As all true daughters of the south know (when they are reminded by their mothers) that on October 18, 1767, the Mason-Dixon Line was aligned — separating the damn Yankees from the good old good olds. And in 1925, the marvelous Grand Ole Opry radio show first hit the airwaves in Nashville, Tennessee. Both on the same day. Now if that ain't a double-dinger worth a soirre, I don't know what is.
So today, I'm fixing to party like it's 1859. And I'd like everybody on OS to join me in a virtual fandango across America.
First, we should all form our pickups and tractors in a circle around the Trailer Park. If you are so underprivileged to have neither a pickup nor to live in a trailer park, just do the best you can. The rest of us will understand.
Next, dig out that big jug from under the sink, the light brown ceramic one with no label. Crank up Gretchen Wilson on your iPods. Put on your boot scootin boogie duds. And tune up your rebel yells.
There's a lot to do to get this hoedown right, so I'm going to read you from the book, starting with your decor.
Put up the Texamerica flag that I designed featuring Dick Armeydillo. If you ain't got yourself an official Noni Texamerica flag, then a Texas Lonestar flag, or the Rebel Battle flag will do. But you should show your country colors just like you would if we was all teabagging. Indiana flags don't count.
Appetizers for the boys should include Slim Jims and pork rinds. For dessert, fried Twinkies. If you're feeling adventuresome, ask Aunt Cousin Jody Lee to make her famous Jell-o Surprize Mold. Main courses should be anything you can cook on a barbeque that don't clash with potato salad.
Sing-along tunes should be like Kenny Chesney's "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy," or Alan Jackson's "It's Alright To Be A Redneck". I identify with Gretchen's "Redneck Woman". Joe Diffie's "John Deere Green" make me want to cry. Garth's classic "I've Got Friends In Low Places" is probably the best sing-along. In Texas, we don't listen to the Dixie Chicks no more, but if you must, you can play "Goodbye Earl". If you want a crossover dude, I like Kid Rock singing Sweet Home Alabama "All Summer Long".
If you feel you need some western to balance all the country, how about Willie and Toby wailing "Whiskey For My Men, Beer For My Horses!" For your mandatory wet t-shirt pole dance contest I'm partial to "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" which Miley Cyrus likes, too, and I borrowed some sweet moves from her.
Male attire for this fandango might be like DeKalb Seedcorn ballcaps, Marlboros rolled up in the sleeve of your green "Runs Like A Deer" t-shirt, clean pressed jeans, and steel toed engineers boots just in case somebody needs a right good stompin'. Mullet cuts are no longer cool. I mean you, Trig! And don't forget to carry your second amendment statement everwheres you go.
The female dress code might include a cowboy hat like mine, short-short cutoffs, tight t-shirt or K-Mart blouse rolled up to show off those situps, with either red cowboy boots or rhinestone-covered fckme pumps. Accessorize with bling bought in Vegas or a National Park. If you want to go nuevo-upscale, just wear whatever Brittany Spears or Lindsay Lohan do in their latest stupid escapade in the Star, which is where I get my best fashion ideas.
Our beer de jour depends on what part of the country your party is a happening. Of course, a premier Trailer Park in the deep south is best. But not everybody can be so lucky. I'm partial to Shiner beer. But Jax or Dixie will do the job. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a also a pretty good Bubba Beer. Well hell, get whatever beer is cheapest at the Connie's Superette where your Mom worked when she let you rob it as a 14th birthday present.
If you're the kind that goes for real drinks, there's straight shots of Rebel Yell for the boys. Alabama Slammers are always nice for the little ladies. And Strip And Go Nakeds for everybody for when Cousin Heather gets a mite rowdy and takes off her top to relive how she danced on the bar at her wedding reception.
You should have some contests after when everybody finds their "Hell, Yeah!" spirit. These contest might involve spittin, pissin, and two-step dancin'. Maybe a tattoo contest that ain't about how good the tat is, but best story that goes with it. I ain't telling mine again, cause everybody just snickers.
If you want to get really rowdy, and your cousins are understanding badge-totters, you might consider Party Favors (created in a basement laboratory by the neighborhood biker gang) that have a name like Iron Mike's Crystal Zoom. But I don't really recommend going thataway unless you need to be just a mite crazer to get your SSI disability.
I strongly recommend a row of portapoddies or Uncle Buford (or your family equivalent) might probably embarrass you again this year.
And finally, remember not to sleep with cousins or closer, and keep your uncles away from the sheep.
I really mean it.
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Comments
that civil war, then u woulda been a separate
country and we northerners (i am a CT resident
currently residing in Xanadu) woulda not
hadda put up with all you slow, slowtalkin,
honey drippin, sexy, wholesome, good ol
boys and gals, then we coulda got on
with our project of takin over
the world wit h our puritan
capitalist machinery
and then we woulda
been good little
robots in the
cyberspace
continuum
while all yuo guys woulda been devolving to monkeys
bonobos maybe..we are the chimps, the aggressive ones..
and then well i dunno
we woulda had an
ambassador..
hillary..?to
yr country
and bill
woulda
been yr
prea
and then he coulda ruled like he wanted to
and we woulda had who? um, john kerry as our prez and
then another war maybe..ya but you guys got all them mexicans
comin in, we wouldnta had no hispanics & of course
no blacks..wold you stillhave slavery?
wow what a scenario
I intern at Guy Comedy Network in NYC where I am like a slave, only I don't have to sleep outback of the office.
i am calln the cops onhim sayinhe is a
suicidal guntotin nutball
they will get himthe help he needs i hope
hope there aint gunfire
cd be the armadillo,,,?
do you know of anywhere i can get some good
slaves real cheap?
my slaves would be given mansions and
big tvs and computers and ipods and
be told: you are now the slaves
of Imagination: you are to seek through the world
for interesting and enlightening stuff
to tell me, and i will take it allin,
and i will make sense of it all..
meanwhile, slaves, have fun
but some damn good ol boy answred
and i said, gimee a damn northerer
and he said nope cant do.
this m-fer knew nate of course,
buddy boys they are,
they go to the damn shootin range together
and soot armadillos
cousin. sorry. he is usually not
allowed near the computer.
Never mind Greg Noni, he's just a little constipated in the head:)
Having said that, sometimes the truth hurts. Y'all.
now i am glad we yankees won the war
whipped yr asses (!) good and
kept you around in our good
ol USA,,,
jim
Party on Noni. Any chance of you hookin me up wit Aunt Cousin Jody Lee? I like the way her famous Jell-o Surprize Mold jiggles.
My only weapon is swingin, but I take it whereva I goes.
Sometimes it seems so useless to remain
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.
Well, you don't have to call me Waylon Jennings
And you don't have to call me Charley Pride.
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard, anymore.
Even though your on my fightin' side.
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.
Well, I've heard my name a few times in your phone book
And I've seen it on signs where I've played But the only time I know I'll hear David Allan Coe
Is when Jesus has his final judgement day.
So I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me by my name.
Well, I was drunk the day my Mom got outta prison.
And I went to pick her up in the rain.
But, before I could get to the station in my pickup truck
She got runned over by a damned old train.
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me
And I never minded standin' in the rain. No,
You don't have to call me darlin'...darlin'
You never even call me
Well, I wonder why you don't call me
Why don't you ever call me by my name?
Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Take a medium sized gar, scale it and gut it, being sure to leave the head on. Score the flesh lightly then apply a mixtutre of melted butter, garlic, and lemon. Bake in oven for 50 minutes, remove and let cool. Take pan with gar to the back yard and whip it as far into the neighbor's yard as possible.
I'll fix you up as soon as her parole goes thru.
Write her at Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women in Virgina. I'm not sure what last name she was convicted under, but a letter to Aunt Cousin Jody Lee should work since we're kinda related to most of the women there.
rated.
Gottago so I can git to rightin.
My dad used to get that beer. I think it was Generic, but Generic must have gone out of business or else been bought by Miller or InBev
Well Drew, my car is available.
:-(
I'll lend you a handgun, so you feel like one of the regular folks. I always keep an extra holdout in my boot. But you gotta tell me where I can order chainsaw-dancing shoes and if they come in red?
Q: How many crackers can an Apache attack helicopter kill in a day?
A: As many as are retarded enough to come out of the woods.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XePepJvvcjY
OK THAT is an impressive reference! I can still remember seeing him do that live.
Wow. I really envy you that one. I've only heard it on jukes. Sorry about the Bears.
Rated anyway.
Mason Dixon Line has always confused me. My wife grew up in South New Jersey, and claims their farm was actually several hundred yards SOUTH of the line. Is that possible? Accordingly, she thinks she's a Southern Belle (Quaker style), just her hard luck she lives in Canada now.
And from that perspective, the American Civil War was very useful, cause the North is a good buffer zone between us and the South. I mean, some of it's nice to visit, in winter....