them.
All along while engaging your life’s journey to bear in mind that, while you may have set a clear vision of the confident individual you one day want to be, to be patient with yourself. It requires the knowledge that in having made the commitment to that end, you are already there. It is to have faith that your life will be as it must. While all along appreciating that life is about the journey, by enjoying the numerous little stops on the way; and that it not necessarily is about the final destination at all.
It is to realize that our fate is the life we’ve been born into; our destiny is what we choose to make of it.
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I'm sure feisty Eros will have the answer here. I'm somewhat stepping on her pretty little toes. But...
The cocoon analogy is not only excellent poetry, but serious science, i think...though we're talking Wissenshaft here, the Sweet Science Blake says will rule the day after the game is done. After the end of the world....kind of a Goethian figure, aren't you?...
Metamorphosis was built into Nature, this is a fact. We study its physical characteristics in our insect , fog, and toad friends. What intrigues me is the pupa stage, when feeding and locomotion are ceased. Reminds me of asceticism, and Buddhist "sit the hell still" instructions....the cessation of nourishment and movement....as the change unfolds...
Unfinished business...that is what the un-conscious is striving to complete. Intrapsychic karma. The childhood trauma. There was avoidance, retreat, at that point. A seed crystal thrown into further development, around which further evolution bent, as best it could. Regression therapies useful there. Go back, address it, and
change the organism. Like...time travel, isnt it? The past as the future. The past can be fixed, except we all say, in unison: "well, you CANT change the past." Bullshit. We are a species of MEANING. Meaning is changed,...as you seem to say when you advise to think your way straight,....and the rest shifts & flows into new meaning-gestalts. Dreams as the rayal road there...
"our very purpose inour struggle"...but not so we can al go on Oprah & bitch & moan. We seem to be at the point where we are damn well aware of our mistakes, and we gotta pay to be able to say it. Then we get a wet blanket hug & are told, "honey, we all go through it..." What the fuck kinda comfort is THAT? I am a self ish animal, i want...no, need...to unfold my being...MY being....screw yours...the only damn answer here is simply to understand there is ONLY ONE BEING...i am you as you are he and he is she and we are all together..but in a raical way, not a wet hanky way....we are one be-ing....my I is your I, just different....
go mull them paradoxes & when yre ready rip outta that cocoon...
Jim
nd whts this: the deceit we unconsciously may still be perpetuating?
The next phase, starting from as early as two or three year old when it peaks with the terrible two’s, is the neurotic phase of childhood development. This is where we become aware of the limitations of our personal power and we realize we are only a tiny weak human being that knows very little about the oftentimes harsh world it is born into. The next stage is where our sense of self is largely firstly by the love of our parents, but later in teenage years mostly by the acceptance of our peers. In a sense we become broken, uncertain about how we fit into the greater scheme of things. Thus our psyches largely become fragmented in late childhood as we come to terms with our respective realities. Much of our fragmentation also happens because of our parents, whether it was intentionally done or not, but usually happens to a greater or lesser extent regardless of them. This brokenness essentially is a positive growth phase in childhood development, and those who remain in the narcissistic phase potentially can become extremely destructive individuals, usually the spoilt brats of the world believing the world revolves around them.
Adulthood then is the process of reconstituting our broken psyche, to bring it into alignment and wholeness, in other words, into integrity with self.
As a natural aspect of nature it seems, we are attracted to the personality aspects of those individuals who seem to have the characteristics we most lack in our selves at that time. Often when abuse is also involved, we are somehow drawn to the exact character type of the abuser, this is very much associated with behavior related to our fears—see The Vortex. We therefore seek that person to heal us, to make us whole again, “You complete me” being the typical response to finding such a person. This is because this state of falling in love is a hormonal stimulus which does indeed create that temporary cessation or release from our feelings of brokenness and aloneness, though very much like a drug like morphine also does.
This feeling usually lasts until the proverbial honeymoon is over, and the hormonal overdose subsides, and we have to live with person we now appear to be wholly incompatible with. Of course, if we are whole to begin with, we would seek a whole individual, and thus the drama would then be averted. This though is usually only possible when two very mature individuals, or perhaps those who may previously have been through a destructive and unsustainable relationship, and opted to leave.
Examples of a particular psychic dynamic would be, if a child were forced to be responsible very early in their life, let’s say a single mother situation, or a drug addict parent, he (assuming it’s a male) would then of necessity become either very responsible or irresponsible. If the former, such a person may also develop a tendency to be very controlling or perhaps a lot more mature of their years in terms of their material life, but perhaps not so emotionally. To enact on the need to control their environment they may develop a need or compulsion to draw in a free spirited person into their life who therefore would satisfy this unconscious fractured aspect of their psyche. The free spirited person on the other hand may in fact unconsciously desire a person to set boundaries as they had lacked it in their life. Unfortunately these are the exact characteristics which will cause friction amongst each other as the responsible partner becomes resentful of the free spirited one for flaunting all the rules, while the free spirited person becomes resentful as their style is being cramped. Of course a relationship requires compromise, and so the needs of the other person is acknowledged, and personal changes can be affected, these individuals will grow from each others unconscious proclivities, and so become increasing whole and balanced individuals. To the extent they are not able to do this, will indeed make each other utterly miserable.
The deceit we may unconsciously be perpetuating is that we will be looking at the other as being the problem, instead of holding the mirror up to oneself. It is to acknowledge the reason why one had attracted that person into one’s life, and that change and growth of oneself cannot begin by changing that person, but to begin the change in oneself. As Gandhi said, you’ve got to “be the change you want to see in the world”.
you used our Citizenship curriculum maxim when you quoted Gandhi in such an unusual context. thanks, I see - quite a bit of it. Not all of it as part of me protects and shields me from thought that would tear the veil as it were - somehow the glare of knowing it really is like standing in the sun at midday- tiring ;)
But: how & why? It's all well and good to state the obvious, as you have here. At least to me, with my New Eyes. Bought at a place where they train mentally ill people to get into advocacy....that's my gig. I will be an "Advocate". Yes...
I realize the goddamned biblical symbolism, but ach, thats me. That is my point:
I have been crucified my whole life. I used to symbolize myself as Socrates. That was the vison dream i had one of the first times i sampled the wonder-cure of gaia, cannabis. I sahll not waste my time arguing the health bullshit. It mends the soul. It is illegal. That is a sin...
PPeriod. Because: i eventually re-symbolized myself as Guess Who. But not really. I was aware oaf it. Yet i kept doing it. Now i am consciously doing it to fuck with people's heads when i need to, to bring change to this fucking planet. I am not delusional. I have a training regimen. I am going to be a state-recognized Recovery Support Specialist in CT, USA. I will also be a craxzy poet/philosopher who is canny to the system. I will be the revenge of Hegel & Blake & nietzsche & heidegger & whoever the fuck else i can think of to study....i am a serious guy, with a serious crazy message:
peace now, or die.last chance.
ach
James M. Emmerling, chilling out & having a ball for the first time in his miserable, symbol-laden existence...