MAY 4, 2011 10:23AM

Secret Workshops Of The MFA Writing Program Illuminati

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I was Homeless In New York City: Poetry Workshop:

You'll learn from professional poets and homeless people how to survive the streets and then write about it in lines and lines of naked, needy poetry. You'll also learn what to wear when you're homeless, what to eat out of trash cans and how to talk crazy to distract muggers or people you who think they know you from when you used to go hear Toni Morrision speak at Princeton.

This workshop will be taught by Richard X Epstien who spent 18 weeks in the bowels of the subway in the same threadbare Land's End sweater. There he developed an acute Egg McMuffin phobia but kept his thin hold on reality by talking to his imaginary companion, Jake, the scab- picker and reciting Howl in it's intirety when it rained. Richard has written 18 chapbooks of poetry about the experience and is currently writing a musical version for Broadway.

My Mother Was An Alcoholic, I've had a breakdown but I'm Okay Now: Memoir Workshop:

Sylvia Blankenship, an unpublished personal essayist whose work has been called "stripped and wrought of all human need and nakedness" by her high school English teacher--will show you how to capture in awful poetic grace all those hazy dazy foggy childhood memories that more than likely happened to someone else and make them your own. She will then show you how to take your gut-wrenching memoir and turn into nice narrative chunks of poetry by using her patented line-breaking system.

God Talks To Me But I'm Not Jesus: Nonfiction Seminar:

You, too, can get a book contract for talking to the Big Guy when you take Michael "Tootie" Turkman's seminar on how to use those manic experiences to your advantage. Turkman a frequent visitor to Belvue, Mount Sinai, and the parking lot behind Macy's says,

"God talks to us all the time but sometimes He's a mumbler." He will teach you how to "turn up the volume" so you can hear what God is saying to you and how you can parlay that into a best-selling book or six week reality show.

Remember Me, I Was The Number One Poet In The 1970's: The McKuen Come Back Lectures.

Rod McKuen was hands down the best-selling poet of his generation. He was on Merv, Mike, and Dick-- sometimes on the same day. Then he wrote his memoir and came out and his literary ride to fame, fortune and Hollywood Squares guest appearances abruptly ended. Now, Rod McKuen, through a series of gut-wrenching lectures will reveal the naked neediness of his rise to fame and subsequent fall from literary grace and how he plans to get back on top, baby.

I'm A Loser But I Can Write About My Feelings: Journaling Circle:

Led by Queer Eye For The Straight Guy reject Fung Shui food expert, Jackson Goldblum and Dave from Paradise Hotel. They will show you that being a loser makes you a winner when you write about your self-esteem building affirmations in your journal that you create from scratch!

Turn Me Into A Literary Sensation:

The Six Week Make-Over:

First: We will send you to Iowa where a cracker jack team of workshop literary gurus will help you remember all those repressed memories by pretending to be the voice of God or your dead mother. They will help you cull all that raw sewage that is your life and show you how to turn it into catchy lyrics and sell it to corporations like MCI and Haleburton.

NEXT: We will toss you on the streets of New York City for two weeks with an option to spend an additional two weeks at a Synegogue or Gay bar or both because being a homeless gay Jew in New York City always trumps just being homeless in today-s publishing circles.

THEN: We will wisk you away to a time share in Florida to write your memoir and show you how to take all the stuff discarded by the editor and turn it into poetry.

LAST: You will get preened and pristined our Queer Eye reject who will also show you what direction your honey-roasted asparagus tips should be in to bring the most harmony into your life. We will then purchase at least a half page ad in the New York Post advertising your toney memoir reading in the Village sponsored by Mogan David.

Prices, subjects and speakers are subject to change without notice.

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humor, writing

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First of all let me say that I am happy to see you back.. and.. what a great post to read and welcome you back.
Missed you and rated with hugs
Hee!! I'm holding out for the "My Parents Loved Me, So What am I Supposed to Write About? Memoir Workshop"
I am a poet and I was homeless for 4 years hitchhiking Seattle to Miami to San Diego. I write about it in long rambling poems of naked verse. I got an A in that seminar.
Christine! Thanks for sharing this! Wondered where you've been...LOL Blessings...