It's Bela Lugosi's birthday. So tonight, I'm going to a party — a "You Vant To Suck My What?" party.
It's in Alphabet City where the goths and wannavees mix with the real deal. And this hot vampire guy wants to bite me.
If it's like last year, the party should be sweet and everybody will be all gothed up and speak in Transylvanian accents like Bela did, and say things like "Look deep into my thighs." The nerdiest nerds will come as Igors and make hump jokes until I want to scream.
Last year I wore a Count Chockula t-shirt and red boots, which isn't appropriate for an important occasion like being bitten. This year I've got this really sexy costume that's like a Bela Lugosi tuxedo but with just a cape and an antique shirtfront piece that just covers the front of me, and you're supposed to wear a coat with it to cover the rest, but I'm not. And my neck will be all naked and tasty.
This vamp guy, he's really cute like a Jonas Brother on blood. I've met him at the clubs and parties and blood drives, and I think I'm going to let him bite me, but I'm not sure, because a vampire is forever even more than diamonds.
My big problem is that after I'm all vamped up, who do I want to bite? I mean, do your bite someone you hate? Or do you bite someone you like? And do I just bite guys? Or should I change my luck and become a lespire?
I've done a lot of research reading Laurell Kaye Hamilton's books. Her vampires are the most real — even if they are from the midwest, which isn't.
Anita Blake is like a vampire hunter, but also witch vampire lychanthrope weregerbil sex machine who sleeps with everyone and everything with hair, but I'm not sure I'll get the ardeur or not. I mean, I might not be able to help myself.
I keep wondering who Ann Coulter has bitten. I think she bit that Shep guy on FoxNews or else he's got like a picture of Dorian Gray in his closet. He can't be a real human person. And if you oldies but goodies don't think this is possible, I have just one word for you — "Dick Clark."
Ann's probably already bitten all the good Republicans like Rush Limbaugh who is getting younger, in case you haven't noticed. And he calls himself the man in black, sometimes. So I'm pretty sure he's already in Ann's vamp pac, or whatever they call it.
I think I've decided who to bite. Rachel Maddow, unless she's a vampire already. I will, even it makes me a lespire.
I really mean it.
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Funny piece, but I kind of miss the bikini. R
You have bigger balls than I do (didn't mean to tip people off) if you take on Rachel Madcow...and how about her sister separated at birth, (chews cud) Anita Dunn.
Funny thing you mentioned Shepard Smith on FOX, now that guy scares me and to think he was born in 1964...he went for the tattooed eye and lip liner thing it looks like...can you imagine him without makeup....can you say Latoya Jackson?
Well Noni, good to see by the way, did you try your skits on the Daily Kos...I would but I've already been banned for life...now if I was a Vampire I could outlive the ban...
Daily Kos...talk about bloodsuckers.