Okay. You need to hear this. I've had it with how you drive. You are not following the rules! So I'm giving you and everyone else fair warning. The time has come!
First of all, drive in one lane. Not two.
That means you have to make a decision. If you can’t do it, let your wife or husband or kids drive. That’ll straighten out your indecisive ass. NO STRADDLING!
Pick a lane and stay there for a few minutes. Hold the steering wheel steady. No surprises. I’m sick of all your surprises. Driving shouldn’t be a goddamned party for one, where you have all the fun, dancing and sliding around and surprising everyone. I want to know what you’re going to do!
If you decide to change lanes, you have to signal. Use those signals that you paid big bucks for. This is why your car has them - for you to USE. If your car is a heap of crap and the signals aren't working, use your hands - like handjive - use those handsignals! When you use these tools, I will know you’re changing lanes.
And you know what? I’ll leave room for you to fit in. Other people will too. And anyone who doesn’t will hear from me! You have my word on it. If they don’t listen I have my fleet of powerful moving cranes to remove them. Trust me, I will use the power vested in me!
This leads me to:
When you see me signaling, don’t you dare speed up! You MUST let me in. This is important - so pay attention. You have to make room for me and enough of these stupid aggressive shenanigans! You better listen up because I’m not playing with you fuckers anymore!
No tailgating!
NO butt fucking my car if I’m in front of you. Stop that! It’s indecent. It's vehicular sodomy. It’s dangerous. And it’s not nice. I take offense. This is becoming personal!
question: Why are you talking on your cellphone and playing with your hair and driving on the same road as I am? This has to stop. You’re endangering my life. I don’t give a rats ass about your kids, your friends, your dates, your grocery lists or whatever is on your mind. FUCK YOU. Drive!
And if you’re texting or eating soup and driving with your knees or putting on mascara and running your spare hand over your bald spot or your rat tail, I’m calling in a goddamned moving crane and I’m having one of them drive right up to you, lift your car the fuck up while you are moving and throw you off the road! DO YOU GET THAT!?
Good. Because I’m serious.
Now. This is important: I want you to get out of the passing lane if you’re going slower than the car to your right or even if you’re going at the same speed or if I come up behind you and flash you to wake you the fuck UP! If you’re driving at a slow speed, get over to the right and drive in the correct lane. The passing lane is my lane. If you slow it down with your arrogant indifference to others (and especially to me), I will call in The Crane. I’m not fooling with you people anymore.
This shit has got to stop!
OTHERWISE THIS WILL BE YOU!
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Alysa Salzberg
keri h
roberto luigi
Andrea Wainer
daisyjane
Just An0ther 2 Cents
Salon.com
Comments
(I'm not playin')
R
Mustard: I'm watching you!
to me, I don't get why the troopers aren't ticketing. that would stop this instantaneously. but they don't ticket anymore (unless you're role playing mario andretti on speed).
unless you go rogue repub! then check your rear view mirror for an angry old lady in a red subaru!
But the driving seemed to be particularly bad, so that's all we talked about the entire trip, both ways. we kept pointing out this guy and this woman and who was texting or drfting while talking on cellphones, or road hogging and in one case, a woman who wouldn't LET me pass her. she drove slow in the passing lane, wouldn't move out of the passing lane and then raced me when I tried to pass by moving to the middle lane.
For some people, driving is a game. I'm telling you, THE CRANE is the solution!
another peeve on the merge thing? the guy who's going 25 at the beginning of the ramp who *speeds* up to 45 by the end and thinks he has two minutes *after* he's in the right lane of the freeway to crank his ass up to the speed limit (which is 65 here but no one drives under 75). you can see how this just might present the tiniest f**king HAZard to the poor folks behind this asshole on the ramp, I presume?
sorry for the rant. love the piece. especially the crane.
Julie: close enought...it was connecticut and new york. but I suspect it's all the same everywhere.
femme: yes, the crane is genius. I could get a million hits on youtube for that one.
agreed on the rampass stupidity. there are many different types but like Father Merin said in The Exorcist: "there is only one (and they're all assholes)". we'll need special cranes positioned on entry and exit ramps just for these relentless remorseless morons!!