[The Heart of the Matter] [Growing Pains] [The Miracle of Sex]
[Living in the Shadow][The Release]
“Great souls are they who see that spiritual is stronger than material force, that thoughts rule the world.” – [Emerson]
One can literally define the spiritual journey as the striving to become the master of our Sensor, so to grow beyond our neurosis, and ultimately, our neurology. The addiction to any form of substance as well as behaviour, being most indicative of how we fail in this task.
This journey therefore requires we develop the inner strength to navigate the painful circumstances required for growth to greater and greater levels of response-ability. Though, the endeavour is not merely about developing strength of will for strength of will’s sake. Rather, that we may reach a point where we can fully trust our hearts for our spirits to be released, so to fully be in our bliss.
For this reason the very purpose of our life is to be found in our respective struggles, being the forming ground of our wills, and therefore our inner Spirit. One can equate this to a beautiful butterfly taking shape from a seemingly inconsequential squirmy larva, though whose very purpose of being is to prepare itself for its great day of release as a magnificently winged creature.
How this relates to our own lives is poignantly described by the anecdote of the butterfly who was innocently helped to escape from its cocoon by a concerned bystander. In wanting to aid it in its struggle, he helped open the cocoon, but unintentionally releasing a butterfly that would never ever fly. Unknowingly denying it the time required for its wings to develop the necessary strength that it one day be capable of defying the forces drawing it to the ground. Instead, leaving a helpless creature that will whither away and die, without ever having had a chance to be what its magnificent life potential had promised it could be.
Similarly our journey through our Sensor is our own metaphorical struggle through our own psychological cocoon. And by working through its seemingly impenetrable shell, also to develop such strong mental wings that will similarly allow us to take off and fly.
In this analogy our head is represented by the worm whose primary purpose is to feed itself as best it can in order to sustain its essence on its painful journey to Selfhood. Living freely from our hearts on the other hand, being represented by the release of a marvellously winged creature.
Strangely enough for humans, their true release only happens much later in life. And if we are lucky, our early forties, and not when our bodies come of age at around eighteen as is the commonly held view. Though as I just intimated, “if we are lucky”, this process is not governed by luck all but the effort we make to pay attention to our thoughts. Unfortunately, in their avoidance of pain most live their life growing an ever thicker shell (or Sensor), with absolutely no regard for the magnificent being within that must be nurtured that it too one day may stretch its mental wings and fly.
And herein a great paradox is apparent. It being that the more broken we may have become because of our childhood circumstances, the more life may be preparing us to soar to ever greater heights of being. That is if we can just exhibit the courage to endure the temporary pain such a journey may require of us to get there.
Thus on the most fundamental level, the spiritual journey is not about what we do. Instead our spiritual essence is formed by how we choose to think. And only then, from how we – as a result of our thoughtful struggles and deliberations – choose to act.
To this end an awareness of our destructive thinking – whether it emanates from the Devil, the Victim, the Strangler, the Cavalier, the Enforcer, the Vortex or the Conjurer as detailed in the following section – and how it draws negative consequences to our lives, is the all important first step that is required to affect such inner growth. Beyond that we must become constantly vigilant of the stimulus around us and how we formulate our thoughts in relation to them.
All along while engaging your life’s journey to bear in mind that, while you may have set a clear vision of the confident individual you one day want to be, to be patient with yourself. It requires the knowledge that in having made the commitment to that end, you are already there. It is to have faith that your life will be as it must. While all along appreciating that life is about the journey, by enjoying the numerous little stops on the way; and that it not necessarily is about the final destination at all.
It is to realise that our fate is the life we’ve been born into; our destiny is what we choose to make of it.
Extract From
A chapter of
© Newton Fortuin – 2006
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But back to the content, which is fascinating and thought-provoking, as always. That metaphor about the concerned bystander innocently helping the butterfly escape its cocoon is especially intriguing. This is something I think about often when witnessing suffering—whether directly or indirectly through the lens of another’s camera. It makes me think of the documentary filmmaker and the dilemma of documenting an experience or situation that may be deeply troubling while feeling compelled to refrain from helping for the sake of preserving the authenticity of the situation. I wish I could remember the name of that principle. For a second, I thought it was Sturgeon’s law, but I looked that up and it has nothing to do with what I’m talking about. But then I also thought of a documentary where the filmmaker consciously broke that fourth wall and did decide to help. What was that, now? I want to say Blue Vinyl, but I’m not sure of that either. You keep teasing out these half-memories I can’t quite seem to put my finger on, which drives me a little bit crazy but is a bit like tickling the brain. (Oh, I think maybe it was Born into Brothels? No, that’s not it. Michael’s trying to help me remember this now because it’s familiar to him, too, but we’re stumped for the moment.)
This idea about actually doing more harm than good by interfering with the well-intentioned desire to help really ties into some of the conversations Michael and I have had about this subject. There’s this very tenuous balance between helping and harming, and where and how do you actually tell when one starts to bleed into the other? Sitting back and doing nothing in the face of suffering is almost unbearable to consider, but you’re right in that this is where the beautiful chrysalis occurs, and sometimes it’s best to let that development happen naturally without the clumsy, bruising attempts of an outsider to “help.” But you don’t know that you’ve done damage before it’s too late. On the other hand, if you don’t heed your compassionate instinct to extend your hand, that could do damage (by omission), as well. Hmm . . .
And then that final line: “our destiny is what we choose to make of it.”
This is quite profound, but I’m afraid all I can think of is this speech I had to give in eighth grade. The topic was “Destiny: Choice, Not Chance.” My speech was actually chosen for a list of finalists in some competition, and it was my first experience with stage fright. I had been reworking my speech shortly before I had to give it, partly because there was this really strange metaphor about a fortune cookie in there that had some language that was accidentally suggestive and even made some people (including me) laugh. So I was trying to figure out how to take the metaphor out, but the whole thing started falling apart. So I left it in but then felt self-conscious about it while reading my speech. And I made the mistake of going by notes on an index card instead of having the full-text in front of me. So not long into the speech, I got struck by that dumbfounding stupidity (or was it stupifying dumbness?) caused by self-consciousness. You know, the one where when you’re giving a speech, it causes your brain to turn to porridge and you no longer know what you were saying before, let alone what you’re supposed to being saying next. So you pause awkwardly, embarrassingly, and then try to fumble back into focus, but you never quite get over the burnishing redness of your cheeks until you stumble away from the podium and out of the room. Fortunately, that was the worst experience I've ever had on that front. A few months ago, I found myself standing with absolutely no preparation in front of a roomful of mostly strangers, expected to give a presentation on a topic I wasn’t even that familiar with because I was covering for my boss while she was attending another event. And I was shocked to realize that I didn’t have the slightest degree of discomfort, self-consciousness, or anxiety about speaking off the cuff to these people. It was a really strange feeling. I was glad, but it was also weird to be so nonchalant about something that formerly would’ve terrified me. To come full circle, I guess that gets around to the idea of our destiny being choice, rather than chance. But did I really choose this path, or was it simply a natural outgrowth from the convergence of nature and nurture extended over my lifetime thus far? Hmm, more food for thought . . .
—Melissa
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Indeed our addictions, which are related to our fear response as discussed in The Vortex, cease to be a controlling force in our lives when we do get to a point in our lives when we are able to come from serenity, courage and wisdom. That is when the need for sensory fulfillment is not the overwhelming driver of our lives.
The knowing the difference part, coming from a place of wisdom, is the point in our lives when too become released, and we just know from a deeper profound place. Until then a healthy dose of neurosis, of perhaps overextending ourselves, of suffering and struggling, is far better than one not doing anything at all, to rather take the easy way out. See, once one fully detaches, it’s near impossible to find any middle ground as we literally have become switched off. Being overly engaged, even at our own expense, at least gives us the opportunity to allow ourselves to find that comfortable medium.
I personally view it this way(or perhaps I’ve read this somewhere): I’ve changed the bible verse “Blessed are the week in spirit for they will inherit the kingdom of heaven” to mean “blessed are the neurotic and anxious for they will inherit the kingdom of heaven”.
This ties in with your speechmaking experience as well, you are now in speechmakers heaven as you’ve conquered your anxiety and are literally able to flow from the wellspring of your inner wisdom.
And by the way, what a splendid connection once again, your first speech was “Destiny: Choice, Not Chance”, what more can I say.
And about your question: “But did I really choose this path, or was it simply a natural outgrowth from the convergence of nature and nurture extended over my lifetime thus far?”
Again, as always, it’s complicated.
As the experiment in The Heart of the Matter suggests, we seem to be able to sense our future, and so it in a way seems to suggest some predetermination. Though it should not be seen this way, the future is malleable as we have infinitely many futures to choose from, thus we choose our destiny every second, so every second we are literally choosing a different future. Our intuitions simple are tools to guide us towards an optimal path at any point in time, but we are yet the decision maker. We may still choose to go down the limited path of the sensory overload of our Sensor, albeit that our deeper drives can send us down a path of doom as well if we are not aware and become the master of the forces of our unconscious mind…
I so believe this. I have lived this and know it is true. Now, I am trying to remember it as I raise my own children. I just wrote a post about watching my daughter struggle through something and my own anxiety about helping or not. Metaness kindly shared the butterfly story and pointed me to your post. That story so exactly illustrates just what I think I instinctivly knew but was also fighting against as I battled internally about whether or not to provide more assistance to my child. In the end, I didn't and she has begun to fly - just the right amount for her 8 year old self.
A fine, thoughtful read. Which I swear I've read before. Hm.
Newton, my pally boy & i were JUST discussing the ssue of being patione with ourselves...so again synchronicity has reared it s ...or should we metaphorise it as "HER"...beutiful heads...
speaking of which...where is eros again? Iran? or...Perhaps...India...yes....my dear friend, an 83 yr old young lady, informs me that there will be a total eclipse of the sun over India on July 12, & watch out! ....
Yes, certainly she is assuaging their primitive fears that the astronomical event will somehow affect human destinies...ah, what charming superstition ...except....my young friend is usually right...especially about my behavior during full moons...
"not what we do, what we think". think, then do. Wouldnt it be incredible if we could get tho the point of doing/thinking...do you see what i mean? do...means action, after
consideration....will, of course, is involved...will to what, though? you say to develop. Satan can pop his head in & afffect yr transactions . Tell you : better to regress? To what? To animal satisfactions...which are? food. Get food. Get that yummy stuff . Leafs. Vegetable matter.
But then, aha! an animal that eats other animals. What the f? Seems ...unnatural. Well, no, Nature has Her rules, red in tooth & claw, etc. Even chimps eat meat. Gorillas? Bonobos, those sexy things?
Animals that eat animals. Consume them. So: Consumption. consume: destro, eat up, devour.engross, also...absorb the attention of...as prey absorbs the attention of the predator...
What would have consumd the attention of our ancestors, the manapes, Newton? Not the apemans, not the creatures that were MORE than apes...(how,exactly,again?i forget..),but the creatures evolving (totally..randomly?ha.i doubt it)
TO human. (Why no more evolution, Newton?) And...ok,also.. what about the manapes? (following my flow i hope...?) not the apemen anymore...how many transitional species? Were they "species"?When did the human species start, Newton?When?How?In Gradulity or a leap? a...
quantum leap? a leap of degree...like the electron is here one second & woops there the next? I think we had a leap...
up we went. What happened? I mean, in ...um...pedestrain terms? LIke: the first humans had to have been born to ...what are we calling them?...apemen? inbetweeners? HA! Sure...
the inbetweeners ...hominids...who lived in tribes or groups...(how was their society structured, do you spose?)..they must have one day....
had a female give birth...to a very very different thing in the universe!now...
did it happen in only one grouop? liike fruits suddenly popping outta a tree? bloomtime? or...on differnet trees, ie differnt tribes, spread out across the...world? some continent? now..
when humans emerged, how did they see differently? smell?feel? hear? compared to their parents...and..looky here...didnt they have the SAME bodies as their parents? so...how did bodies change? how big were theri brains..?
shouldnt we call the leap the leap to ...soul....mind? isnt what makes it "different" : the more perfect integration of the whatever-it-is-that-is-evollving(spirit?), to do a simonetta with all them "-"'s...i am melding into her ...ach..next i'll be..spelling well...&...using "/" 's...
and the iI , mMind, etc stuff ...the more perfect integrating...uniting...blending ...into a functional whole...unity..incorporating the whatever it is into a one...
this suddennew "oneness", this united being (not of the tribe,collective mind)...how did it RECOGNIZE others of its kind...and ...what if it couldnt...and mated with one of the tribe...certainly inter-"species" blending of genetics was made...so...
its too incredibly complicated, the GENE POOL...or is it? not rally..we share alot of genes with anteaters & weasels & possums & candy bars & bisquits, dont we? or do we? well, chimps certainly...
now..furthermore...how does this "evolutionary" flow DECIDE what tot do...or is it just an everflowing BLEND?
i would appreciate answers to all these questions within...oh, i'll give ya an hr..
JME
no!
issue of being patient,like my fingers
should
be,
more.
`
I browsed a few Japanese Geisha poems.
- A Lifeless Life. If he flame of Love
Once ceased to burn, Ah, how hideously
Cold this world would be. (20th century)
`
- When thread gets tangled, you set it free again, yet ...
People tangle together. It is not so easy to untangle that.
Not so easy to untangle. Love enmeshed - pair of wine bottles
set side by side. Intimacy. Too much intimacy and a third party's
Interest. Cools off rapidly. (from:`Fourth Set of Evening Songs)
- How full of pain is love unknown! A "lady-lilly" blooming
Amidst luxuriant grasses - Upon the summer moor-alone!
- again I love this one:` never even noticed the misspellings
then- an old love letter! (Ishikawa Takuboku, 1885 - 1912)
- Message sent to Lady Nijo - The sorrow, the heart's hurt-
Words cannot render this. I saw her so briefly. The women of my dreams. (13th century)
- Her Reply - Will your heart change? I do not know.
Indifferently I watch Chrysanthemums fade. (Confession)
- ... For a night of love the eager girls quietly push open
their wooden doors, and their lovers grope, then clasp
the hands they sought, and sleep, beloved arms entwined.
But such nights are few and soon the lover goes with age's
hand-staff carried by his side. (Lament from the instability
of Human Life? Yamanoue Okura. Nara Period)
- There are men you marry and it's so boring;
There are those you don't marry and Love grows.
(Japanese Folk song)
- Blessed Man.- He is indeed a man upon happiness'
height,
Who can hear his wife's till his black hair turns white.
(anonymous. I change this to "does not hear"... voice)
Newton Fortuin.
Thanks. Interesting.
I enjoy how your Post thoughts inspires thought. on and on.
oNCE AGAIN YE HAVE STEPPED INTO CONTOVERSY!
you have changed this beautiful poem...
"h e is indeed a man upon happiness' height
who can hear his wife's voice till
his black hair turn white"
you cant change poetry! ach!
i would be blessed indeed to hear a lovely voice in my ear
a mocking gentle vibrant fiery voice that
prhaps knows me better than i myself do....
anyway, i have other SERIOUS issues with yr poetry....
eager groping girls! where is this, exactly?
Japan?
then: why would we drop a big atom bomb, 2 ach-tually? on these girls?
nonsense...
you are a head-case, sire...
and! these men not married, loved afar!
wo can say what is in their hearts...
maybe they wish nuptials,
but have important japanese zen painting,
or wood-block chopping up
to do...
what say ye?
and what say ye,
newton, re my queries...? hallooo? any
one home? or are ye out groping
geishas?
?
But anyway...to the point of your above exposition, Newton, on fate and helpful-harmful bystanders... In my experience, even when such bystanders have harmed (me) with their good intentions, it's just fed into the traumatic caterpillar-to-butterfly process. Every hard knock builds resiliency. So it seems to me that every second, however we choose to "use" it on our way into the future, leads to the same place - but only, as you note, on condition that we welcome the knocks as lenders of strength. Which takes time and hindsight, usually. The only times I've really treasured the second I'm in have been my manic times, when the helpful-harmful bystanders told me I was sick. But the fact that time has nevertheless kept marching on has given me the gift of hindsight, which reminds me of the exhaustion that comes with life in-the-moment, and keeps me in the "happy" medium part of the spectrum. The trick has been to recognize that extreme momentous-ness - looking at - and sobering memory - looking back - and even deep sadness/anxiety - which for me comes largely from looking forward - are all gifts. Though, as for most people, my favorite has been looking at. :) I don't know about the exhaustion until later, after all.
then you are in the here & now...it is f-ing glorious. the only place to be..
yre ALREADY THERE....ALWAYS...SO NOW BE AWARE OF IT..
indeed, we bis are a secret subculture...split apart...drugged into oblivion...separated...
bceause the blue Meanies need it to be that way, u know that...
where would their economy go if we were all saviours? of the eternal now?
hm?
in the tank, thats where!
ha
Arthur, once again thanking your wonderful ensemble, it will definitely go into more chamber of wisdoms for future reference.
Keen, what can I say, the connections have been credible over the past few weeks, and there is a definite thread amongst a definite group, a family as you refer to, which is beyond amazement. I experience it as a landscape of its very own, which like any beautiful vista should be enjoyed for the mere fact that it is so. About your reference to “we welcome the knocks as lenders of strength”, but that it usually often only comes in hindsight, the key I think is to view these inputs/emotions as “clouds passing over us”, as per Angelina Simonetta aka Eros. The key is to identify them dispassionately before we decide to give them our passion/emotion—I know, this is much harder said than done, but that is they key to self mastery that particularly the “disordered” need to master. I know, as a kid I’ve been told I was ADHD and given medication as it robbed of my of who I knew I was. I chose not to take it and I was prepared to live with the consequences. As an adult I was told I had an Anxiety disorder, I would break up in uncontrolled anxiety for no apparent reason I and I couldn’t trust my response in any given social circumstance. And again I was given meds, and after week I chose not to take it as I did not wish to be the numbed down person for the sake of social conformity. I learnt to live with my tumultuous energies, read them, identify them, and then go with the ones who will take me to shore. It’s like surfing, but in a storm. I life in the Cape of Storms, and the best surf usually comes in the dead of winter when the storms are at its greatest. The key is to catch the wave on its cusp, it takes real strength and mastery. So you’ve got to view your thoughts and their associated emotions as well, an emotion cannot well in us without a thought, and then develop the ability/skill to identify the one’s which we should just let pass us by, and the one’s to take us to shore, and so to have the thrill of our lives.
James, what can I say, we’re on the same wave here:
life in the moment doesn’t have to be exhausting...it can be mighty bewildering but if you can manage to do it...bloodlessly, expecting synchronicity, seeing the associations & just mentally noting them...beyond emotions...into fucking BLISS....into rapture, the religious people call it...into vision..
then you are in the here & now...it is f-ing glorious. The only place to be…yre ALREADY THERE.... ALWAYS...SO NOW BE AWARE OF IT…
About your theory on mental illness, I want to get to it, but will only do so if I can give it my full attention. My apologies.
"Strangely enough for humans, their true release only happens much later in life. And if we are lucky, our early forties, and not when our bodies come of age at around eighteen as is the commonly held view"
One only needs watch an eigtheen year old to determine that they have oh so far to go. Unless, of course you ask the opinion of that eighteen year-old :-)
I do love your philosophical writings, Newton. thank you for sharing them with us.
Thanks, Newton, as always, for putting your thoughts out here for us. Although the journey is individual, knowing that others are surviving it helps a lot. Having a framework in which to put the experience helps a lot as well.
Happy, fourth of July!!!
You can see a representation of that on a post I made a couple days ago
http://open.salon.com/blog/boomer_bob/2009/07/01/what_will_make_me_proud_this_july_4th_thai_game_hens
I began earnestly seeking growth in my early thirties when I was still a truck driver. I suddenly had an insatiable desire to “do something more with myself”. It wasn’t as if I didn’t enjoy driving a truck, quite the contrary in fact, I enjoyed the peacefulness of the road, but I just needed more personally. I changed industries to health care and began attending school in my late thirties and early forties.
I thought I was a “late bloomer,” a term often used in this country to describe those who begin that growth at a later age. After a few conversations with other middle-aged students and people on-line, I discovered they had begun feeling the same desires, often expressing the exact same thoughts as my own.
I’m not one to believe in coincidence. A coincidence is stopping at a stoplight, next to a car just like your own, with a driver who looks just like yourself. So, after repeated conversations resulting in the same responses, I began to see that there was far more to the revelation I was witnessing, much more than an egocentric perception of my own growth; that perhaps there was a reason I and many, many others seem to experience an explosion of growth during their late thirties and early forties.
“That is if we can just exhibit the courage to endure the temporary pain such a journey may require of us to get there.....
Thus on the most fundamental level, the spiritual journey is not about what we do. Instead our spiritual essence is formed by how we choose to think. And only then, from how we – as a result of our thoughtful struggles and deliberations – choose to act”
You hit it square on with this, Newton. I was raised by ultra-religious, conservative, narrow-minded thinkers and my own early life was, of course, a reflection of theirs. That is until I chose to force myself to look at things openly and through education, especially in the so called “liberal arts.”
I may not be a butterfly, but I can get close – perhaps a moth :-)
I’ll be proud of my education and the fact that we have that available when so many in the world don’t. I started my educational trek very late in life, receiving my bachelor’s degree in my mid 40s.
I refuse to seek a predesigned degree program any longer, at 57 it’s not like I need to continue down that road. Besides they rarely have the things I value in education – Philosophy, Cultural Anthropology, Sociology, Creative Writing, all classes that helped build me into the tolerant individual that I am, accepting all for who they and even walking away with a very good understanding of other’s cultures.
At 57, I still attend college courses regularly, seeming a little out of place with the youngsters, but most think I must be a friend of the professor anyway, so live and let live. For the money, education is the best value out there and the cheapest form of truly quality entertainment.
I was asked by one of my employees one time “why do you just take classes for the hell of it?” My answer was “that my student loans are deferred every time I take a class. This way, I’ll die before I ever have to repay them.”
The real answer? I simply love it.
Cheers!
luna moth.
i find a buncha dead moths in my
light fixture,
really making alot of work for me?????
and when is this damned cult
all gonna be ...i dunno...
around simultaneouly,
at least in a time space sense...
i am fing bored and i want synch-
ronicity again,
now,
you damn giraffe loving
beautiful baldheaded soul?
GAH!
jim
yeah man let me count the ways...........ach