I just dumped my latest soulmate. As ya'll know, a lady doesn't dump a gentleman she's invested training time into for only one reason, unless that reason is like he's fixin' to become a transsexual, a priest or a Democrat. Or secretly, he is already is one.

My research into dumpology has shown it is usually for a lot of little reasons that add up synergistically. (Ain't that a pisser of a word?) Most of the reasons involve why he is such a clueless, selfish bonehead that you can’t understand what you saw in him in the first place, when your girlfriends told you he was a loser and a Jets fan.

But the main reason I’m erasing JoeBob permanently from dance card, is that even though he’s from Austin and can throw a mean two-step, and we mostly like the same things, he thinks it is great foreplay to serenade me with the words to that old Sir Mix-A-Lot rap “I Like Big Butts.”  This makes me think that in spite of my early evaluation that he is dumber than an A&M MBA.

I hate the part where he looks that big dumb white-boy-shit-kicker look at me and says “I like big butts and I can not lie.” It gets worse when he does “Shake it! Shake it! Shake that healthy butt!”  When he segues into “'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong. And I'm down to get the friction on,” I have to try hard not to giggle, because he isn’t really either. I mean if Mix-A-Lot has an anaconda, JoeBob has more of a garter snake or maybe a caterpillar. Not that size matter. Not that much, anyway.

Another reason I performed dumpalingus on old JoeBob is that he thinks, because of the same dumb song, that I don’t eat enough rice and beans.

Now that the old boy is gone, I absolutely positively do not want another ass-man. So I’m fixing to go on a diet. 

I’ve tried everybody else’s damn diet and they don’t work for me, so I invented the Noni Half Ass Diet, which probably won’t cut my ass in half, but I like the sound of it, so in case it works, I can write a best selling book about it. And I have plenty of good before pictures.

The main idea of the Half Ass Diet is that I’m going eat and drink half as much as I did before. Same meals. Same times. Same number of nights out. No worrying about carbs or calories. I’m just going to eat and drink half as much.

But all by itsownself, that’s a half-ass idea that is too simple to write a book about, even if you get Sarah Palin’s ghost-writer to fill it out. So I’m going to do twice the exercise, including horizontal exercises. And my next guy better be able to last twice as long as Sir JoeBob Likes-Ass-A-Lot, and not only so I can burn twice the calories.

I really mean it.

BTW: this is what it says on the back of my Intern Rights t-shirt.
"pay me spit, treat me like dirt, tell me what you want in your coffee,
but quit staring at my ass" (BBTW: I wrote that myownself.)