How to Read a Book¹

First of all, you have to have a book to read. 

I suggest that you try visiting a bookstore. 

There you will see piles of books that have pretty pictures on them.  Don't buy these.  They are full of words and usually don't have any pretty pictures in them.  

Try sitting in the coffee house in the bookstore. 

 This is a wonderful experience.  You will have to stand in line behind people who are holding books and newspapers and babies and ordering coffee as though they were ordering medications in the Emergency room.  But you will miss "stat" because it will take a long time.  Then you can order a Pepsi and a muffin.  The Pepsi will cost $2.75.   The muffin will cost more than the pretty books in the front of the store.

Sit at a little table.   Look around.  Most of the people are typing on their laptops.  Click, click, click.  They came here to drink coffeee and type.  You might have to move a couple of times to find a pretty girl or good-looking guy with a book.  Stare at the book. 

 If they look at you, "Say, I always wanted to read that book."  

If they give you a funny look, it means that it is a NEW book.  This is much more likely if it is a large book with a paper cover.  But it might be a pretty book from the front of the store, so it could be old.

If it is a paperback book, you might get a nod from them.

  Wipe the muffin crumbs off your sweater.   Get up.

 Now you have a book to find. 

If someone good-looking was reading the book, it must be a good book. 

This is how professional book critics decide which books are good.

You should start in one corner of the bookstore and work your way around the walls.  You will have to look from the top of the bookshelf all the way to the floor.  You might even find some spare change on the floor if you are lucky.

When you have found the book that the good-looking girl or guy was reading, you have to buy it.  It helps if you have found the book before the bookstore turns off its lights and closes.  

If you have found the book and the store is still open, go stand in the longest line in the store.  This line is even longer than the coffee house line. 

It is ok because you can buy the reading glasses that you want to wear while you are reading and buy the chocolate that you will eat while you are reading. 

Do not eat the chocolate on your way home!  This is bookstore chocolate and you must read a book in order to eat it.

When you are finally face to face with the cashier, ask them if they have any other books like this book.  If they ask you if you want another book by this author or on this subject, say, "No."  Insist that you want a book like this book, but give them no further information.  Then ask them if they give out free bags.

←An example of a fine free bag.

If they ask for any personal information, refuse to give it out.  If they offer you a discount membership, say, "I have lost money on those before.  I'm no fool."  Pay with any expired credit card you have in your wallet.  You might get lucky.  Once you have paid for the book and gotten your free bag (!) you can leave the store.

Now you have to bring home the reading glasses, the book, the bag, and the chocolate.  It is important that you do not wear the reading glasses on the way home.  Do not open the bag.  Do not open the chocolate.  Do not read the book in the car while you drive.

Books are important. 

You must get home, pull down all the shades, close the curtains, and lock the doors.  Then you can open the chocolate.  You can even take a shower.  Don't bother to put your clothes back on. 

It is better to eat chocolate naked.  Especially bookstore chocolate.

Find a comfortable chair.  This might mean putting your clothes back on and going out to a chair store.  Some people even try to bring home the chairs from the bookstores, but this only works if the store is closed and you have short-circuited the alarm system.  

If you have a comfortable chair in your house, put a lamp next to it.  Not in front of it, but behind it.  Be careful not to knock it over.  You do need to plug in the lamp and turn it on.  This is called a "reading lamp."  It goes with your "reading chair" and "reading glasses."   The chocolate is not "reading chocolate" but "bookstore chocolate." 

 You do still have some "bookstore chocolate," don't you? 

You didn't eat it all?   You saved a couple of pieces for eating while you read the book, didn't you?   

Now you can open the book.  Just your luck:   Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.

Next week:  How to Drink Beer

1. This is my personal celebration of Read Across America 2010