the rare sexy ghost: from The Ghost and Mrs. Muir
It is not strictly necessary to be dead . . .
in order to haunt. You can be alive, but you must be dedicated. Jobs and school and family keep most of us from our first love of terrifying others, but there are always those who succeed in making someplace hell on earth. Persevere. Remember, you will be able to use these distracting and depressing skills even after your demise. If you become truly irritating and select the proper associates, you might even speed up the process by being murdered. Shiver!!
Picking a Spot:
Picking a spot is a critical step in haunting: don’t fall for the first Bed and Breakfast you run across .. .
A house is ideal, but sometimes you can find a library, a hotel, or an abandoned asylum to infest. There are haunted offices, but unless you are willing to take the required civil service examinations and then let your brain go dead, you might want to stick with less challenging locations.
Houses are the most frequently haunted places. This is due to the magnetic resonance of house construction. Namely, you are magnetized by the loose change that has been lost in furniture over the years. Others have been enslaved by cats. There are very few haunted houses because after all, one must have some standards as far as decorating.
Just dreamy, isn't it?
If you will haunt a house, please choose isolated locations, solid Victorian construction, and plenty of staircases and dim web-filled basements. Haunting a double-wide is just . . . unspeakable.
A hotel room is ideal. Most of these are in fact haunted by the truly disembodied because hotel managers prefer to be paid by anyone who can actually dirty the sheets. It has been noted that hotel ghosts like to have long noisy conversations in closets during the night, unlike living guests who like to have long noisy conversations by the elevators and ice machines. Either way, restful sleep is rendered impossible.
Most people are a little shy in a strange room for a night or two. Don’t limit yourself to a few odd knocks or whispers. Manifest enough energy to move furniture, shove a wallet under the bed, or vaporize ties or business presentations. It’s SO thrilling.
Your victims who are not quite sure that they are haunted are the most rewarding as they mutter to themselves, “It must be here somewhere!” and curse. Remember to return the items to them on the last day of the trip, so that they cannot complain to management. You don’t want to put the place out of business—only enhance its reputation among a new “appreciative” clientele. If you pick a bed-and-breakfast, you will end up being featured on their web-page, which is a major disadvantage in cities like New Orleans.
Only the most intrepid spirits will haunt prisons. Currently occupied prisons are usually relatively cheerful and well-lit constructions, so you may wish to inhabit one of the many abandoned or derelict prisons located on the East Coast. Alcatraz is, unfortunately, fully occupied and the current occupants have become impossibly Divas ever since the film crews began to arrive.
[While there are a few ghosts who have called at Winchester House, complaints about getting lost or falling out of windows have resulted in the House being removed from the acceptable category for haunting. Tant pis. It was such a lovely place when the lady was alive: so welcoming, so rewarding, so strange. She could hardly do enough for the spirits.
California is very controversial among the formerly living. There are those who believe that the market will come back and those who believe that it deserves to fall back into the ocean. “Remember Atlantis” is their motto.]
Once you have found a prison that pleases you, you will have to get past the membership committee. Chances are, you won’t be the only one wishing to make your stay in the community. We suggest confessing to a few unsolved murders or a career as a bank robber in order to increase your chances. Do not put your Sierra Club or Humane Society membership down on the application, whatever you do.
The membership committees tend to be rock rib conservatives, however many bombs they threw during life. One of the benefits of entering a prison while you are disembodied—you can drop the soap all you like. Ha! Ha! Prison ghost humor.
Cemeteries are the most common open air choice of ghosts around the world. They are usually quiet and you are forewarned by the gravediggers of any crowds that will assemble. Night is when you’ll want to be out and about with your fellow fresh air fiends. While it is tempting to terrify the teenagers . . . you should allow some of them to complete the sexual act before rustling in the branches. Where will your new victims come from if you don’t let them be conceived?
Posing for photos is one of the temptations that those released from life should deny themselves. After all, you’ll only end up being pestered by the education deprived paranormal investigators and impoverished documentary makers. There is no up-side to being photographed after death. Years ago, before the internet, one could have a quick appearance in the National Enquirer and rest on one’s laurels, but in today’s You-tube society, you can end up being forced to hide for years after one indiscretion. It’s far more damaging to your career than say, committing adultery while serving in the Senate.
Many ghosts are leading the way for a new generation by haunting insane asylums. Thanks to the catch-release policy of mental health treatment that has been practiced there are many people who have no idea why they are not in a booby hatch. For the under-medicated, visits to abandoned asylums promises a rush of endorphins as they pound down a staircase in the dark, hoping to find an open door somewhere on the first floor!
You can find insane asylums in nearly any state. They were just the thing until the 1960s and often were established in proximity to natural beauty and unspoiled rural communities. When tuberculosis was cured, many TB health resorts became the spots where the loony aunts and besotted grandpas could be safely stowed.
Asylums, like prisons, offer long shadowy corridors with multiple openings, stairwells, basements, awesome abandoned morgues and medical equipment, steam tunnels, and barred windows overlooking the local vistas. Just bring a few pieces of music to hum or chant, a couple of boots to drop, or a deep chill breath and you are set to haunt for a year or more.
Don’t worry that you won’t have visitors. What with ghost hunting growing in popularity and the depressed economy, you’ll have plenty of idjits with cameras and tape recorders dropping in. Admittedly the Satanists tend to try to redecorate the occasional reception room or basement kitchen, but you can usually turn them out at any time with a few well-placed bites or kicks. Don’t be so naïve as to expect them to thank you.
For those who find the local school house tempting, just don’t. There is enough misery in there without you. And how are you going to compete with today’s youth for terrifying the elders?
Libraries are good places to haunt, but many spirits find that those relentlessly cheerful librarians and volunteers are remarkably hardy. If you do not reek of homelessness and despair, you tend to find them at your elbow asking if you need help searching the catalog or if you are aware of their free job search workshops. In such a case, just drift down to the technical services area and chill the catalogers. They will truly appreciate your anti-social ether.
No excuses now. Go shriek your hearts out.