I dreamed I was sitting in my kitchen.  Before me sat the oldest, most decrepit man I have ever seen, wirey grey hair exploding everywhere, calmly sucking a glass of tea through a sugar cube.  He seemed to be regarding me or maybe it was the untouched herring on my plate, it was hard to tell.

"AlterCocker", I said to him, "you are so wise.  I implore you.  Tell me why - why can't we all be Like Mike?"

He thought about this for a moment.  Then, he swiftly reached over to my plate and jabbed at a naked herring with his swirling fork, reminding me of a Masaii warrior wrapped in a shmata reeking of mothballs. 

Gulping down the herring whole, he sagely replied:

"Nu" he said, "Mike can still jump 38 feet straight up in the air, you knucklehead!" 

Then he belched.

At that moment I realized I was at a meeting of my mind and all around the table were my Alter Egos loudly arguing about Sarah Palin. 

"I am calling this meeting to order!  You will refrain from all your hyperbole.  There will be no shouting out ‘SHOE WHORE!’ or 'eat moose and die’, and absolutely positively you must stop yelling 'send Trig to the death panels Nazibot witch burner’!  We will follow the example of our fearless leader Obama and take the high road". 

Pointing at a poster of this glamorous ex-politician slash Northernmost nutcutlet,  I said,

"This woman was Almost Commander in Chief.  She represents the ultimate, the creme de la creme of our first class American educational system, she's an example AND a roll model for shiksa mental cases everywhere, a regular Eleanora Rooosavolt type, to boot!  They love her, they follow her open toe come fuck me pumps anywhere!  So no matter what her present or future mental state, we will show proper respect."

AlterCocker, scoffing a fistful of rugalah from the platter yelled to no one in particular: "Don't be putzes all your life!".  AlterAlterEgoMonkey enthusiastically agreed then ran sobbing from the room.  (another identity crisis.) 

AlteredStateMonkey climbed up from under the table, did a hoochycoochy dance showing everyone her granny panties and passed out cold. 

AlterCocker lost no time digging into her share of the gahocta laben shmaltz while The AlterNatorMonkey snarled menacingly in German as she fiddled at her old sink.  Another dish went flying!

Ducking, I began wringing my hands, terrified we weren't wearing the correct day of the week panties on our heads when the scene drifted to St. Bonzo's Holy Cathedral and Produce Stand…

AltaredMonkey stood naked facing away, her globulous derriere shimmering like a magnificent bowl of warm jello; choirs of angels hummed and holy shafts of light illuminated this stunning visage as she turned now to face us. She appeared to have been washed in a lumpy yellow substance that smelled an awful lot like mashed bananas.

Then she spoke - clearly and simply and her words touched all our hearts:

 "Tell her I said to eat me”.