Aside from the normal useless American economic garbage we're all going through, to be honest, it's been kind of over the top here, at least for me.
Nothing dramatic. Post traumatic stress I guess. THAT makes me want to laugh. With what's going on in the world, I'm bummed over broken trees and displaced squirrels. Oh and the giant predatory birds that have taken up residence in the trees...waiting for the homeless squirrels I guess. Good grief, it's a grisley world, isn't it.
I know we're lucky. I keep telling myself We Are So Lucky. I can think of a million places we could be this minute, living in awful, other side of the moon mind boggling poverty, horrendous worlds some people see as their lot every single day. I know we have it good. I know it right to the nut of my brain.
But I can't shake something sad and dazzlingly brilliantly grey.
I feel as if I want to go home. But I am. Home. I look around and the slate has been wiped clean and it's as if it's all gone away and I am in a wild place where beneath the calm is danger. And death. So I guess that's the deal - that it's always there waiting. Waiting even for the tallest trees and the little squirrels and me.
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chicken, it's never all over. it's just that sometimes it's so clearly not over, that you can't ignore it. so I'm in an astute phase where I can see all too clearly it's a tough struggle to stay alive and pliant and keep your roots in the ground. but you do. and I do. I can't promise you I'll cheer up, but I can at least get up and get the hell out of here and spend money and keep the economy chugging along. ;)
I understand at least some of this feeling.
Please know that here you are loved and cared about.
Writing this post is a good start.
write more.
tomorrow
and remember we do care. I certainly do and there are many others honey.
I used to believe in change now I pray for it.
rated with love
Hmlfjalfkfjlafj-fgarble%farch!
Bennie does not know. But he'll be fine. Probably.
RATED.
i honestly hadn't really put it together with the cam thing, and the husband/job thing and the storms, TWO storms actually, but one that exquisitely and so incredibly deftly snapped and sniped at our ordinary beauty.
I think waking every day and hearing the sounds chainsaws was more than I could stand. since the day of the storm, everyone, us included have been cutting down trees, left and right. I know some of them, many should have been cut down or at least trimmed back years ago, but no. this is a lazy quasi libertarian/liberal/yankee make do spend nothing place where you don't answer to anyone and you don't even answer your door. you just close it behind you and shutter the blinds and go below for the winter and drink yourself blind and stupid.
for two months it's been whole hog lets kill some trees and the sounds of chain saws and chippers, endlessly, morning noon and night.
we lost very little, really. chimney is a little lopsided. some pieces here and there on the house. its survivable and we're okay.
but our trees...our beautiful trees. dear heaven we have cut down trees. my beautiful japanese maple is now too tall and too thinned and may not live. it split into three parts. we killed the great oak on the lawn. we couldn't even take it down. it doesn't live on our property. so we had professionals lop away at it and it will die in two or three years. a tree older than all of us.
this is small fry weakass shit. the world is coming to an end for so many people. they are losing homes, jobs, children are hungry and living in trucks and cars and I have lost a couple of trees and I suppose I'm losing my mind. how privileged is that? how fucking privileged?